Reflections of Love

I remember very vividly the day that I went to see 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'!  It was a sunny and warm day in the city of Louvain and I was in my first year at the university.  That day I met up with Hugh Grant and Kirstin Scot Thompson and did the music of my Barry White and the poems of W.H. Auden got a deeper dimension.  The movie is now considered a classic by many and the soundtrack I did play over and over again at the time.   Why did become such a success? Well, that is perhaps due to the fact that we all attend once in a while a wedding or a funeral.

Weddings are surely more fun than a funeral.  But both they have something in common: they bring people together.  The last few years I ended up at very intense weddings and funerals.  People that I carry close to my heart have tied the knot or I had to say goodbye to some individuals that surely have made a big impact on my life.

The thing with weddings and funeral is also that there is always some drama or there is this moment that you do wonder if you did come up with the right words to say.   There are so many times that you assume that your natural flair will be enough to get through a wedding and funeral services but believe me I myself have screwed up a numerous times.  I have been head banging in rest rooms at wedding receptions because I mixed up names of the parents of the happy couple.  Or I did dare to mention a former boyfriend in the presence of the groom.  So not done but it did happen. And more than just once.

And because I end up going to receptions on my own I do end up sometimes standing all by myself in the corner of venues wonderin observing many people and wonder what connects me with them.   At a funeral there is then always that moment that I just get caught up by the grief of others and end up crying in the car while I am playing the music by Craig Armstrong.  It is so me and I do wonder why I never stick to the straight forward rules that my mother taught me about weddings and funerals. But then I can assure you that I am 100% myself at these moments!

The thing is that I also found out that weddings and funerals can be the moments that you do find out who you exactly are. It is at those occassions that you run into life and what matters most.  That those are the events when life passes by and you become very aware of how fragile and precious everything is.  The pictures taken at weddings are sometimes hilarious because to be honest a professional wedding photographer has got the talent to sneak up on you and suddenly there is this flash.  It is then you freeze in the middle of a very private conversation.  Hilarious at times but also very confrontating. Looking at them shows you more then just a snapshot.

 My family is the perfect example of human beings who are very good a celebrating life.  Oh yes, there are already a few people missing but there are also many new faces popping up.   Yesterday seeing one of my second cousins dancing with her boyfriend made me smile.  He guided her very gentle over the dance floor while her cheeks turned very red.  She surely enjoyed the attention she was getting.   He not for one second took his eyes of her.  That she was having troubles following in his footsteps was rather cute.

'He is doing a good job.', a voice suddenly told me.  'Oh yes, he is.', I said and I then became aware that the person who was sitting next to me had been witnessing the same scene as me.  I even envied that young couple because they still had their whole life ahead of them.   Now a few minutes before this scene I had seen my mother out there on that same dancefloor. My mother who the last 15 years her life surely was not that easy.   That moment that one of my cousins grabbed her and made her move over the dance floors made me even LOL.  And then there was an other cousin whispering into my ears:'Look at your mother. What a woman!'  My mother still loves dancing at weddings and she will be dancing along with young&old.  She even beat us to it last night.  The only excuse I had to bring in is that the Friday rush, traffic and thunderstorms had made me end up being rather tired.  But what was I enjoying that view! 

Yeah, I guess that at weddings she will miss my dad.  There were so many people that were missed last night.  My family does not sugar coat things.  Even not at weddings.  I do have even serious chats at such family affairs.   That I the last 24h have been able to catch up was so nice and I also understand myself better and better.   Eating a piece of wedding cake was even sweeter while listening to some of the stories my aunts had to tell and I shared many stories with them and showed pics of A.

My family demonstrate a very deep understanding of what life is about and they will never give up and this against all odds.  They don't come up with excuses and they can suddenly burst out in singing and dancing.   They demonstrate living intensely but there this first layer of varnish you have to scratch of us before we open up.  Well, at weddings we shake of that layer and it is there you get the opportunity when someone asks you sincerly:'So C how are you doing?', you are not expected to just say:'I am fine, just fine... It is then that someone, whose genetic content you for 50% share with, will stare you into your face and you just know... It is like coming home. 

Then this afternoon ended up at an other wedding reception.  This happy couple had tied the knot last summer in the home town of the bride.  They did share some pics on Facebook with the world and I can tell you that there was one picture that I just knew that she is very happy in the state she is now.  The way she was looking over a field while holding on to one of her children even send  me shivers down my spine.  I envied her at that moment because I still long for that one moment that I can say outloud that one word that I want to say loud and clear in the presence of the people I love and who care about.

In case you wondering about me and a personal wedding experience. It still has not happened. I hardly talk about it anymore.  Oh yes, I have somewhere in my picture library on my phone an image of a wedding dress that I once walked by and just fall in love with.  It is a dress that has not left my mind yet. I still picture myself in that dress and dancing with P while I am wearing a wedding band around my finger.   Oh yes, people have already told me that I just should give up that this is just in vain.  Well, no I don't... never ever... Why?  Because the people I love I always give the benefit of the doubt.  

So this weekend I said 'cheers' numerous times to the power of love and that wedding vows bring families&friends closer.  Once more that life is about keeping close what you love and wish to protect it, cherish it and take good care of it.    I have seen the power at work and ladies and gentlemen I can only state that it is a lovely view.   It lifts us up...and at the same time it reminds us how fragile everthing is.   Because one day you walk into a room where you then have to say goodbye to those loved ones and you then feel like you have missed out a few chances to say how much you did care about them.   Weddings and funerals they are part of life... they are reflections of how much we love and care! 

P.S.: Oh yes, I picked two very cheesy ones to go along with this one.  The fact is that those two where played at the family wedding.  And one was even the opening dance of the happy bride and groom. :-) 

Copy&Paste

 

September... I hate September... Do not get me wrong I love the job that is very much interlinked with that month but still I hate September.  So now that we have got that out in the open I can just state that my first week back at the educational hotspot was as expected 'chaotic'.  Nothing new. I even consider it part of the job description. Believe me, I had been planning ahead and I even had tried to stay ahead of some red tape.  Well, like every year over and over again September won from August. The chaos I did try to stay out of so desperatedly found a way back in.


It is all around to be spotted and to experience:traffic jams, longer waiting times at cash tills, messy&busy supermarkets, hairdressers invaded by under the age of 18, busy tones when you call a dentist, sold out trainers,  over 30 different versions of a time table (I am afraid that when I state that the version that I have now in my folder is the final one I will be doomed for sure), not being able to locate your smart phone and car keys when you want to beat the morning traffic, a photocopy machine that over the summer seems to have forgotten how to spit out the correct copies of your worksheets, lost textbooks, lunch money, sold out bakeries when you only arrive 5 minutes before closing time,  passwords that can't be retrieved or you seem to have forgotten while hanging out at the beach, pushing the wrong button on the coffee machine at work, parking lots that are so full that you would rather go home without groceries then having to face the crowd, forgetting to put the trainers in your son his gym bag, preparing lunch bags and making sure that everyone gets out of the house in time, the alarm that goes of in the morning at an hour that you do consider insane and now and then you then ran into even more annoyed people who seem to have forgotten that we all face September once a year... No, I am not a happy teacher when dealing with those aspects when the S*** (pardon my French here)-month pops up on my desk calendar.

Now, I have been told that one tactic in order to survive September is that you have to embrace all of the above.  Still if I could I would now push the fast forward button and go straight to Oktober. My mind is bursting and I every year again wonder how I ever in the world have managed to get through that month before.  I don't get it or yes I do... Every year a certain collision takes place in my mind and it feels a bit like the icebucket challenge.  Brainfreeze and headbanging are daily activities.  Ones that I don't like to face but seem to be the only way to survive this month.

I also face that one thing that so many teacher face at this time of the year and that are new teaching sets. Surely it is not a good idea to assume that every academic year involves just copy and paste actions.   Every single student under my wings is an individual with their own talents and personal traits.  Every single class room is a different story and in September I get to face a blank canvas and I do then always keep my fingers crossed when walking into my 'fresh' classes that our first encounters or reunions are positives ones.  That our kick off of the school year sets a positive tone for the weeks and moths ahead.

So this month is also coming to terms what involves teaching. Not that only nice elements but also the ones that make you wonder why I went into to teaching in the first place.  Like yesterday, yesterday I faced that one moment that makes me feel so helpless that I wonder what I have done wrong or could have done differently.   I had ran out of breath and that after only lesson.  I left empty the classroom and was not satisfied.   The best comparison I can come up with is that I felt like a surgeon who walks into a fully equiped OT and considers him/her experienced enough to face this complicated procedure with confidence (hey, you have experience under your belt...so what can go possibly go wrong on your watch) but THEN  having to face half way through the operation a cardiac arrest.   One that even ends in a flat line.  The patient is declared dead.    And you walk out of there with bloody scrubs and sweat on your forehead and wonder how in the world you will be able to face yourself in the morning.  Yeah, that is what Stallie then faces. 

That I here now admit that I after 17 years of teaching still have not found the secret of class management 'in all weather conditions' some of you might consider a weakness.  Well, fair enough... it then means that you have your own bag of tricks that seem to work for your teaching sets and that you have the magic touch that some us envy you for.   Good for you!  But it does not make my life any eassier.  Not in the coming hours or days.  That I yesterday went from teaching on cloud #9 one moment (ace poetry lesson with my IB students who after the Summer have become more mature and can make me smile and LOL) to the what I can only describe that one spot you as a teacher hate to hang out at is not easy.  It even hurts and fills me up with a sensation that goes so deep.   Very deep!

I have been there before and yes believe me, it has caused me sleepless nights.  I do meet up with myself in a classroom in such situations because I then suddenly become so much aware that I need to face the fact that my lessonplan has not covered every angle.    And believe me, I have not just spend a quick five minutes on such lesson plans.  It also does not help that I then have coworkers that are expressing that they are rather happy that they are not teaching certain challenging sets. NOPE!!!  In all honesty, it only makes it worse and does not sugar coat things.   Because you know what? I do feel then like a major FAIL!!! 

Oh yes, I am fully aware that expressing my failure out here makes me vulnerable.  I bet that there are now teachers out there that will be having a ball. Well, you know what?  At this stage I do not even have to time to be upset with you.  It won't be helping me out and please do me one favor do not start sharing your teaching tactics and class management at this stage. Because you know what?  Chances are likely that in 99% of the cases they won't work for me or for the teaching sets I am working with this year.  Please don't advise me to start reading the newest insights about dealing with teenagers in the classroom and don't start me on new approaches.  Don't get me wrong.   It is not that I am not interested.   That it not the case.   I am because I do but not right now.   And sorry (don't take it personal, please don't), it does not help me out that you walk into my classroom shortly after such a lesson because I need more than just hearing 'So how did it go?'.   First of all what I need is a hug and a bar of chocolate because I am very sorry but in the teaching business you do sometimes feel lonely.  I am the one that will have to walk back into that classroom and face the 'enemy'. Not you who is so lucky not to be teaching that particular set of students. 

Why does the above not work for me?  Well, the year I started out as qualified teacher I have found out that 'copy&paste' when dealing with class management does fail.  For weeks I had been trying to be that one teacher that I looked up and who had been mentoring me.  She was ace with the students.  Her rules were straightforward and in her class there never ever did seem to be any disorder.   More than once I had told myself that I was going to be just like her.  Well, talking about rude awakenings that second  week of September surely qualified for such a thing!!! The September of my first teaching year I faced the fact that her teaching style was not mine.   But I did wonder why her tactics did not work when I was teaching that exact group of students.  I had observed her so many times and worked along her side and her classes were always spic and span.  WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I DOING WRONG?

Never I will forget that one day the school nurse found me in my classroom and I guess that my face must have told her that my day had not been such a big of a success.   No, she did not even ask me how things were going.  She did something that saved my day (I am even tempted to say that she saved my teachig existence at a certian level)  and that is telling me what she had seen me doing.  She just plainly told me the facts and she did express her feelings about that.   No, she did not sugar coated the situation and nope she did not give me any advice.  That day she did point out one that what I had been doing was 'copy and paste'.  She even knew who I was trying to 'copy&paste'.  What surprised me. 'You are an individual. You are not C! Students are aware of this. You need to be true to yourself.'  So I had to let go and find my own approach.  And yes, that did involve trial and error. Step by step I did discover that teaching is not set in stone.  But I am now very sure about one thing and that my students face is the genuine Mrs S. 

Well, let me just be even more honest with you all.  I don't have a teaching degree that qualifies me to teach at Hogwarts.  I don't have a bag filled up with trics that will make it work every single day of the academic year.  I don't have the ability to anticipate every single situation in my classroom.  After all, I am not a MI6 agent.  In the first place I am Stallie, the teacher who is not afraid to admit that (and this even after 17 years) I don't have got all the answers and that I have got flaws.  Not matter what I try to be an honest teacher who also has those days that are not that big of a success and wish I could do over.   So don't hold back when you find me in a classroom with no smile in sight and bring chocolate or Haribo candy along.   I need a hug nothing more and nothing less.

Now Stallie has not the intention to just give up. No, I am too commited to do so...and so the only promise I can keep at the beginning of an academic year is that I am planning to keep true to my teaching style and principles but this with an open mind and also have the intention to give everybody the benefit of the doubt.  I am the one and only Stallie and  I do hope that the original version will be strong and creative enough to survive the coming school year.   So welcome back!   And to all fellow teachers out there in the world I wish you as well a very smooth going September and a year ahead that mostly can be called fun.  Please try to be original and let the copy and paste-version at home.    

PS: The song that I picked out to go along is surely an oldie and will even make some of you LOL.  The thing is that while I was on my back to work after two months being nobody's teacher this was on the radio.  Yes, I did turn up to the volume and yes I believe that this song will get me through the year when things are a bit less sunny I did run out of energy and ideas.   Plus I have also met up with great cast of the awesome (and must see) movie 'Inside Out' in a Powerpoint presentation at work.  Next time I see a paper plane heading my way I will start LOL for sure. 

The Wicked Lady Chef

I have been busy this Summer... and in less than 1 day I will be officially back at work.  Oh yes, it were surely two months that flew by.  You know what they say about when you are having fun. Looking back at my break and having and scanning over the pics that I took with my iPhone I can only state that I had a lovely time not being anyone their teacher for a while.  Oh wait, that is not true..I ended up tutoring a Y12 student for her history retake.  Surely something that involved teaching methods and trying to keep a teenager focused for longer than a Youtube-clip.  That this student passed that exam surely was one of the many times that my break did feel extra special. 

Yes, I have not been sharing a lot out here and my previous blog post was mostly about my brain trying to find some peace and quiet.  My body tells me that I have not managed to do so but then I have been ignoring a few things that I am better at during the school year and I am working at it to get back on track.  It surely would help if those specialist who I need some help from in order to get back in shape would get back to me.  Answering machines are an useful invention but I seem to have the impresssion that they are sometimes used to ignore some people. They better get back to me asap after the weekend or they might end up with finding some less friendly messages on there.

Looking at my self in the mirror also tels me that I have spend some time in the sun and my nails tell me and you that I still prefer a beautician getting her hands on those instad of my stress.  The reflection also tells me that I did finally find some time to get a hair cut and some highlights.  My skin feels softer and so I do assume that my vitamin D intake surely went up.   All well while hanging around in front of the mirror then? Uhm, well I think I might need a crash diet because I did gain some weight.  Oh yes, I have been enjoying food and drinks wile the sun did hang around.  Most of the time in very good company.  But there is perhaps one spot that did stand out this summer.  One spot, that I surely had not a instant crush on.  No, it even asked for some forcefull language of P and being less prejudice about a certain kind of cooking and the name certainly will not ring a bell that easily because it sounds very down to earth as well: TERO.

The first time that P took me there I was not even in the mood.  The thing was that he had been there for a 'fantastic' lunch and that he wanted to go back.  The 'They have got quinoa, hummus and grilled vegetables.'-tag line was not that what I was after after a long day waiting in vain for him to show up at the promised time.  At that point I was graving for a real steak with fries and mayonnaise.  Also A whose turn it was to pick out the restaurant had his mind set on a hamburger.  So that was two against one and we headed for the brasserie where we know the menu by heart. 

Turns out that on that day half of Belgium was dining out and P then decided to just ignore our wishes and drove to this one place where food sounded not as inviting to A&Stallie.  A even told us that he would rather stay in the car than having to have the food that his dad had been describing.  When we did get there the place even looked deserted and I even admit that I secretly I hoped that they were closed.  'Mum, I don't want to go in there. I want to go for burgers.', A kept repeating over and over.  I did feel sorry for him because honestly P his description of the food is not what an 11 year old is after on a Saturday evening.

Five minutes later the three of us were seated on the outside terrace and scanning their no nonsense menu.  Desperately I tried to keep my smile up when A found out that there was no Fanta or Coca Cola on the menu.   Not one fizzy drink in sight at all and so I expected  a summer storm to break loose at the opposite side of the table.  I started to worry even more because guess what?  TERO has got no childeren's menu and nothing that sounds similar to words like 'chicken nuggets' or 'fish burger'.  Even the word 'pasta' was not be found on the tight black&white list of dishes.  So I did panic that my son was going to run out of there and even  walking home on his own.   Even myself, was having  a hard time to find food that produced positive 'dining out-vibes'. P at the other hand was already in food heaven.   'Wait till you tasted the bread and the olive oil.', he told us and so I gave him at that moment the benefit of the doubt.

Well, when the bread arrived I did notice first of all that it did smell nice and the color of the olive oil also told me that this was nothing prefabricated.  The moment that I dipped my brown piece of slightly still oven warm into the golden liquid I did sense something in the air. Okay, I was very hungry and I do have a very weak spot for bread in general.  The thing with bread at restaurants is that it can already tell you a lot about the food that will follow.   Some chefs will fully agree with me.  The bread is where the culinary experience starts with.  Nowdays there are also those people who try to stay away from gluten and that is understandable but bread is the calling card of a restaurant that wishes to stand out.  Dietwise bread is surely not your best companion but I do advise you to have at least one bite of the bread they serve at TERO.

Now the other thing you need to know about  the menu is that for dinner is that you are not supposed to pick out the classic starter and main course.  Nope, here you pick a few dishes out of a list and share those with your table.  Sounds a bit like that formula that the Spanish call tapas, doesn't it?  Well, you are right. P was already in full swing picking out his dishes and I still was under the impression that the bread was the only thing that A would have.   Next I started to have a more depth reading of the menu and then my eyes came across some ingredients that can make me smile while the sun is out and temperatures call for 'al fresco' dinning.   The moment I saw the words 'ceviche' I knew I was going to live happily ever after.

So now keeping A alive and kicking.  Words like sun dried tomatoes and Buratta pulled him over to the more 'content' side of the table.  'Mum, they don't have coca cola?', was of course the only thing that kept him still on the edge.  'You can have instead water.', was P his response.  'I don't like that. Why did we have to come here in the first place?', my son replied.  Surely very light dinner conversation when at the point your waiter shows up.  This young guy still looked very crispy in his white t-shirt and was beaming all over with positivity.  Plus the boyish grim on his face also told me that he knows how to please the hungry ladies that are after a nice light dinner and a few compliments.  But I was more worried about A at this point and did not pay that much attention to him.  (I can tell you that this changed the next time we paid a visit!)

P shot his order at him and next up was me and surprisingly there were four dishes on that list that I just could not wait for to come out of the kitchen.   I then ordered for A three things that I was sure about that he knew what they tasted like.   At this time I did feel a bit more at ease and that by now the terrace was almost full of hungry guests.   Most of them were women and A was the only child.   'Guess that this is not a spot to bring children in the first place.  What were we thinking?!', my mind was shouting at me.  A had by now emptied the whole bread basket and forced us kindly to order more bread.   I couldn't blame him at this moment but I did hope for more positivity to come out of the kitchen soon!

By the time our dishes arrived my stomach had already communicated that it needed food.  And then... well then I fell in love with food... Nope, don't expect impressive molecular cooking and complex looking dishes.  That is not what TERO is after.  Everything that the menu had told me I met up with in my mouth.  A had gone silent by now what I not always consider a good thing.  He was inspecting his food up close and personal.  But after I saw him swallowing down his fist bite of the Italian cheese and producing a positive sound I relaxed.  P looked at me and said:'Good food, isn't it?'

Good????? That word did not even come close to what my taste buds were telling me.  I was at the beach somewhere in Southern America looking at the sun set while having a few bites of nicely and fresh cut up fish bathing in some lemon juice and the nice glass of perfectly chilled Cava did surely help out as well.   I was in a very happy spot and I refused to be disturbed by anyone or anything.

So when one of these lovely waiters checked if everything was okay he only saw smiles and we produced happy sounds.  Yes, including A and that did fill me up with even some pride. Okay, he must have been hungry but he had managed to finish most of his plates.   The atmosphere had now for sure changed at our table. We were only surrounded by empty plates when our still good humored waiter came to clear our table.  'So, you enjoyed?' I did not even give P time to answer:'Oh, yes and even the little gentleman over there did.'  A had his angelic face on and wondered if we could have dessert? 'Oh, that is good to hear.  After all, if we manage to let children eat this food we know we are on the right track.'   I could only agree with him.


The desserts that is always a league of their own.  Desserts are the cherry on the pie and some chefs know that they are their forte or their achilles heel. That star restaurants have a chef de patisserie never surprises me.  Now P, A &I love desserts and so we will hardly skip that part of dining out.   We love the words you come across on a dessert menu.  It can make us even more happy but we also are fully aware that it can be risky and that chances do exist that it might be dissapointing.  It can make you leave a restaurant less upbeat and your memories of the meal will be a bit less fond. It is a bit like a roller coaster ride of which you are wondering if it will end with a great looping or rather a downwards hill that will suddenly come to a total stand still.

The dessert list at TERO is not exhuberant and sounds again very down to earth.  The best news of all is that your friends who have to enjoy a gluttenfree life will be able to share the fun and chocolate lovers out there have to taste the chocolate dessert for sure.   So we enjoyed the last course of the evening as much as our first bite and also the coffee and tea they served along got 2 thumbs up.  And so yes, we paid our bill with a smile on our face and promised to be back soon... very soon.  

Simple food, a love for fair and natural ingredients, being proud of what we can produce close to home, kicking out the additives and trying to stay true to your principles that is what I did taste while I was dining at TERO for the first time.  What a delight, what a fresh summer breeze I felt that night. There is nothing complex about what leaves this kitchen and they are hiding nothing from you (proof the see through windows) and it seems their only hope is that you will rediscover the wealth in simplicity.  Well, in my case: mission accomplished.  While walking out I waved at the chef ,who seemed to be content as well in her kingdom, and I was thinking:'You put me under a spell! One I am planning to enjoy over and over again.  You surely deserve a hug you wicked lady chef!'

Next week TERO celebrates their first anniversary and I do hope from the bottom of my heart that the modest lady chef and crew who has more than once brightened up my Summer will keep up their cooking and good work for a long time to come. 

And because the proof of the pudding is in the eating...  what are you waiting for?
http://www.tero-restaurant.com/

PS: The perfect movie and music that goes along with this entry is  'The Hundred Foot Journey.'  Watching it after having dinner at TERO will make you even fall more in love with food and life, the simple life and the passion for cooking.
And as an extra two more: One the song by Berlinda Carlisle 'I won't say' because I have to say now out loud that P made me fall in love with something that I not so easly am won over for.  And the other one is the Muppets clip that A&I just love when it comes down to cooking.  Enjoy 

Blog Comeback

Today I decided that I am just going to give it try because for the last few months I have been mostly silent while reading the news and analysing articles that I end up using for my IB classes.  Being a teacher is something that I do take very seriously and I am fully aware of how time consuming it can be too be always on top of things.  But hey, for my students I love going the distance.  Not that I am perfect... Oh no but there is already one reason why you have not found anything out here and that is something that is related to the behaviour that I have been witnessing in the media and beyond.

Stallie loves reading... I read constantly and I also love writing.  Words can trigger my creativity and I just love it to find out what moves people and what word combinations authors can come up to tell their story.  That the digital world came along with a revolution in the world of writing was to expect but I have noticed something that I just can't get my head around.  Okay, P calls me a Facebook addict and I share quite a lot on Twitter of my private life.  The days that I signed up for those two social networks I was fully aware of the pitfalls and so when Facebook comes up with new security features I will never forsake to look into those.   I just made some choices about my own profile and still I am fully aware that it is not a safe world out there in the digital world.

A few weeks ago someone who tried to become friends on Facebook told me face to face:'Hey S, if you don't wish to become friends with me then just be honest!'  Yeah, I am not that easily to find on Facebook and I did check most of the security boxes on there.  Plus no, friends of friends do not have the priveledge to just hit the friendrequest button.  Nope.  Now don't worry.  If we ever meet face to face and you will ask me very politely to become friends then chances are very likely that you are granted access. Your face I love to see first up close and personal and let us first share a piece of cake and nice cup of coffee or a gin&tonic before going digital.  That is what it takes for me to feel secure enough to share with you my adventures, some pics of my family or food that I had, some status updates that might be insane to you but have made me smile or cry or that I share a link to an article that I consider worthwhile to read.   My facebook page is surely a reflection of who I am and what my personal opinion is.  And this last one is linked to the issue I am facing for the moment....

The last few months more and more I ended up not sharing my personal opion about some issues.  Why?  Well, because I don't wish to unleash the same thing that is going on some of the forums that I end up while reading the digital newspaper.  That we now more openly can express our opinions is great.  That many of suddenly will speak up when they feel the urge I do dare to call progress.  Due to the digital revolutions there are seeds planted for real revolutions.   Ideas and creativity are easily exchanged.  Lessonplanning has become so different than when I was a student teacher when there was only the library and a photo copy machine to rely on.    And nope, I do not wish to go back to the time that I first had to locate  the books that my professor of Renaissance art got his images from before I could put together my own picture sylabus.   Looking back at that I do think this in some ways a waste of time... Seriously...That is honestly my opinion about this but this does not mean that I did think my professor was a not a nice guy.  Copy? 

Still, when I upload a picture, share a link or type a status update there is always my inner voice at work.    Now, I might have hurt some people while writing some things and some people might think that they know me very well when they analyse my Facebook page or Twitter account.  There is even scientific data available about what social network gives away about us.  People can use that data... I am fully aware of that.  Privacy in the 21st century is more and more abstract.   I am at risk out here and I can get hurt.  And I can hurt people... I have got the t-shirt!  Plus that I come across some people on forums that I just wonder what their IQ or rather what their EQ is.

Sorry,... You see that is now the whole dillemma that I am facing and that is when I do read articles, reviews, opinions it feels more and more as if I am obliged to pick a side ... That little 'thumbs up' icon on my Facebook page I do use and when I do I have a smile on my face or when I think an article is worth to share I have also read the article myself (because then I am fully prepared when friends or Twitterati will react) from A-Z and even have checked out the reviews and reactions.  Yeah, Stallie tries to be prepared.   And no, I don't start throwing with mud or using words that my grandparents, my parents, teachers and many people do not consider kosher.

Now let me tell you what goes on my brain when I read the news and forums.  The following events are the reason why Stallie has not been as active out here as she wishes because I just had second thaughts and did not wish to hurt anyone:

1.  Grexit:  

Believe me Stallie has a very outspoken meaning about and has spoken with tons of people about it (including Greecs some around the corner and some down under) and even on an airplane I had some interesting conversations about this.  Not that did it made it any eassier because when I did hear other people spitting out their opinion this is what went on in my mind:

'Oh, so when I do think that Greece should pay back the banks and the EU I am not considered a person who wishes that all Europeans can pursue hapiness.....So the Greecs just never ever questioned their government when it came down to spending money or when life time pensions to people even after they died... Strange?...You can't blame the Greec fisher who hardy makes any money due to this very low pension...Hmmm, it seems that I am a racist or not socialy engaged enough and do not have enough empathy when I say out loud that when you join a club that you are aware of what can happen when you do not live up to the conditions of your membership....Oh my dear, I am so naieve to believe in certain values... So I am not a social engaged European citizen..'

2.  IS and terror in general:

When I board a plane or get on the metro in Brussels and even when shopping at the Delhaize in my town (where terror has already paid a visit in the eighties, for those who remember 'De Bende van Nijvel') I am fully aware that I am entering the war zone.  It is a split second that I let the dark side running wild in my brain.

'Oh, so we are all to be blamed that we have not given people enough opportunities....  I am to blame that some people can not get a job due to his or her skin color or religion.....  It is because I have not spoken up hard enough that now young people join an organisation that promises them everything that they can't obtain here.... That girls are talked into going to Iran and Syria is very logic if they face an even unpredictable future here then... Interesting, so seems that I did cast the wrong vote then.....'

3.  The refugees on a sinking boat heading for the promised land (but also a sinking ship considered by many) the EU.

'Oh, why do they even come here when we have our own issues to deal with first.... Uhm, it is still better out here than having to live in a nation where you have a no future at all.  But hey, is it so wrong to wonder what their plan is.  Nothing comes for free anymore.... Can you give us your word that you are going to invest time, energy, money in the EU and make this a better place for all of us including me... Not sure that building a wall at your border will be the long term solution...I am expected to understand that you send back part of your welfare check or your pay check to less fortunate family at home but please can you also understand me that I wish for a social security system in shape in case I need it and this means that we need to invest at home in the first place.... Oh my dear,  I am going to upset people with expressing this out here but the long term planner thinks it is very essential to make all people aware that you are responsible for many and in the first place .....STOP IT Stallie right there....Who are you to judge that one person who tries to keep his grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins and nieces and nephews alive in Afghanistan by sending a few euros... Pff... Have I casted the wrong vote?'

4.  Sacrificing a sheep

'Oh, sheep do need to be fully conscious before the knife is planted into them because that is what holy word instructs you to do...hm so when I do think that this is all a bit too farfetched and do think we are wasting time on issues I am not taking you and your religion seriously... No, I don't agree what you always say or think about my relegion either..... The division between church and state in this nation seems to be a bit abstract as it seems... Hitler opposed against this way of dealing with animals so then means that I am like Hitler then... OMG it is all about votes.... COUNT ME OUT... I  need a gin&tonic tonight to digest most of the comments and reactions..... Oh look 'Shaun, the sheep, the movie' is out for rental on the paid movie channel. '

5. Trophy hunting

'Oh, no not Cecil... You must be serious that you consider taking a selfie with a dead lion is something cool.... I am not sure that people who kill living creatures for fun can be taken serious... If this is what you do with your fortune then I think that it is a bit sad out there in the world of milliounaires or the more fortunate ones... So now you end up being the haunted one... Oh, wait I don't understand you if you do think that endagered species don't need be preserved....Well I am naiev then..but the only lion that enters our house is a cuddling toy...'

6. Froome and the Tour de France:

'Oh, yeah well one look at how Froome makes his bike move and you can tell he stands out...Excuse me but Philippe Gilbert did not mention de d-word or am I mistaken?...Is it so wrong to say out loud that someone has a different style or is 'different' nowdays the word we are using for drugs..Oh nice Vanavermaet became a father... Vive le vélo has brighten up my summer nights in many ways so at least some positive news...Who wins next year? Froome again?'

7.  Trump for President

'Oh, so all it takes a lot of money and a very sharp tongue to become the next occupant of the White House... I am not sure that I can take someone serious who makes very offensive remarks about women, Mexicans and minorities in general.... So what is then your plan Donald to fix all the these problems.... Donald Duck...LOL...Still many people consider you the best option they have got?...Jimmy Kimmel his imitation of you made me LOL...You fired someone who says he resigned... Not sure if 'attack-invade-grab their oil' is going to make an impression on those fierce warriors who love Allah and gladly die for him and their principles.. I do think that you not fit in the same room with Putin... But then I am not an American and I do not have the right to vote there.'

8. Taxshift

'Oh, a taxshift that sounds like something politicians in Belgium have been talking about a lot but we never found out what this exactly is and what the implications are...So if I get this right we are going to pay just some extra taxes?... Hey wait, that about the cost for the electricity that must be a joke?...And those 100 euros some of us will get extra comes down to 30 euro after the taxes?... I think this taxshift is rather 'geschift!'... In the end it are always the same people who end up paying...Welcome in Belgium!  Did I vote for the political party who introduced this in first place?'

In case you wonder what I am trying to point out is that every time that I did come across something out there worth to write a blog entry about my brain suddenly got frozen because it never felt 'good enough'. Plus yes, I was a bit 'afraid' to express to my opinion. No, don't start me on political corect language now... DON'T YOU DARE... a few weeks ago even Barack Obama used de n-word and it amazed many of us but he did try to point out something very essential.  (no, I don't have the intentions to go into detail into this but he made sense or at least to me... You see... here we go again... stop it now Stallie!)

Stallie found out in the last few weeks that I won't be able not to 'hurt' some people their feelings or always share his or her opinion.  For someone who prefers to hang out in the grey zone and who tries to find the perfect balanace between her light and dark side this is very confronting.   Stallie does not like to pick sides or labelling people because of their skin color, religion, gender, etc.  I refuse to do so but I am fully aware that some of you who read the nonsense that I created won't share my opinion.   Does it matter?  Well, hard to say...Just as the thin line between fiction and reality there is not always a very clear difference between opinion and being justified.  I am very busy with figuring this out and trying to find a safe route amongst all the mines that are planted out there.  This summer I did spend in most of the time in no man's land.

But you know what?  Today I finally found someone who expressed partly what is going on in my brain and what I am facing constantly when I just give over to the rahter negative vibes that have taken my creative vibes hostage.  This Summer I have tried to come up with a recipe to write a blame free entry and I failed... Should I feel guilty about that?... At least I tried... The positive side of this I have taken the time to reflect and found out that I am not only facing this.  There is no escape of something you love as much I love writing...

PS: In case you understand Dutch you can read the following article/opinion.  And for once I did not read the reactions that people posted on there.  I bet that some people have found a loopholl in it and have come up with less nice language to describe the author of this article... Just a wild guess...
http://www.knack.be/nieuws/belgie/dat-de-islam-in-te-veel-discussies-als-ultieme-maatstaf-wordt-gebruikt-is-bijzonder-kwalijk/article-opinion-594055.html?utm_campaign=Echobox&utm_medium=social&utm_source=Facebook

PS2:  Turns out that what I have been writing about does actualy have a name.  In the latest issue of The Atlantic they go into the depth what is called 'microagression'.  Read and find out what is happening out there. No, I don't think this is heading into the right direction. If professors are already scared of their own students and we might have to rewrite half our dictionary then this is getting a bit out of hand.  http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/

'Das Kampfschwein' versus de Woordencomponist!

Ik schrijf niet veel in het Nederlands.  Soms verstop ik me achter die ene taal die me gewoon iets eenvoudiger doet praten.  De taal waarin ik veel beter de woorden weet te vinden die precies weergeven wat ik voel en denk.  Niet dat het Nederlands geen aantrekkelijke taal is.  Zeker wel!  Het is een taal die ik nu probeer aan te prijzen bij anderstaligen en analyseer tot ik er soms bij kan neervallen.  Daarnaast ondervind ik met het ouder en wijzer te worden, dat mijn moedertaal een bijzondere taal is.  Hoe kan het best de relatie weergeven die ik heb met mijn eigen taal? 

Het is beetje zoals het lezen van een werk van Jeroen Brouwers.  Op eerste zicht lijkt een zin heel eenvoudig, bijna een niemendalletje en dan plots een vijftal secondes later besef je plots hoe subtiel die woorden wel zijn.  Ze zijn niet zomaar daar terecht gekomen.  Het lijkt alsof de auteur op een wit canvas met een penseel heel subtiel kleurschakeringen heeft aangebracht.   Ze een paar dagen heeft laten drogen en dan de volgende penseeltrek heeft aangebracht.  En als je dan 1 of 2 stappen achteruit zet, zie je plots hoe alles een prachtig samenspel vormt.  Het volledige plaatje klopt en wanneer je dan de allerlaatste bladzijde omslaat dan overvalt je plots een heel bijzonder gevoel.   Een gevoel dat je als lezer graag ervaart en dat je precies hebt mogen meereizen van A tot Z met de auteur.

Wel, gisteren na de hel in Wales vroeg ik me eventjes af wat bondscoach Marc Wilmots zou kunnen leren van Brouwers.  Ja, ik weet het, Stallie heeft zo van die rare hersenspinsels!  Vergeef het me, maar het is ook een beetje beroepsmisvorming aan het worden.  Ga nu niet alstublieft niet lopen want ik weet het wel dat een voetbalcoach vergelijken met een auteur van de Nederlandse taal dat houdt totaal geen steek.  Maar sta me toch even toe om deze bizarre denkoefening op deze plek eens proberen te maken.   

Na vanavond staan de Rode Duivels weer netjes met hun dure voetbalschoenen terug op de grond.  Balen zullen ze zeker om Bale zijn gevreesde uithaal.  En als ik Twitter mag geloven stond daar geen ploeg op het veld die in staat lijkt om nog samenspel te creëren.  Stilstaande fases dat ligt onze duiveltjes precies niet.  Tot op heden is er geen beeldmateriaal dat aangeeft dat 'das Kampfschwein' het de moeite waard vindt om daar trainingsminuten aan te verspillen.  Tja, een buurland die een bepaalde beker meebracht uit Brazilië deed dat wel. En op het veld leek die ploeg een geoliede machine.

En laat het nu net diezelfde gedrevenheid en 'Gründlichkeit' zijn waarmee Brouwers schrijft.  Bij hem zijn er heel veel stilstaande fases waar het woord wordt rond gespeeld en uw hoofd geneigd zal zijn om het bewustzijn te verliezen.  En vergis u niet, de man heeft heel grondig nagedacht voor hij ook maar 1 woord op papier neerschrijft.    In een van zijn weinige interviews gaf hij ooit toe dat hij er een grondige hekel aan heeft dat het vooral de inspiratie zou zijn die noodzakelijk zou zijn om te kunnen blijven schrijven.  De woorden vallen bij deze Nederlander echt niet zomaar uit de lucht.  Net zoals de doelpunten in heel veel wedstrijden niet uit de lucht komen vallen.  Hij verkiest het om eerder heel doelgericht zijn woorden en zinnen neer te pennen.   Stap voor stap worden woorden omgezet in een lijnenspel van links naar rechts dat soms in een versnelde fase terecht kan komen en dan duikt uit het niets de spits op. Deze scoort dan een zin die al de andere zinnen nog meer diepgang geeft.  Het samenspel haalt het iedere keer van toevalstreffers.

Maar dit vergt wel wat oefening en heeft in de meeste gevallen weinig met inspiratie te maken.  Eerder met volharding en geloof dat wat je neerschrijft in elke omstandigheid het grotere nut zal dienen.  'Bad vibrations' die zijn zeker en vast ook te vinden in zijn pennenvruchten maar zelfs die woorden zijn zo gericht gekozen dat ze nog weten te scoren.  Er is geen enkel omweg naar het doel en je komt er enkel en alleen als je volledig inzet om er te geraken waar ook Brouwers is geraakt.  Maar je hebt bijna geen enkele keuze en realiseert al heel snel dat er is maar 1 weg is om de essentie te begrijpen en dat is de weg vooruit.  Zelfs mocht die eindigen in verlies en tegenspoed dan was de weg er naartoe nog de moeite waard.

Net zoals op een voetbalveld kom je bij Brouwers antihelden en underdogs tegen.  Het zijn 'mensen van papier' die je soms wenst een keer goed door mekaar te schudden.  'Zie jij nu echt niet wat ik al op kilometers heb zien aankomen of wens je het gewoon niet te willen zien?'   Je hebt zin om het uit te schreeuwen en de fictieve mens eerst eens alles duidelijk te maken voor hij zich in het ongeluk stort.   Hun 'flaws' zijn zo duidelijk dat je ogen er bijna pijn van gaan doen. Het raderwerk is gewoon in gang gezet en er is geen weg terug.   Maar het is ook geen schande om dan tot de slotzin te komen dat je het gewoon niet zag of plots niet meer weet wat je nog moet denken. 

Weinig personages in de creaties van Jeroen maken dan ook gekke bokkensprongen of gaat plots als kippen zonder hoofd op een veld staan rondlopen.  Je bent een spits, aanvaller of verdediger en daartussen bestaat er weinig speelruimte en gun je iemand anders ook niet die beweegruimte.   Je dan plots achter een bepaalde lijn gaan willen verstoppen, heeft geen zin.  In tegendeel, het zou heel het verhaal als een pudding in mekaar doen zakken.  Je gaat de oven ook niet opentrekken als je tulbandcake net op het punt staat perfect te rijzen.  Want we weten allemaal wat daar het resultaat van is: de vuilbak. En je mag dan weer van nul beginnen.  'Schoenmaker blijf bij je leest', dat is gevoel dan je overvalt bij het lezen van Brouwers.   Ik zie Jan Vertonghen heel graag (ik heb een boontje voor verdedigers) maar waarom laat je net hem op heel cruciaal moment een vrije trap nemen? Vreemd?  Probeer je daarmee de tegenstander zand in de ogen strooien?  Ben dan geneigd af te haken. 

Dus geef me maar een heel moeilijk te door worstelen werk van de grootmeester Brouwers waar de vonken pas vanaf spatten nadat het je echt hebt laten inwerken.  Waar je soms met je vergrootglas op moet gaan zitten of net een stapje moet terug zetten om het bos door de bomen te zien.  Wilmots en Brouwers een wereld van verschil.  De twee spreken zeker en vast niet dezelfde taal. Maar ik vraag me meer en meer af na de heel koude douche die 11 Duivels over zich heen kregen in het land van de draken of het niet eens tijd wordt om onze bondscoach een Brouwers cadeau te doen.  En op de allereerste bladzijde zou ik dan ook nog het volgende citaat van de auteur neerpennen:' “Niets bestaat dat niet iets anders aanraakt.”  Ik ben er bijna van overtuigd dat de eerder lome spitsen van gisteren die boodschap ook zullen begrijpen.

Niet dat ik nu geen fan meer ben van ons nationaal elftal.  Ik was er ook toen ze het minder deden of we precies nooit nog zouden meetellen.   Want soms moet je gewoon geduld leren opbrengen en hopen dat het op een dag wel weer lukt.  De Welsh Dragons hebben heel lang moeten wachten op een gloriemoment.   Je hoort hen dit ook te gunnen.  Brouwers wordt veel gegund.  Hij schrijft namelijk niet het ene werk na het andere.  Heb ooit het ware genoegen Dimitri Verhulst naast Brouwers aan te treffen op de boekenbeurs.  De blik van Verhulst in zijn ogen toen hij mij probeerde te overtuigen om 'Het Hout' te lezen die vergeet ik nooit.  Ze kroop onder mijn huid.  Moest het collectief schrijverschap meer kans op slagen hebben dan weet ik bijna zeker in welke ploeg Verhulst wenst te spelen.

Geef me dus maar op een regenachtige dag een Brouwers.  Naar mijn aanvoelen is het dan ook hoog tijd dat onze bondscoach  'Game of Thrones' aan de kant legt.  Vuurspuwende draken hebben we gisteren in actie gezien.  Those are history!   De boodschap is duidelijk.  Brouwers zou nu zijn pen neerleggen en even herbronnen en dan is er maar 1 weg: VOORUIT!!  Parijs is just around the bend....

Maar graag laat ik Jeroen Brouwers zelf aan het woord in deze eerder vreemd klinkende blog post:

 "...doordat je je hebt ontworsteld aan de geijkte rommannetjes-makerij, die, volgens alle ongetalenteerden, bestaat uit 'een verhaal', met 'een begin', een 'ontwikkeling' en 'een eind', vanzelfsprekend en verrassingloos verlopend van A naar Z. Schrijven verloopt immers niet met behulp van bestaande plattegronden en via van tevoren uitgestippelde routes. Schrijven heeft te maken met de krochten die in jezelf zitten, met het te voorschijn halen van de schatten die zich daarin bevinden: dat te doen zonder zuurstofmasker, zonder bespijkerde schoenen, zonder een koffertje bij je met daarin je tandenborstel, je lunchpakket, 1 schone onderbroek en de foto van je gezinnetje."

Up, Close & Personal With A Mountain

I am a Capricorn and those you come in real life across in mountains.  Stallie loves mountains. For a while I even lived surrounded by mountains.  Those natural obstructions can cause me to take very deep breaths and also long for something that I have not let into my life for a very long time.  It is very long story why I have not gone back there and no I am not going to get into that because in about 24h I will have my ski boots fitted and then I will have to dive into that one substance that I have not dared to go back on for such a long time.

The thing is that in my head is like an obstruction as well.  Over a decade ago I did come down of mountains like it was my second nature.  Yes, it has taken me long time to get the hang of it but thanks to a very patient ski instructor who took me five days under his wings I suddenly found out what skiing is all about.   He had managed to push me a bit further than anyone before.  It was he who suddenly managed to make me experience what you can feel like when going down a mountain and feeling your heartbeat so loud that you just scream for more of that same rush.   Oh yes, I can be very clumsy when it comes down to getting on a ski lift.  Plus I will crack you up when you see me trying to get into my boots or even seeing me getting out of them will created laughs.  Half of the time I won't find my ski pass and then I have not mentioned it is not a good idea to ski behind me because I can suddenly freeze and wanting to enjoy the view.

Oh wait, that was all before that one instructor got his way....

So what happened?  Well, that is very hard to describe but it basically involved letting go, trust and following my instincts.  Oh yes, I did fall down more than once and it was not always fun but by day 3 he did seem to be satisfied with my progress.   It was then I had found that one sensation that so many skiing people rave about.   It is very hard to describe what it feels like.  My sis and brother share this feeling with me. And they are die hards.  They are so much fun to see on skis.  My god child E can now ski and A is now begging me to take him on a ski trip.   So what went wrong that I over a decade decided to stay away from slopes, ski, aprés ski bars, ski lifts and many winter sport related vocabulary?  Yeah, well life did catch up with me.   In a way my innocence had vaporized and my mind got invaded by fog. 

The last time I was high up a mountain I did dare to take risks and I did conquer a certain slope that if I look back it would never have dared up in the first place.  That morning I did ski like I had nothing to loose but inside my mind it was pure havoc.  Havoc I had to face when I got home.   Skiing was from that moment on something that I did relate with things that had caused me a lot of pain and even shame.  So when I met P who was not a skiing person I did not call that such a shame.   Stallie had no plans to go back soon and once I gave birth to A and I ended up with a double hernia I even kicked out all my skiing material and clothing.

Did I miss it?  Did I even look over my shoulder and did I even think about going back?  Did even picture me back on a slope and skiing down a mountain?  Did I ever made the promise to myself that when opportunity would knock on my door that I would open the door?   Well, nope.  Because skiing involved many sensations and skills that I kind of left behind on the top of that mountain.  It was something that did not fit anymore in my life.   The carefree person that I used to be I had said farewell the moment I got back on the road home from that skiing trip in the French Alps.

Stallie before the black slope at Avoriaz called 'Coup de Monde' and after it are two totaly different people.  It turned out that I had made some judgement calls that had gotten me in a certain state of mind that was not very pitoresque.  It was at that time that I found that I could not just burst out in a cry if I wanted to or if I felt like was about to scream out that I had to pretend that everything was okay.  At that time I kind of lost my vibe and I even found out that I could not trust just anybody.   Oh yes, I had also found out who my real friends were and who not.  None of them were with me while skiing down those slopes.  

On top of a mountain I felt like I could manage that state of mind.  It was like the fresh air, the height, the deep blue sky, the powder snow and the sun managed to erraze it all.  It was like it was in a time zone where it was me against a mountain.  Nothing else mattered and my life next to the slope was a total havoc but I was not ready to face the music and the consequences. I was scared and I felt all by myself once I was not on a mountain. 

It felt great and yes I had hoped that I would be able to pack up that feeling and rushing back home in the hope that the side effects would help me out.  Only the people that know me up, close and personal and know where I have been for a while ever since that last trip know exactly why I did not dare to go back.  I was afraid it would open certain wounds that needed a long time of healing.  The scars are still there and they will go with me when I get of that ski lift and will look down that mountain facing the slope that I hope to come down with a more confident feeling then I am experiencing at the moment while writing this entry. 

I want to get that vibe back, feel that powder snow back in my face, breathe in that mountain air,  let the mountain decide where I need to go in order to get back at the bottom of the hill..... okay...so it is about letting go... following my instincts...  but staying cautious at the same time...I am ready to embrace that mountain and all the sensations that I have been pushing out because they are so fragile, unpredictable and intense...It might involve some falling down and having to get back on my feet and face the fact that a mountain will always be stronger but I want to be back friends with it....  Nothing really matters on top of mountain.... oh wait everything matters but on top of mountain you suddenly know what does not...


PS: To those people who might be able to read between the lines I am still very grateful that you were there for me in that period of my life when I needed help when I got back from that skiing trip.  I am still very grateful!!!!

Easter Impressions

It is the Sunday that calls us to go outside 
and to show up in the spirit of hope.

On this specific day nature shows its power and 
you suddenly see how the daffodils and tulips can be 
radiant. 

It is the morning the grass is casting away
the winter blues.

The Sunday that is worthy of its name 
because we then all dive into something divine.

The day that laughter 
and the sound of cracking eggs 
fill up the heart of not only the young ones.

That one specific date on the calendar 
we all whisper for peace of mind.

Rays of sun who tell you 
there is something awaiting around the bend
It might be still not visible for the eye 
and even your heart might even deny its existence.

But undoubtedly that one day that will 
always tell you that resurrection takes place
all around you.  


P, A & Stallie wish you all close or not that close by a lovely Easter.