vrijdag 26 juni 2009

Red it will be!!!

For the moment the temperature is rising outside and I will be driving to work to get ready for our open school evening. There will be a cook out, drinks, some music and a nice atmosphere and as an extra a huge dessert buffet to check out. I will be spending this evening between the kitchen and a classroom to welcome interested parents. And you know what I am actually in the mood!

Looking back at the ten last months I can actually smile. For me this was a very special school year. It did not started out with a smile and during the year I had some ups and downs. But personal it was for me one of the my best years ever. I challenged myself many times and took some risks. Not all of you might have noticed the difference but the people that can read between the lines or are a bit closer with me will know.

Today I woke up knowing that I can actually state that I am happy!!!!!!!!! I really am! I am happy to be a teacher with a twist, to be a student with wrinkles and some retakes this summer (not that I know already how many it will be, but I don't mind), a mother who loves her son to bits, P his sidekick who she needs to point out that there is more to live then duty, a sister who is very proud of what her sister and brother managed to do (I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU L&J!!!!!!), and on top of that I feel very happy that I can look now myself straight into mirror knowing that I can be happy with just being myself!!!!

Some weeks ago I did something that I had not done for a very long time. Not that I tried to but it seemed that I just couldn't manage it. Like I was still upset and that going out there would really make me even more upset and even angry! Finally I felt ready to drive my car to cemetery, park it there and walk all by myself through the gates heading to that stone with a name on there that stands for so much that I really miss and would give a million to get back. One more hug, one more conversation, one more glass of champagne, one more museum visit, one more telephone call, one more trip to admire the sunset in Greece (we never did that but that would have been a hell of a trip!), a walk through the garden, ..........

I could go on for a long time but I would have loved to do them with only one person!!!! For five long years I did not manage to drag me to the cemetery to just stand there and be at peace! That stone stood for all the anger that I had inside of me! Like I blamed him for not living up to my expecations!

While I walked there it felt so different then the times I had been there (the first two years I visited the grave many times) like I knew that when I would be standing there it would be okay! Arriving there I saw the flowers that my mother put there and some little stones she had put there. Mum bikes over many times and brings along stones she finds around the house and she leaves them behind on his grave. Jewish people do the same thing when they visit their loved ones and I know that my dad would have loved this symbolic gesture.

I was empty handed this time but I told them there straight forward some things that I had hold back for such a long time. I folded a fist with my fingers and showed it to him! I told me that I would not give up and that I know what I need to do if I want to succeed and that he for sure showed me in many ways what I have to do! It is not an easy ride and there will be many bumps but that is okay!

Life is about letting go, trying to put things in the right perspective! Well for a very long time I seemed lost out there. Like I needed that one guide that seemed to have all the answers. Throughout last ten months I came to terms with the fact that you only get one chance to get things right!

This last seven days I met many people that pointed this out to me! And strangely enough they mentioned even my dad! Well, it just hit me there and now that what the things my parents thaught me that those made me stronger. Two damn good conversations stood out! I had them with people that have helped my in me being a good teacher.

L pointed out that when you loose your father it has a major impact on your life and that you underestimate it so badly! C told me that she was so proud of me of what happened the last few years while teaching. She believes in me and hopes that I won't give up! Those two strong women were sitting across the table there and you can be sure there are no superwomen They are very human and also have rather sometimes tough times! They seem to do this with a lot of grace and most of all they don't want to forsake themselves!

Well, that is something that I promised right there amongst hundreds of graves that stand for so many lives! It is not an easy promise to make but I deep down feel that it is the only right thing to do! More then ever I am so grateful to what I am able to do and be day in day out. My parents tried to taught me some facts about of life! They really did a good job!

In the end though it is really you who will have to color in your own art work! It seemed that I was for a very long time in a blue period! Well I now think that red is the best color of all to add some color to my life! Guess twice what I will be wearing today? A red t-shirt and a pair of blue linnen trousers! And next time when I visit my dad I will take along that one red flower that stood for the love he had for life and they still bloom in the garden he loved so much! I can't wait!

P.S.: I would now like to jump into my little car and imagine me driving throughout the Tuscany hills, my hair blowing in the wind and in the background Marco Borsato's song: 'ROOD'. It gives me goosebumps and it can make me cry at the same time but there are now tears for joy!

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