zaterdag 16 april 2011
Alive And Kicking
I am about to hug every single tree I come across and at the same time I wish to slam a few doors. This morning I told P what I was experiencing. For the moment Stallie would like to run a marathon and at the same time she just wishes to show the finger at her own reflection in the mirror. Spring is the air and Stallie is restless! All the energy that is bundled up in her seems not to find the right exit. Or it only seems to come out drop by drop.
It is like I am dragging along an IV-bag. Its drip that can cause myself hanging out at the dark and the light side and this at the same side. It is like a drug that I seem not to be able to resist and at the same time wish to spit out in order to get rid of the bitter sweet aftertaste.
Stallie feels alive and kicking, but this also means that she is having a hard time. I still don't manage to let go according to A. Yes, he planted 9 needles into my skin and twisted them around. You can be sure that I did feel them. The ones in my toes made me get goosebumps and one that was resting peacefully in my neck made me pulling funny but painful faces.
So I am having this love and hate relationship with my innerself. It is hard to explain to others. Because it is something that is so hard to put down in words. How in the world to I find the right words when it comes down to describing the most complex feeling that Stallie experiences when she does feel alive.
Fully alive! One look at the colorful trees that carry their white and pink blossoms makes me smile. I then wish to touch those every single of them. But I do not dare because one touch might disturb the fragile relationship that the pedals have with the branch. So I just stare at them and mindtravel.
Then it happens that Stallie might get lost in a very far off place where not many are granted access to. My senses are awakened and then I seem to lose it all together! I then want to jump of a roof into icecold water but at the same time wish to wrap myself into a very thick quilt to get warm again. The cool spring perfume that hits my nose in the morning makes me drive faster but at the same time I then wish to parc my car on a deserted parking lot and cry. This for no particular reason what so ever. The sunlight that hits the windows of my classroom guarantees my pupils a homework free evening. At the same time I feel so empty when I close the door of my classroom that I am about to colapse right there and give in! I desperately wish to plant my feet in the morning dew that is resting peacefully out there on the freshly cut grass but I do stay away because I do not wish to break any magical spell that might be at work out there in mysterious ways!
I am so grateful for the seasons but it also means that I suddenly am back out on an emotional rollercoaster. One without brakes and so I do not know when it will come to an end. No warning signs along this road. What might come across my road might make me laugh out loud or weep that I am about to use every single tissue I can find in my Mary Poppins bag. And yes, I even am tempted to slap some people right in the face when I think they deserve so. At the other hand I would run after each hurt animal with all the band aids I can find.
Chances are that when you would walk into my kitchen while I am doing the washing up that I am headbanging along some teenage music and sing totaly of key along. At the other hand I might have plugged in my headphones and be listening to the Requiem by Mozart and tears gliding down my cheeks. If I would have a horse close by I would be galloping in black beauty style down the beach while the seabreeze hits my face. At other hand I am about to wander around aimlessly in a very dark forest not knowing what is ahead, the cold sweat breaking out.
Uhm, Stallie, borderline? No, trust me that it is not! It more like my buddies Ying and Yang have decided to show me what powers are at work inside of me. The awakening nature seems to get Stallie out of her hibernating status. My senses are then very sharp and I am then more then ever aware of the very fragile state that I live in. Grateful I am then when I take a very good look at what I see. Not only what is close by and I can touch but also what I was granted to see, touch, feel, taste, experience, smell at some very special and specific moments of my life.
The best way to perhaps to get your head around is picturing Stallie trying to keep her balance on a slack rope that is out there high up in the sharp blue sky. In one hand I am holding a little umbrella with rainbow colors and the other one I am holding a red rose of which the red petals will fall of the moment I move to much. And the other image is Stallie out there in a cool sailing boat sailing away with on board all the people she holds close to her heart. I am then ready to Titanic style to be Rose and just let go and take very deep breaths.
In case you wonder if this a bad state to be in? I don't think so. It just is so hard to explain to others what I feel! If there was a way to let you travel along I would let you get on board. Still, I am kind of sure that many people out there to get my message, know what I am after. So, in case you wish to travel along but don't trust the captain I can asure there are enough life rafts on board in case you want to travel back to safer and calmer 'mind'-shores. 'All aboard!'
P.S.:Two songs that for sure express my innerstate: a golden oldie (Yes, you see it right that is Kate Cattrall!) and a modern 21st century girl with a warm voice.