woensdag 18 mei 2011
Blood Into The Open!
Uhm, uhm... I guess that I have some explaining to do. After posting that last entry it seems that I have scared the hell out of some people. Sorry about that! I had not the intention to do so but if I am not mistaken I had already pointed out that I would only post it if I knew what was going on.
Because for quite some time I did not. Don't start calling me now a freak or such. I am not the type to run to a doc the moment I start to sneeze or feel an itch somewhere. I am blessed with having my own 'Carlisle Cullen'-inhouse doc. This comes in very handy in case of certain medical emergencies. And yes, P does calm me down when I think that I have something lethal. I do trust my other significant on that part blindly but this time it was a bit different.
Since January I am losing weight. Or at least that is when I started to notice that I was losing it. People who happen to know me in the flesh can witness that the Stallie 10 years ago looked quite different then the one they had to deal with ever since my son was born. Not that I wished to call me obese but according to my private doc there was some work to be done.
So turns out that I did take care of that in a very convincing way because suddenly people around me started to notice. At work, at A his school, friends and family were pointing out to me that something had changed about me. Now, I am not good in dealing with compliments. In a way I don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I even think that people don't mean what they say when they pay me a compliment. And as long as P was not noticing anything remarkable about my body I just did think that they all were overreacting.
I have to be honest that the moment I got to buy my newest pair of dark blue cool Tommy Hilfiger-jeans it was the best feeling ever. For over 10 years I had not bought new jeans. Shopping is fun but fitting clothes takes time and I always feel a bit tensed when I know that there are 2 over energetic men waiting outside. And I also hated the fact that I had to ask in most cases for a bigger size. Self confidence killer. So, mission 'weight lose' accomplished you must be thinking. Happy ending for Stallie! Huray get the champagne out because the 'old' Stallie is back. Still,...
Well, since a few weeks I was paying attention to my body a bit more. I noticed I had blue spots on my legs and arms. Not just one or two but I had the impression that I had walked into a white van once more. I am tempted to call my self a bit the Twilight character 'Bella Swan' when it comes down to clumsyness. I can walk into doors, hit everything that stands still and stair cases even only the ones consisting out of two or three stairs can make me trip and then hit something that is in the way. But still...
I also was experiencing a rash that I could not put my finger on. And I had also sometimes this rather tingling sensation in my hands and feet. My hands were also kind of shaky at some moments. I did not feel that happy when I then did that one thing that some docs hate their patients doing. Stallie went on the internet and starting to google most of these out- and inside symptoms. Not that I told P or any befriended doc I was doing so. Because most of them are very sensitive about patients playing diagnostists themselves. But I don't think that I need to tell you that the word 'cancer' was a constant hit when I was googling away.
And after days of contemplation I did call my GP to get the blood out in the open. I now wanted to know if I was in my blood as fine as I felt. Because yes, I feel great and more alive then ever. But there is this kind of fatalistic touch to my brain. It was also my GP who for the first time mentioned the word cancer out loud. It made a shiver go down my spine while he said so and was sucking out blood in tubes. He did try to calm me down but the seed was already planted into my mind. Stallie her brain was already in over drive.
So by the time I got home I was running wild and could not relax anymore and then I had two options. Start calling people or write is down to get it out of my system. The first option I did not prefer because I did not 'openly' want to talk about it. Like I was then opening Pandora's Box. So I then decided to go for the blog.
Seems that I just had forgotten that also on there people 'listen'. People read my blog and some of these people seem to care about me. I am not on my own out there in the blogger-world. I admit that I had doubts about posting it but it are still words that do so well describe what I was feeling the last few days. I was running scared!
I am not anymore. I am fine. Believe me because I believe it. My blood tells me so and it told me even much more then I hoped for. I am declared healthy. On top of that I have now got a very cool plastic card with my blood type on it. Today I can go and pick up my results in a envelop.
Tonight I will hand them over to P and he will then roll his eyes. Next he will tell me once more that I should stop acting like a fool and start trusting him when it comes down to these things. Perhaps he then will call me a hypochondriac! Serves me right! But I had my very personal reasons to get this blood out in the open.
Perhaps I needed proof black on white to finish up my mental make-over. Putting to an ultimate test what I have been practicing now. I am trying to get used to the Stallie that now can walk around in the jeans that she considered out of reach and the one who this week was standing in front of her old ballet school. Next time I am ready to walk in there and then tell them that I am back and this time for real. My blood is going to run wild on the dance floor!