woensdag 11 mei 2011

In A Dark Wood Wandering

All that goes up has to come down at a certain moment of time. And yes, it is my time. Okay, so this then means that all the things I have been posting about mindfullness and feeling rather positive now are going to be tested. BIG TIME!!! I refuse to let the demons back in and I am kicking back. Very hard! I just hope that they get the message. I am not going back there where I have been spending quite some time. I refuse to let the negative energy becoming the major force in my mind and beyond.

Is is always easy to state that you are a true believer in 'Mindfullness' and such when things are going smooth and according to plan. Then you seem to have found the way of dealing with thunderstorms and other less appealing ingredients. I do hear often the comment about lifestyle books that they are only working when your life is blissful. What if you hit the wall, or face a constant fear or sensation of pain?

Uhm, 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating', is one of my personal favorite English expressions. So yes, most of these theories can only be proofed successful when you face the less nice sides of life. I am now facing troubled times and moments that I will seem to have the impression that nothing goes according to plan. There will be people around me who will try to crawl back into my mind and take possession of it. Liking it or not. I know the signs and feel them. My body tells me very straight forward what is going on inside of my mind.

I can try to ignore those signs. Act like nothing is happening. Then I can put on my sunglasses and just try to walk through the dark forest. And then just hope that I will not have walk into one of these traps. Very easy and very safe. But then the past told me that your faith always meets up with you. Sooner or later you have to face it.

In the past I have been always very envious of:
-people who seem have found the ability to face the consequences of their choices or can go with the flow.
-people who seem to take things less personal or not give into the dark side.
-people who seem to have found the ultimate tool to call the shots at any time. -people who always act according to their believes, values and principles.
-people who are perfectly in balance and this even when there is a major crises going on.
-people who are the boss of their own emotions.
-people who can deal with loss, pain and heartache without bugging anyone else about it.

But then I have found out that most of these people also have their own demons. They just seem to be hiding them a bit better then the more emotional type. It is sometimes strange to find out that the 'stronger' personality you meet up also have got their flaws. They have got the ultimate camouflage technique and walk around on this globe hoping that no one will ever find out.

Now, I try to find alternative ways of dealing with this nearing mind-attack. Yes, I am scared and I am already bugging P and some other friends about what I am experiencing. I also know that P is hoping that he won't have to face the 'same' Stallie over again. He must have been suffering as well. Because it is not always a walk through Central Park with me. I must say that I am very grateful to him that he is still putting up with me.

A few days ago he was also the one who said out loud what I already had been saying to some other people who are facing the same challenge as I do. 'Nothing will be the same anymore. Things have changed. Some might not know yet but sooner or later they will find out that you can not always turn back time!' So I guess that while I am walking through the dark woods I will encounter other 'lost' souls. Some might not know yet that they have entered the dangerous zone where they will be tested others will find a true alley in me in order to walk out with a smile on their face.

P.S.1: My favorite part of Dante is very long and complex poem 'Inferno' by Dante is this part. It does for sure state what I feel like when I enter my 'dark forest'.

" Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straight-forward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.

So bitter is it, death is little more;
But of the good to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other things I saw there.

I cannot well repeat how there I entered,
So full was I of slumber at the moment
In which I had abandoned the true way.

But after I had reached a mountain's foot,
At that point where the valley terminated,
Which had with consternation pierced my heart,

Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders,
Vested already with that planet's rays
Which leadeth others right by every road."
(source: Inferno, Canto 1, Dante)

P.S. 2: This is perhaps a very strange music choice to go along with this entry. But still in most cases the darker moments in my life do hit me right between the eyes. And yes in this clip the the Twin Towers of NYC are still there. And yes, I try to fight back with my biggest weapon ever: LOVE!!!

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