While hurricane Sandy was about to hit the US east coast and the rain was pouring down in Brussels I was hiding out in a warmer spot. Last night the Latin American music invaded my mind and made me move my body&soul to the rhytme that makes me feel so much lighter . I did spend that rainy night in the accoustic company of Juanes&co. They managed to get the National Circus of Brussels into the Ritmo Latino. The only thing that I was missing was a Cuba Libre or a Mojito to get even more into the Latin mood. And no, it does not take much in order to create this sensation. Juanes did bring along Alex Cuba and this fellow needed only a guitar and his warm voice to sing his way into our colder hearts. And because sometimes the music says it all am I going to keep it rather short and sweet:
P.S.: I do hope that all my readers at the US coast are safe and well and that there is not too much damage to face. And F, thanks for dragging me along! It was for sure a memorable night out in 'Bruxelas'.
It is midterm and I made it in one piece. Not that it not took any
effort to make it to the finish line. Okay, it is not like I have been
running a marathon but I feel a bit shattered. But the tiredness is more
located in my brain then in my body. That I faced first about 70
parents at report card was for me of course quite a challenge. But then
it is part of the job description and that these parents show intrest in
how their children manage with Dutch I do think is quite nice. There
was not a lot of time for coffee, tea, a biscuit or even lunch we had in
a personal record time. Time did fly by and then you suddenly get hit
by the hammer. Your mind starts to act up funny.
I love
my mind and brain in general. Stallie loves the brain games and I admit
it here openly that I even like to play a few games to keep my mind
focused.
As long I feel the positive side effects of having a racing mind I do not mind. Unfortunately it not always works out that way. What goes up has to come down once in a while so....Stallie is always aware that sooner of later her mind will back fire at her. It then seems so hard to let go and let things take its course. Not that I do not try. Believe me I already am better at then I used to. But still it will always be something that makes some days a bit less fun to hang out with me. Not that you will always notice because I got better at hiding out. I do have now even an office where I can run to and close the door and try to take a distance of it all.
So yes, I have got storms going on in my mind. There are even moments that I wish I could turn my mind of for a few days. It is not that I curse it but the brain activity sometimes complicates things and I need also a break once in a while. After all I am only human and yes I have got the tendency to hold back my emotions because they only make things more complicated. But then I would forsake myself in many ways. The moment my eyes fill up with tears I do hold them back or try to find an other way to deal with the sadness or the insecurity or the anger or whatever less fun emotions has taken over my mental state.
Do I look for help? Do I fight back? Do I look for distraction? Oh yes, I do. Because I know deep down that I need to take care of myself and not letting the emotions take over my life. Now, please do not think that I am afraid of having ended up in a story that could been extract of an appocalyptic movie that nobody wants to see or playing a part in. I have already found out that I did not and the grass is always greener at the other side.
Okay, the Mayas their calendar says that we might only have a few weeks to enjoy on this globe but a website of NASA-scientists tried already to convince me otherwise. But we will see if we make to the 23rd of December in one piece. For now I need to concentrate on the good stuff that my life has got to offer and putting the less nice things in the right perspective without polluting my brain with gloomy and poisonous thaughts. It is not worth to leave my sleep or getting totaly tensed up because it turns out that I am not living the fairy tale life. And to be honest I have got so much to be happy and grateful for..... it are the finer feelings that I do then search for and I do find them in many places and moments that I now consider rather special:
- having a lovely luncheon with some good friends who already know me so well and also share the deeper emotions of their lives. The smiles shown during that meal were sincere and were not fake. The given advice they gave me I do take at heart.
- a lovely ride with P in his sports car through the country side and feeling so content of just seeing the simple things like green pastures, sheep and horses that were enjoying the last rays of Summer sunshine. I had this warm feeling rushing through my veins that makes me feel happy.
- cupcakes and great chats with my friend N and her lovely son V. The friendship I get to share with her makes me feel so much alive.
- a fantastic bookweek at work! Being a great booklover it made me end up in 7th heaven and I met up with some great authors and illustrators that for sure found their way into my book-mind. That I got to go to work as Mary Poppins was also a great extra.
- meeting up with a friend that once made my heart beat faster and who still tries to keep up with me. It was just lovely to just have a great talk about where life took us and how try to stay true to our principles and our ambitions.
- finishing an other book that took me to a world created by a gifted author who can play around with words and create a good story. I just love the power of words and the effect that they can have on my mind.
- watching my son run to first base and feeling so proud of him because baseball brightens up my grey life and that he is having a great time out there on the field makes me a happy and proud mum.
- having dinner with former colleagues and finding out that they still know how Stallie functions and when they saw me trying to locate my car keys came up with:'Some things never change.' Made me LOL. Yes, I miss them and so such moments I consider special.
- my 'boss' S who has given me so many opportunities to show my abilities and wants me to feel part of a team. That she is able to keep up with me and lets me be the person I wish to be makes me feel very content at the end of even a rather exhausting day. Her footsteps at the beginning of the day can make me feel so happy because then I am ready to roll and trying to get together through a day full of surprises. I never feel lonely at work at that is great feeling!
- the lovely appetizer and Halloween inspired drink that our school-cook D came up with in order to get into the mood for the upcoming break. On top of that being granted a coca cola lolypop that made me remember how I felt like when I was kid and given such a treat.
- getting to know the characters of 'Game of Thrones' who will fill up my wet and cold Sunday nights that are heading my way now that Summer came to a total stand still and that the golden yellow and brown leaves are falling of the trees. Oh yes, I already have got my favorites that I am going to watch closely.
- the numerous little comments, pats on the shoulders, hugs, winks I pick up while I am at work. I had so much fun during office hours and teaching sessions. It kept me so focused.
- the ulitmate mindfulness moment that I did this last week experience in my car when I was standing still in a trafic jam but did not mind at all. I had nothing to worry about or fill up my lost time. I had a blank canvas in my mind and it felt so great!
- the good news I found out by emails, letters, tweets or phone calls. You can be sure that I love it when friends and family share the good stuff with me. It can give me an energy boost and perhaps get me to a higher level.
- watching a feel good movie with P on the coach and just feeling relaxed and that the man sitting next me on the sofa was also enjoying himself.
- seeing how my father in law was holding on to a gigantic Winnie the Pooh cuddle while he was playing a game of chess with this grand children. It made me realize that we all deep down need a cuddle and that when he lost we all were laughing out loud.
-admiring the new born M whose mother J was beaming for happiness and
who made me realise that being a mother makes you more fragile but gives your life an extra dimension.
Surely I have got tons of worries and did I pick up many negative vibes this weekend as well. Life out there is not always a ride on the merry go round and I think I already stated this out here. But I am fully aware that if I do not pay attention to small details and enjoy the good times that I do then miss out so much fun and energy.
Perhaps my most meaningful moment of my passed month was when I
passed by a bench where two older people were sitting enjoying the sun in total silence but looking quite content. It was that I
did once more witness that the best things in life are quite simple. In a way I did envy those two people on that bench because they already seemed to have discovered what it does take. It is just a few footsteps away from your doorstep and you might miss out on it if you do not take a few minutes to sit down, just go silent and let life pass by and let it be what it is....
“Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.", George R.R. Martin 'A Game of Thrones'
In case you want to find out where the image came from that I picked out to go along with this entry:
And the title was inspired by this song by a great performer who for once used a different kind of background music to get her message across:
It is October and everywhere you come something will pop it up covering the subject of cancer. There is no hiding of it unless you are on a polar expedition or climbing Mount Everest. So no doubt that most of you out there know someone close or perhaps not that close to you that has been affected by this disease. Okay, there are tons of survivors out there who share their experiences openly. Still there are also people who rather keep to themselves when dealing with this painful experience. For those cancer-patients closure is very important. It is over, it is a wrap, it came to end, it is the past ..... and can you blame them? I for sure can't.
Yes, it is nice that there are so many awareness for something that has got such a destructive force and needs all the support at many frontiers. There never will be enough money to cover ever scientific angle of a cancer cell. It seems to out smarten still many (wo)-men in white jackets. Yes, there are new treatments available that some years ago might have saved many that had to get out the white flag. But still, ...... Cancer is not something static. It is unpredictable and very hard to grasp. The moment it enters your life up, close and personal it changes everything.
Yes, it entered my life in a personal way and it has already affected the way I live my life. I also have become recently fully aware of the stress that it involves. Because it is was for sure not much fun when I faces that impressive breast camera. While I stood in front of it my life did come to total stand still. Stallie had her first breast photo shoot done of the two body parts that I have got a biased relationship with.
Many will perhaps envy me for my cup size but believe me I don't. There are even days that I curse them. There is nothing grant of having twice the bra size of someone else. It is almost as bad as having gigantic feet. Buying underwear I consider hard labour and most of time they don't carry that cute bra that I have seen out there on every bill board in my size. Big breast means also that you are blessed with lots of gland tissue. And where there is gland tissue there is room for other less fun things as well.
I know that I had to get this done in order to take good care of myself but it wasn't a fun ride. That it was my first time made me even more anxious. Luckily was the nursing staff very considering and did they pick up my vibes. I could have kissed the radialogist when she did break that news to me. My body suddenly released almost 4 months of stress. Because that is how long I did walk around with this in my head. People who know me a bit better do know what then goes on in my mind. I then might seem in total control from the outside but there is a war going on in my mind.
The thing is that I don't think there are enough right words to get your point across about cancer. I am surrounded by many who face the monster in a very painful way. I try to be a considerate person when I do find out what they must be going through. But sometimes I just stand there and go totaly silent because sometimes I don't find the most fitting words to express my feelings when I am with them. So yes, next week I will wear my pink ribbon at work and buy some raffle tickets because there is still a lot of work to be done at cancer frontier.
There is then also not a very easy way to write an entry about such a subject. All I can do is feel blessed for every single day that I am granted out there and live my life at its fullets potential. Yes, I do believe in 'Carpe Diem' but the dark shadow lingers around the corner. Like many have already stated it would be nice if we could live in a world without cancer and that it would be basically only a star sign.
One of the better articles that I did read in the last few weeks about this subject is this one:
The song I did pick to go along with this entry is once more by Sting. Fragile we are all! This version did he sing at a moment we all were fully aware of it!
The fourth week of September came to an end and Stallie is very tempted to call it a very early night. At the end of a work week I always sense how my body was pushed to its limits. I did change some things since changing jobs like going to bed a bit earlier then I used to. Not that it always is the guarantee that I will sleep like a rose but it does seem to help me to get the end of a work week in one piece.
Not that the month of September at the previous work spot wasn't hard to deal with. I bet that many teachers out there feel like they are run over by a monster truck. The workload already has reached a certain amount that is hard to express in figures. Guess it is part of the job description. When I signed up for the job I was prepared for what was heading my way but still...
Today two people asked me some crucial questions that I wish to answer out here. Yes, they matter in how I try to be the 'new' teacher/teacher assistant. Because I am fully aware of the fact that there might some people out there who wonder why in the world I wanted that different job challenge instead of the job security that I was granted. Yes, I am fully aware that I had to give up some priveledges in order to be granted access to the international educational world I now live whithin during office hours. A world that I longed for. But I am fully aware of what some people wonder when they question about me wanting to change.
First question that I was asked during happy hour and enjoying a well deserved Kriek:'Isn't it hard not being the teacher anymore?' Well, it might sound a bit surprising to many of you: no!! On paper I am teaching assistant and my job description states the many tasks that involves. In reality I end up doing much more then the paper says. My boss does care about what I think and she tries to get me fully involved when it comes down to teaching the kids. My suggestions and ideas are welcome and I already had some unforgetable fun moments in class! So in a way it is not that hard but I am fully aware that it is sometimes a thin line between being the TA or the teacher once I enter a class room.
Second question someone asked me in an e- mail:are the pupils not a bit too smal for your liking? Well, yes that was something I was wondering myself. After 14 years of dealing with puberty in class rooms I did wonder if I was ready to enter the world of the primary school pupil. But the transition goes a bit smoother then I hoped for. The furniture is smaller and the classroom posters are more colorful but other then that it seems that I adopt easily.
Stallie must be then constantly zen and in 7th heaven, you might think. No, I am not because Stallie is fully aware of how easily she slipps back into old habits or even suddenly faces an old 'monster'. And that happened twice this week in some very crucial spots of my existence.
Once it happened in my car when I drove back home after finding out that I had forgotten my gym bag and was assistant coach netball after school. No way that I was going to do that in office clothes. So I decided to drive back home the moment I got at work and ended up in the disasterous morning traffic. I then went through all the emotions that I so many times dealt with when still was working at my former school. Stallie changed into a voodoo doll and she produced tears. My heart beat went up and I started to sweat. My mind was racing and I knew that the rest of the day I was going to be a lost case. That I would be running behind my own shadow and that many things would go wrong or not according to plan. I even wondered how in the world I ever managed to survive that many rides to and from work in the past at this paste.
The second time it happened on Monday evening while sweat was rolling down my spine and my head looked as red as the color of my ballet leotard. It was only a year ago that I had decided to go back into that ballet studio and trying to move my body along with Mozart and Vivaldi. Last 12 months I had a very nice time rediscovering my ballet past. Monday evening became the evening that when I slipped into my ballet shoes that I did lock out everything and everybody and granted myself a gigantic dance therapy session. It was like homecoming and on top of that did I made some new friends out there in front of the mirror and was suddenly not scared anymore to make some decissions.
But last Monday I was back in that one spot where I have been for 10 long years and it was pitch dark. My mind went totaly blank and my body suddenly refused to move along with the music. Nothing made sense anymore and I felt so out of place that it hurt. My whole body communicated pain. That my ballet teacher seem to know only one name and that I was the lucky one I did not consider a compliment either. Freezing cold I was while the temperature was raising in that room full of mirrors and light.
It is very hard to describe what then goes on in my mind but I suddenly wondered what I was trying to do amongst all these very athletic looking young women who are able to jump very high and make every complex movement look rather simple. Stallie wanted to run out, hide behind the shower curtain in the corner while a warm water would hit her face. I wanted to get out of that space where I have to let go completely and passing myself over to a certain force that makes me rather vulnerable.
My fence was back up and I was so negative that I even started to panic and skipped certain exercises. I even felt intimated by some of the new faces. That I was the only one not wearing black made me even stand out more. Panic and anxiety took over and yes I wanted to ask for a refund. No way that I did belong in that room!
Funny how the brain works and takes you by surprise. Because I had not been prepared for it to happen again. So there I was standing again at that crossroad and was granted the opportunity to make a choice: stay and keep on trying and holding up my head high or leave and storing away those ballet shoes in a box in the attic and banishing dancing forever. I had done it before and slipped already once into a world where dancing had no right of existence. No walz, salsa or twist anymore to make my feet move and letting my body take over from mind.
What made me stay and jumping back into line? Well, perhaps that I made some promises to myself that I want to keep. Dancing is one high up on that list and I then decided to push out Darth Vader and let then my ballet shoes be ballet shoes. Letting the change that I was facing because it seems that it is at ballet school that I have the hardest time dealing with that or is it there that it hits me and I become fully aware of what I am going through for the moment.
Because let us be honest yes I miss my old work spot and the pupils I have been working with. Yes, I miss my familiar classroom and the staff that I did hang out with for so many years. After all I am only human and I do need some time to come to terms with the changes that I made. I then also made an other promise this week while I was spending some time in front of a copy machine and that I had some time to reflect on my past:'I am never going to forget where I came from.' After all that one spot did shape me partly and has taught me some very important facts and not only about teaching. No, also about life in general. Does this come to you as a surprise? Not to me after last Monday.
When I then last Thursday walked into a classroom and saw a certain poster (see the picture here above) I fully understood what message it tried to get across. Because after all dancing in the rain is something that requires a lot of skills and practice. It also involves letting go and trying to look a the pleasant and positive side of something that only seems to have negative effects. For the ones who know Stallie quite well know what rain can do to her. Not a pretty side and yes it does equal what she did look like that Monday night at the barre.
It was then I knew for 200% that dancing in the 'rain' will make me a stronger person even when it means that I might have a hard time. But perhaps a pair of some colorful wellies might cheer up my dancing in the thunderstroms that might be heading my way. If you care to join me then don't hesitate because the dance floor is big enough for two of us. Or any number that is.
PS: I did not go for the classic one but rather for this modern version of dancing in the rain. I did play this song over and over at a certain moment in my life. Madonna also changes frequently and I wonder if you even remember that she did look like this.
Just a very quick one because I pledged myself that I would go to bed rather early and this means before eleven. Still I wanted to give two special persons the airtime they deserve on the day that fictional Bella Swan celebrates her 25th birthday and that my non-fictional lovely sis is celebrating hers . 60 years ago two little children entered the live of many and this by the means of illustrations and a rather straight forward but oh so recognisable story line: Jip en Janneke.
Yes, I know them because my grandmother bought me once a book in a Dutch department store and my son knows them as well because I ended up buying him the same book. Those two icons hang out now in many more places then just books. Stickers, stamps, t-shirts, memory, candy, lunchboxes, shampoo and even lemonade. Just name it and you will find it with them on it. They have reached now the age of retirement but it seems that they still seem to be able to fascinate many. Including the generation of who is told that they prefer digital toys and fast games above books.
Today I saw the force of 'Jip&Janneke' in front of me and I was amazed. They still can go the distance. Because let us be honest that you can silence 20 eleven year old ones is something extra ordinary. So even in teaching Dutch to some demanding young students it seems that the classics still have a lot to tell. Thank you Annie M.G. Schmidt for those amazing adventures you wrote for these two and also a gigantic round of applause for Fiep Westendorp who came up with the design of these never going out of fashion story telling icons. And where are the 'stroopwafels' to celebrate this special day?
Okay, I got through my first week at the 'new office'. Yes, because I have never ever mentioned the places where I work by name and I don't have intention to change this now. But it is a very nice kind of exotic spot to have my office at. But being a newbie at such a place is sometimes hard work.
This week was quite intense and also there were a few moments that I did wonder if this was just week 1 or that we perhaps already had got to week 15! Being a newbie means that the first week seems to last an eterinity or at least that what the sensation is. Now being sunny Saturday I feel for sure what I have been through this week. My body tells me that it is exhausted. Not that I did not expected that to happen. Because going back to work after 2 months of summer is like detox in a way. Painful and rather hard! Just this year it was just a bit harder.
I do feel at home where I am now and I already had some very nice moments with pupils.
I am still the same Stallie if it comes down to finding my way around and I did stumble almost over a chair just the moment before going on to stage during general assembly. Everybody has seen me you can be sure about that. Then there is my accent that for sure gives me away. It also confuses a few people. 'You are not Belgian. You are Dutch.' 'No, I am Belgian but I was born close to the border with the Netherlands so that is what you might pick up. I am a border-child so to speak!'
So right now I am in the middle of the process of deleting info that I needed daily in my previous job and replacing it by new data. This causes me headaches and when I get home it even feels like I got hit by truck. Just very little things like:
-where is the closest toilet you can run to when you need to go
-what paper do I need to fill out when I am in need of paperclips
-where do I find a list of all the new pupils with pictures because I need to remember all the names of upper Primary in a record time.
-what to wear now that denim jeans is something that I need to ignore and need to follow a more businesslike dress code.
- swapping languages constantly and not trying to mix up words when you speak or teach.
-how to put my lunchmoney on my ID-badge in order to obtain food in the school cafetaria.
-what button to push of a copy machine after being 14 years not been allowed close to one.
-what the meaning is of many abreviations or words are.
-who is who and still mixing up names or not even being able to remember the most of those by lunch time.
-trying to remember where I have left one of my personal belongings after being all over campus. I seriously thinking about labelling all my personal things just like my pupils.
- keeping up with S, who is a linguestic miracle with her knowledge of 7 languages and impresses me daily with her teaching style. She is one of a kind person and I love her already to bits for the energy and the inspiration that is pouring out of her.
-getting used to working on a qwerty-keyboard between office hours. I am very sorry in case that you get a message of me with many spelling mistakes but chances are then that I then am mixing up keyboards.
-getting to be used being called by my first name by all people at work, including the pupils I work with.
-singing and dancing being part of your lesson plan and trying to take yourself serious.
-etc
I guess you are getting the picture here and that I need some time to get my head around these things and that the list first will be come first even longer before I can tick off a few of them. But I guess I better the devil I know because they are all essential in order to get through a normal day at the office. The singing and the dancing I do for the moment consider the hardest! Not kidding!
The first of September is a fact and that means the end of Summer and back to school. Many of us will be confrontated one way or the other with that. A did get his new school essentials and he is already getting back used to getting up at an early hour because I already am back at school or rather back at work! He even parked his newest red bookbag next to his bed what makes me very happy as a mum. I consider him ready to go back and what about me am I ready to go back?
Well, I wanted something to change in my professional life! And since this week I did embark on a totaly new adventure of that part of my existence. Okay, I had tow months to get used to the idea of leaving one place and boxing all my stuff and draging it to my car and then moving into a new more international flavored educational environment. Easy pie but it was only after handing over my work keys and staring at the rather confrontating words:'Deactivated Account' that it hit me right between the eyes. When I did drive home that night in the sun and got home I did have an emotional meltdown and that lasted till I walked into my new workplace.
Yes, I am anxious and also slightly a bit less confident as I use to be at this time of the year. Because after 14 years in the same place becoming a newbie is a bit terrifying. Lots of the data that you have been saving on your harddrive you are forced to delete in order to make space for new more essential life saving data. Lots of my daily vocab will be now completely different and yes it involves also speaking an other language at a daily basis. Something I do look forward imensely.
The last few days I got the grand introduction and I must say that my first impressions are overall more then just positive. I did already pick up so much energy at that spot that it is mind blowing. It feels like I am swimming at the deep end of the Aquatic Center at the London Olympics. Yes, I did cheer for Team GB because from now on I am going to spend quite some time with this nationality but not only them but I will find the globe in my classroom so to speak.
Yes, the new data input creates also some tension insside my head and some chaos. Stallie also already managed to make tiny little mistakes like forgetting where the the m is on an qwerty-bord, forgot her rain coat in the cafeteria, walked into a door because she just did not know what way it was opening. Obviously not the way I assumed! Being the newbie can be painful in many ways so to speak! But I am having a lovely time out there.
Of course will I miss the next few weeks my colleagues and former pupils even a bit more because they have been part of my life for over a decade. That is not something that you just erase by hitting the delete button. It is sometimes now at the most insane and awkward moments that I will have flashbacks.
Stallie already met her new colleagues and yes she is quite busy processing all the data, number, facts, graphics, words, Powerpoint- presentations, routes etc In a way am I stretching one of my elastic bands that my brain contains. The brain oh what a wonderful thing because after all that is something that we teachers rely on big time! Just how much are you aware of how it works because since the last few days and especially today I did find out that it so much more fascinating that I was told during a biology class. It affects a lot of how we learn things. Making mistakes is part of learning new things and so I am prepared to walk into a few more doors in the next few weeks. But I am looking forward to the 3rd of September a bit more then my son this year.
As an extra I wish to share you some of the new insights that I gained during my first CPD at the new workplace. Joan Deak is for sure a very entertaining person to have over during a day that you as an educational professional are forced to sit on hard chair and listen for hours to someone else do all the talking. Because after she stopps you almost go down on your knees to keep on going for an other day. Of course I could leave the gym without a copy of the lovely children's book she published and am very sure that the others are also very well worth to read if you want to find out more about how the brain works.
So good luck all of you who will be going back into schools. I will miss the old spot for sure the next few days a bit more but I guess that I will be creating tons of new memories in the weeks to come. It was a fun Summer but this TA is ready to give her very best and to teach some kids something new. But I am sure that I will also pick up more then one new thing a day from my pupils.
And yes Joan Deak did point more then once that what is said in this wonderful poster by one of my favorite American artist Mary Engelbreit are for sure true. Most of us ended up being influenced in the choices we made by a teacher. I am grateful to some very inspirational ones and for sure when I tomorrow will drive to my new teaching spot because there are a few ones who kept on telling me to never give up and keep on trying. Guess that they were right after all! ;-)
In case you wish to find out more about Joan Deak you can find out more here:
