Live To Tell

So I am back home after 8 days filled up with snow fun.  Stallie mastered once again to stay upright on skis and this time swooshed down mountains while the sun was creating rays of sun light that reflected in her snow googles and did remind her of diamonds.  The wind made a few of strains of her hear go up and down and the mountain air forced me take very deep breaths.  That she one day got lost and ended up on a piste that was so deserted and all that she could hear was my own heart beat and some lost birds was also unforgetable.  It was on that piste that Stallie once again came to my senses.  Mission accomplished!

But coming home is a total different ball game! Since last Tuesday my country is different.   That I found out about the terror attacks by reading a tweet while heading for the gondola that was taking me up in the sky where the snow and fun awaited me was rather surreal.  Still, I will never forget where I was that one day that IS decided that Brussels got hit right in the middle of the heart.   It is one of these moments that will be scratched forever into my brain. It is reality now and that means that my brain needs to deal with something that is very hard to give the space it deserves without paralyzing me. 

In the mountains where I do have the best overview and where my mind gets rid of all the information that was a bit eassier than when I woul have been locked in between four walls of my house but still...  It is out there on a top of mountain that I dare to scream out that I am so pathetic and that I have not a single excuse to try harder.  The moment that I am about to give up and I am so tired it is like the my mind screams out:'Oh no, not today... You have done this before and so the only way is down and upright...we are not going to fall down now... there is a way to find in order to get down in one piece... so of you go... '.  At the end of the day I feel very tired but my body and mind tell me that we are in balance.  I sleep twice as good in the mountains than at home.

But I don't live there and home is Belgium where there are only hills.  So I need to be able to function in total different circumstances.  Now, I have more than once expressed what I do feel for my country and also for my capital.  Yes, I am fully aware that it is not perfect and that politicaly it has a lot of explaining to do.  There is not a single excuse that I can come up with.... And that is also not what I am after.  Since 9/11 I am very aware that I need to cherish what I have.   After Paris I was kind of holding my breath and wondered when 'we' would be next.  Nope, I don't think that there is a secret potion out there to prevent this.  I might be to fatalistic and as much I love my life I am rather down to earth when it comes down to counter terrorism and terror in general.  I preach 'carpe diem' very fiercly and I do cuddle more an more the ones that I desperatedly hold on to.  Also I do miss many who I wish that life treats them all and their family kindly.

 The thing is that I since Tuesday might be the most silent one when people start talking about what happened. Nope, I did not create millions of tweets with updates about my nation.  Oh yes, I read the news report in my hotel room and tried to get my head around what had happened. After all I do use that airport and when I go into Brussels I do pass by Maelbeek Station.   This metro stop stands out because of the lights and the art work by Benoït Van Innis painted on portuguese white Azulejo tiles.   I have always liked that stop due to the fact that it kind of brought light after the darkness.

Suddenly I became very aware that not being home at such a moment does make a difference.  I did call P a few times.  Oh yes, he was very down to earth and he did travel into Brussels that day to get to work.  He now admits that he does not like to talk about what happened that day.  He tried to describe me in what state of mind Brussels was.  His hospital did admit about 20 victims and that process he did decribe as going very smoothly and with a lot of discretion.  A sign that whatever procedure is in place for such distasters does work.    He is very aware of the consequences for some of the people who got very severly wounded in this disaster and their lives will never ever be the same again. And numerous families will have to deal with sorrow, pain, grief and in some cases a traumitized person.

Oh yes, my nation has been critized over and over again how it is dealing with this terror.  Some nations even will describe us as a 'failed' state.  I do not wish to go into that for the moment.  It is always very easy to point the finger at others. It happened and now trying to figure out who we could have prevented this is kind of too late.  One fact is undeniable: there is a lot of work to be done.  The politicians voted into office need to be looking ahead and trying plan for the future ahead.   It won't be easy and nobody is perfect.  I do not believe in miracles and unfortunately there will always be the human beings who think that the only way is out violence.  History repeats itself constantly but history also hopes that we learn from it.

I just hope that the people who have got the power to change things take up their responsibility.  Ladies and gentlemen who are voted into office I still grant you the benefit of the doubt.  I still believe that most of you care and deep down wish to do it differently.  The thing is you all are running out of time. In case you wonder what I am trying to do in order to make it work: I educate humans,  I try to be openminded and listen to what their concerns, wishes, frustrations, hopes and dreams are, I try to let them reflect in a safe classroom where I promise them over and over that they will not be judged by the color of their skin, their religion or their looks or what football team they cheer for or what perfume they like.  I try to educate the next generation who needs very clear signals that they are taken serious and that their efforts will pay off if they put in all the positive energy in order to get there.  There is no guarantuee that I will succeed every time.  It takes two to tango (yes, Obama knows this!) and there is no time to waste anymore.  I take my profession very seriously and I do have serious expections about politicians in general.  Is that too much asked? I don't think so.  Afer all this is about so much more than just trying to make sure that next elections your votes are guaranteed and you can stay in office.    Don't we all wish live to tell... So what are you waiting for?

Do not expect me to have long conversations when you land next to me or that I will openly express what I do think about all of this.  It is too complicated and I doubt that I do make sense.  So when these three articles you can find here below showed up in the press I suddenly felt not alone anymore.  Deep down I do grief as much for these humans who got killed in Iraq, Pakistan, Syria or Turkey.  To me violence is never the right response.  But in case you will ask me I will express my love for my country and my capital out loud.   I have read a great deal of opinions the last few days and only a few reflect what I kind of think.  So in case you wonder:

https://decorrespondent.nl/4232/Brussels-teaches-us-everything-about-terrorism-has-been-said-except-what-almost-everyone-thinks/108466160-52e6e2db

https://dimitriverbelen.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/je-suis-yossarian/

http://www.demorgen.be/binnenland/-aanslag-lopen-hoorde-ik-uitgerekend-op-zaventem-b43720f2/

Over & Over Again

There is something about me that I not very good at hiding. It is something that I am trying to cope with for as long as I am already alive and kicking.  My parents have tried for years to coach me on that part and when studying abroad others have tried to team up and tame the beast inside of me.  Believe me many have pumped wise advice into this girl but more and more I think I am rather immune to it.  Okay, that I have got a dark side I can live with and most of the time I do manage to stay away from it.  But there are those moments that it just does take over.  

Now I had hoped that by getting older that I would get better at mastering these strong emotions that make me end in a kind of emotional roalercoaster.   Well, was I wrong and it even seems that it will even get even worse.  Not that you will catch me in putting on a Kylo Ren costume and fighting Han Solo.  It is not like that.  It goes beyong light sabers and the Jedi knights code.  It is about me not being totaly in control of something that can mess up my mental make-up.  I even stay away from my mascarra and compact powder when I am in such state.  It is like I have come to terms that it is no advance to hide what I feel like.  It is something anyone will be able to see and hear.

So what is it that then takes me over and all the other skills I master sends of to an exotic island for a long deserved vacation?  Well it is the feeling of injustice is that for the moment so much has taken me hostage.  No, I can't seem to let go and do not get me wrong it is not that I do not try to understand who and what causes this.  I am very aware that it is vital for me to fight back against this energy consuming feeling.  I have seen what it can cause and nope I have no intention to let it have a ball at my expenses.  No way!  That zen and mindfullness seem not to kick in that as fast as they normally do is no surprise.  But still.... At the end of the day I am the only one in charge of my brain if I at least give may around me the benefit of the doubt.  Well, ladies and gentleman the world around me is realy testing me at this stage....

The negative force seems to have taken over of my happy bunny mode.  One that I know long for.  Easter is only a few weeks away and I am longing of chocolate eggs, daffodils, tiny little chicks and lambs who jump around in green pastures and more of these Easter ingredients that create smiles and positive vibes.  Okay, it is lent at the moment and I have banished chocolate out of my life.  With the only exception of Nutella.  But the level of 'real' chocolate inside that guilty pleasure contains is up for the discussion amongst real chocolate lovers.

I am fully aware that I should be counting my blessings and that there are so many others who have more real reasons to complain.  That I feel hurt inside of my core of my existence is rather very personal.  It makes me not that such fun to hang out with.  Sarcasm then takes over. In case you end up close to me at such moments you will notice.  My remarks will not even makes sense and might even surprise you.  Oh I am fully aware of how negative I can be and how I can walk around.  My face is the reflection of the tempest of the century and I seem not to be connected.   Stallie in a very pensive mood at one moment and a few moments I could slam the door right in your face or start to produce tears of anger.   If you then ask me if I am okay be prepared that my answer will not always be straight forward.

That I can not fully explain to you what is going on is due to many reasons.  It is complicated and because I don't think it is very wise to make radical decission while being in the phase of rage I prefer this state of mind.  It is not pleasant and I am so aware of it.   I might be good at acting and at this moment I feel like I am up for an Oscar worhty preformance.  After all I am very cautious about not letting my state of mind interfer with my teaching.  In a way it is even an katalyst.  Oh yes, Stallie has found out in the last 5 years that all she wants to do is teach. I am not going anywhere.  But I do need an international environment in order to function at full speed.  It is where I bloom, where I can feel at home and constantly challenged..

So this lady needs a room filled up with young people to function.  More than ever I am fully convinced that a desk job is not my cup of tea.  As much as I detest the paper work and some other challenges who make my job less straight forward I still know that I want to be inside of a school during working hours.  Yes, I do love my job and it can lift up my spirits.  The # I love my job is so sincere when I use it that when I make a mistake or have failed to deliver that I feel so guilty.

Okay, that my educational hotspot is a very challenging working environment I am fully at ease with. The day I did send in my CV I had already figured that one out.  Lots of jobs are not a walk through the parc anymore and working with living being is very unpredictable.  There are is no guarantee that you  will never walk into something that will make lesson end up being a nightmare.  At this stage of my life I am finding out that sometimes you need to be patient and that letting go is vital.

Well that is something that I suck at.  Not that I not try but it is like that I for the moment I have to go through the different stages of grief.  When looking at the model that Kubler & Ross came up with that at this stage I am hanging out some days in the yellow zone at other days in the orange one. I have so much anger inside of me and it is like it has been bottled up for years.  Oh yes, I know that most of the attempts to find a way out are in vain.   The thing is that I first have to go through all these stages before I can benefit from the last two stages.  I just can not wait for these to arrive.

But for now it seems that I am not there yet and so all I can say it that I am so sorry if you meet up with Kylo Ren and long for the Han Solo.  All I can promise that I am working very hard to speed up te process and trying to find some short cuts... just bear with me that my patience won't be put that much at the test.  Fingers crossed and fortunately it Easter quite soon...

Life is a box of chocolates!

It is the day before Valentine's Day and you might now think that I will start to moan about red roses, heart shaped boxes filled up with chocolates, champagne bottles with red bows and cheesy Hallmark cards but no worries... Nope, I today decided that I do wish to point out something that I do care tremendously about.   There are all those times that I already have pointed out that I feel very grateful for what I have and that I feel blessed.   It sounds very cheesy and it said by so many. Over the years I have been reminded by many and oh boy, did I sometimes think they kind of used this tagline to make me stop procasteninating. The grass will always be greener at the other side and there will always be people around you who will be able to rain on your parade or make you think that life is unfair.   Nowdays many try to jump on my merry go round and take my brain hostage and plant seeds in there that can so much turn my happy mood arond.  Fear and pessemism are all around and those I do get offered for free and in abundance.

A few years ago my mother had told me that she still had some war correspondance of my grandparents. I was very eager to read those letters but like many people that have experienced the war up, close and personal my grandmother had not been sharing many of her stories with us.   She would rather spoonfeed us with stories and it was rather hard to put the puzzle together.  It did not seem to matter to her and to my mothers family. Likewise on my father's side but we knew that the war had been raging through their lives and had created scars.  Deep ones.   It did seem rather that my family prefered not make the war stand out in their past and surely in ther present.  Hey, you only live once and you better make the best of it most of my family members were communicating by their deeds and thaughts. 

When the educational hotspot where I work started their remembrance celebrations I suddenly was also confrontated with the war stories of my family.   Let us be honest that people around me were able to share those very intense and also painful memories with me by the exhibition of letters written in war time made me long for reading the correspondonce that my grandparents had exchanged during that time.  So I called my mother and asked her politey if she would grand me the opportunity to read them.  She then broke the news to me that she had no clue where these letters where. Oh yes, I was dissapointed because so far I only knew my grandfather from pictures and the few stories that my mother had shared with me.  But hey, it was nothing vital and so I had to let go....

So when my mother yesterday placed a large brown paper bag in front of me I did hold my breath.  'While declutering I also came across these.'  I sat there and suddenly I felt a bit out of place.  Mother had written on that there :'war correspondance between mum and dad'.  I let me hand sink in the bag and the first thing that I noticed was the amount of paper I felt.  'Jezus, this is not just a few letters. This is almost a book.', was my reaction.   Taking out half of the amount of paper I randomly opened one.   On the front of the envelop there was that so well known stamp that told you that Big Brother had been reading along.  This already made me wonder if they both ever had been able to express their real frustration, pain, sadness while being apart... but you I just could not wait to start reading.

What happened during the first lines I got to read I just can not find the exact words for.  It was like I was opening a door that had remained closed for decades. The paper was ofcourse already colored yellow and my mother had warned that some letters might not be readable anymore.   So every single word I was able to read and digest felt like gift.   Ten lines further down the paper something became very clear, life fog suddenly vanished.  

'Mum, you never told us that your dad was gone from home for over 4 years.'  This meant that he had already been imprisoned by the beginning of the war.  I got goosebumps when my grandmother in that same letter broke the news to  my grandfather that his second daughter was born.  She told him that they all were doing fine and that she had received helpt from her mother in law.  Her tone was rather neurtral but if you did read between the lines she foremost tried to sound positive.   Something inside of me got warm and cold at the same time.   'So auntie M was four years old when she for the very first time met her own dad?'  That moment must have been so intense.  There are now snapshots of that homecoming.   My mother has got no recollection of that time because she was born after the war.   

That my grandmother who had been living with us in the last years I still consider a blessing.  I have mentioned in previous blog post what a strong woman I considered her.  I am not going to go back into that.  But after yesterday I so much more became aware that my family history is so much more than meets the eye.   That my grandparents at both sides and most fo my aunts and uncles faced wartime does make them have different conception of happiness.  They master(ed) the art of living that I do think is in a way a life surviving skill and can make the difference in anyone's life.  No expectations and no conditions attached.  Just free fall and the deepgoing trust in a very deep force that can prevail if we try hard and long enought and work very hard.  Foremost never ever give up!

No, I don't think that I will ever fully grasp my family background and many stories will be left untold.  These letters surely are a very nice extra to spice up my own life.  Still, I know so much understand that many of the things I moan or complain about are for sure first world problems.  Yes, the world has become a more complex spot to hang out at but the power of love and hope still prevails.  It is surely something that has been passed on in my family on both sides.

I wish I could let you read along while I am going to dive into these letters but I am not. After all it is my family.  Each has their own story to tell. There are now more than ever the moments that I would have known more then what I know now but that is what life is all about.  Last night while driving back to our house A suddenly said:'I wished I would have known granddad!' Yeah that made me swallow and in a way my heart almost broke.  When I asked why he told me that he thaught that granddad looked like someone very nice.  I could not disagree but ofcourse he is not aware of the whole story.  'Oh I know..... but you know what I also have never known my grandfather and I also wished I had been able to.  Still in many things I do still get to know him.  Do you understand?'  My son did not respond and in a way that was the best answer that a boy close to turning 12 can give his middle aged mother who for a second does not find the right words. 

So on the day before Valentine's day I wish to express my gratitude and love for my family.  People that I will never get to know fully and not always will understand.  The only thing that I know for sure is that I am blessed and that their unconditional love comes in different shapes and forms.   Love is all around and that I surely seem to forget that once in while.   So have yourself a lovely Valentine's Day in what ever shape or form you are going to come across it. It might be already standing next to you or just being one phonecall away or it might already have passed on but have left something behind for you that is much more than a box filled up with chocolates.  But then there was a certain movie character that once said:'My mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're going to get.'   So enjoy your box of chocolates and hold it close to your heart to cherish.  One day it might turn out to be your life line.

PS: I did pick out a very cheesy song to go along with this one but I have two very good reasons.  This a cover by Dana Winner who in my honest opinion her voice is a real gem and thanks to program called 'Liefe voor muziek' has kind of made a comeback.  The original in German I can also sing along and the message is timesless.    And the second one is surely an even more cheesy one but on my way home this was on the radio and I do wonder what my grandmother and grandfather must have felt like at the time...

Christmas Confession

Okay time for a confession.  Oh yes, I am a bit like all those programs and magazines that are diving into the last twelve months and give away their overview.  Well, Stallie took a close look at her last few months and all she can say that she had not her best time ever.  It has been tough and more than once I was about to give up.  That the darkness lingered around longer in the morning did not help either to chase away the turmoil but still... Nope, my last trimester as a teacher has been quite challenging and I am not sure that I wish to sign up for a continuation of such a time.

Yes, I knew that it was going to get tough and that some of my classes were not that easy to tackle.  But I had forgotten how gloomey and dark it can get when I am in such situations.   I knew half way through September that I needed more time to get my work done.   That was to foresee and even part of my job description.   The hours of a teachers are not set in stone and I always take my work home.  The moment that I leave the educational hotspot my mind is still spinning around.  Yes, I can be walking around in a supermarket and forget half of my mental grocery list due to the fact that I am thinking of colourful work sheets.  It is like I am walking in a dense fog and my brain just does not even disconnect when I am reading something that id educational related.

For the last three months I have basically invested so much time in my job that I kind of have forgotten about everything I consider worthwhile and need in order to function normal.  My life got to the point that I even was checking mails on Friday evening, the one moment when I used to have this golden rule that after Happy Hour I would not do anything work related till Sunday after my very lengthy brunch with freshly baked croissants and a few George Clooney coffees.   There used to be this golden routine that I managed to tackle most of my work in a record time and then I used to find some time to have some golden ME-time.  It were those precious hours that seem to produce the oxygen and energy that helped me to get through my long week and fueled my creativity.

Well, all that ME-time got exchanged for time to plan and trying to stay ahead of everything.  So that this came with some serious consequences.  Oh yes, I have been neglecting my friends and even my family.  Nope, it is actualy not okay to come to terms with the fact that the people you care about and love seem to be forgotten because you are not that good at time management.  The thing is that I felt that I had no choice.  It is me who is most of time in the way of sacrificing some time that I normally spend on my job and ironing blue shirts.  Nobody else.  That I love my job is quite natural and I also need my job to stay on top of many things and to feel connected with the world in general but there are limits.

This week I did admit to a former colleague and close friend (I hope that she is stil one of my close friends because I bet that she is one of the many people who has been affected by my behaviour) that I was not happy how my social life was coming along.  While sitting there in Marks&Spencer in my capital surrounded by lovely dressed up Christmas trees  and many carols ( sung by pop stars who suddenly feel the urge to express their festive mood) in the background I did for the first time said outloud what I did feel like.   It even felt like relief that I was able to tell this her because I am 100% sure that she is one of the people who I have been 'neglecting'.

I am not good at letting go and also finding a balance between work-friends-family I don't seem to get the hang of.   Secretely I had hoped that my age would have helped me out on that frontier. But sadly enough it does not.    It was during reading 'Big Magic' of Elizabeth Gilbert and a very deep going heart to heart with someone who recognized the signs that I so desperatedly have tried to hide for many that I did knew that I am the only one who has got the power to change this situation.

Yes, I love my job including all the s*** it comes along with.   The thing is that now I need to get out of the Ferrari and get back into the Alfa Romeo and get used to just cruising over the high ways.  But then at least noticing the view and now and then take a break for a needed overhaul.  That many might overtake me and will be driving a faster car is something that I will need to come to terms with.   It is not easy to admit that I have the last few months not being totally honest with myself.  Yes, I did think that I had tamed the beast and had it under control. No, I don't and that is the honest truth.

While picking out my christmas present last Monday (one that I had been longing for since a very loooooong time) I made a new promise that will be very challenging to keep but is actually essential to keep me sane and to make sure that I can keep breathing.   It still involves in believing in what Enzo Ferrari preached so strongly:'You can not describe passion, you can only live it.'   But hey, you are not telling me that Enzo not once in while got out of his car and enjoyed the scenery while filling up a glass with prosecco while eating a piece of pizza in the company of family and friends.

So my dear friends and readers (where ever you are from and whoever you are) I wish you a very nice Holiday season and also the best wishes for 2016.  And I hope that you can forgive me for not having been around that much in the last 12 months.  All I can promise that I am very willingly to exchange my Ferrari for an Alfa Spider!  We all know the reputation of that type of car but I am pretty sure that this is the type of car that matches my personality so much better than the race car I crashed a few times.   In the end we are all equal when it comes down to time.

And now please excuse me for the remaining days of 2016 I am going to hang out with my family and friends and hope that they can forgive me for not having kept my eye on the road that realy matters.   Looking very much forward to meeting up with many I might have speeding by in 2015!  In 2016,while I am racing, I am planning to keep the words by Henry Ford close to my heart:'When I see an Alfa Romeo go by, I tip my head.'


 PS: No swooning or cheesy Christmas songs to go along with this entry. Instead two songs that ended up in my personal Top 5 of the last 12 months. One is so much linked to my job and one particular person and the other is a great song made in Belgium by someone with lots of girl power.

The Force (re-)Awakens

Yip, I am still here... I am more alive than ever.... Believe me Stallie is all over the place and she wishes that a day would count many more hours than it does in the present state.  I hardly have time to breathe and the moments I do it seems that so many stakeholders have decided to take hostage of me.  Sorry to all those that have been affected by it but I do not have one single excuse because the ones I will use sound so cliché.  Sadly have current events not made my life any eassier.   Nope!  Plus I am very aware that some of them will even affect my life in a very profound way.

Oh yes, I am talking about the Brussels here and what is going on in my nation and beyond. Stallie has only been there about a week ago.  Right after Paris.  I had decided to let fear NOT change my mind.   Like that one journalist so bravely wrote an open letter to the terrorist that had killed his wife in the Paris attacks that they would not get his hate.  That is so me for the moment. And I am trying very hard. It is like I am Anakin Skywalker but refuse to go over to the Dark Side.   For those who know the Star Wars saga you know exactly when our 'cross over'-protoganist decided that he did decide what side he would love to hang out permanently.  Yes, right after he had lost what he loved the most.   It is then that we suddenly feel triggered and make very emotional decissions. What is totaly understandable.

Every time I see Darth Vader popping up  I do visit my dark spots in my mind. They are there and I do come across so many things that I wish to change in a split second. I do produce so many internal curses that if I would be on public television I would be constantly beeped out.   What about staying zen or practising mindfullness, Stallie?  You have told others so many times that you believe so strongely in those things or did those suddenly went into hiding?

Well, let me put this way for the moment I am a bit ashamed to be who I am. The international press is all over us.  I am Belgian... I am born here and I have been raised by parents who are Belgians. My dad was born a few years before the second world war and my mother her dad was a Belgian soldier who became a POW.  He managed to escape and fled to Paris where he did go into hiding.  My mum told me recently that one night he suddenly managed to get back home and that my grandmother knew that the German soldiers would come back to look for him.  He was on the run and letting him  in must have been so hard for her.   Yes, they came and then he did appearently told the German soldiers:''Just take me back in but it won't be long before you will be defeated.'   A few days later the allied forces landed in Normandy and the rest is history.

My grandmother has never told me this story herself.  I also never knew my grandfather because he died of a heart attack shortly after turning 60.   I only know him from pictures and most of those show him in uniform.   He looks a very handsome man and surely someone with style&pride.  After the war my grandparents moved to Germany for over 20 years where my granddad was stationed.   The childhood memories of my mother of that time are over all very positive.

That I now speak rather fluent German is a side effect of that unconditional love. I have never heard any of family member use foul language about Germany. Never ever has my grandmother openly expressed her hate about this nation.  Once a year she even begged one of her daughters to take her to Germany to visit all these places where she and her family had created such nice memories.  The war stories seemed to be not important.  She did seem to keep those for a place that we were not allowed in.  I have never pushed her to tell me what she must have felt like when suddenly her husband was taken prisoner and she had to take care of her family on her own.  It is not that I not dared but it rather seemed that there was never the need to ask her.

Right now I am longing to talk with her and ask her how she managed her state of mind.  How she did stay so strong? How she made sure that at the end of they day she still was able to keep on going and let hope win from fear and hate.  The thing is that I am sure that she might not even tell. There is something that tells me that the answer was in her overall state.   Undoubtedly there are major differences about what is going on now and then.  But still the similarities are there...

It is hard, it is challenging.  There is only one thing that keeps me going and that is the belief that she has managed and that I have not got a single excuse not be as strong as she and many of my family have been during that time.  Yes, there are those moments that I feel very weak and that I wonder if I will ever find back that spark that I know is deep down inside of me. For the moment I just try to find back my balance.   Yes, I am lost but the force is re-awakening!  Han Solo is about to return and say:'Chewie, we are home!'

Educational Sacrifice

Oh yeah, it is October and I did look forward to this month... It is the month that in my head the Summer is brushed out of my mind and I rather start longing for winter coats and Christmas trees.  And I also am expected to be used again to be full time a teacher..... Well, nope that last bit seems to be post poned.  Why?  Well, let us call it a bit of a time management issue.   This year it seems that even trying to come up with a to do-list is not a good idea.  The list I had lying on my office desk is now still there and only has become longer.  Prioritize then, Stallie.   Get the important things out of the way first and concentrate on what matters most.  Lean in and do not let panic become your advisor.   Trust me, I am trying but this school year everything seems to be priority.  Or at least that is the perception that I am given.

So Stallie is still alive but barely.  She has already had a few moments that she head banged in her office and in class.   Very frustrating once if you are a perfectionist when it comes down to teaching and only want the best for each of the students you have under your educational wings.  Plus I try to keep everybody happy in that educational hotspot I work at.  Now this week I did calm down and this due to perception that I am not alone.  Nope, I am not.  It is just that we not always communicate that easily about things that do not go smoothly or when you just ran out of time.  The teachers lounge is also for the moment not the best time to hang out at because I seem to be surrounded by many kindred souls who seem to searching for time.  Time that is not there and we have seemed to ran out of. 

It even got that bad this school year that I had to make the very hard and painful decission to quit ballet lessons.  Yes, due to work and the planning that comes along with my job description.  I sat there in my car driving home reflecting about my job and the time I need in order to get it done.  'I need extra time to get this all planned and make it work for everyone involved in this process.  So where can I get that extra time?' And right before I got home it seemed that the only time that I could think of was the time that I normally reserve for my ballet classes on Tuesdays.  My mind was yelling at me:'DON'T DO THIS.  YOU NEED TO GO TO BALLET.  IT KEEPS YOU SANE AND BALANCED.  IT MAKES YOU EVEN A BETTER TEACHER!' 

Oh believe, I am fully aware of that.  I need the ballet studio and that ballet teacher that pushes me that inch further and makes me produce sweat.  The adrenaline that rushes through my veins after 85 minutes of hard work at the barre and beyond has the last 3 years certainly made me stronger in many ways.  I could work on Saturdays but that is the one day that I not open my professional mailbox and try to give my brain some time to breath and even manage to put things in a better perspective.  Sunday is already half reserved for work. So..... there it is.  Ballet classes have been sacrificed for something I care very deeply about.   But I have made the promise that it will only be for this year. Please be kind and remind me of this promise in case I have forgotten this when August shows up on on the calendar.

P is not happy about it but I did tell him that I am not happy either.  It is hard and this school year will be very hard. It already is.   The thing is that my job makes me very happy.  The longer I am a teacher the more I am certain that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.   Yes, I sometimes seem to need more time than others to get some things done. Plus I am not easy to please with ready to copy work sheets.  Plus that I do sometimes also expect my coworkers to share the same work ethics as me when it comes down to teaching.  Now, don't get me wrong... I have over all been blessed on that part.  In all the years I have been teaching and worked with many gifted people.  Oh yes, in the world of education there are rather some 'rare exemplaren' but those are in most cases also the ones that you might have come across when you were a student yourself and did think of:'WOW, I like this teacher a lot.  He/she is not like all the rest.  He/she makes learning so much more fun and worth while to put my energy and time in.'

That I now this school year have made come to terms with this I also need now to calm down.  Oh dear, Stallie is not mastering that skill.   But you know what the last 6 weeks I have been saved by my students and some of the parents and coworkes and also P&A and even strangers.   It have been precious moments in the class room and some amazing moments that my students shared with me.  Moments that make me realize why I am doing this in this first place.  That I am given the priviledge to enter that room and being granted access to their mind I still consider so worthwhile.  This week I sat there thinking more than once this is why I have made that once sacrifice.  This is why I need that extra time... It is worth it... for now it is...'

 

Reflections of Love

I remember very vividly the day that I went to see 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'!  It was a sunny and warm day in the city of Louvain and I was in my first year at the university.  That day I met up with Hugh Grant and Kirstin Scot Thompson and did the music of my Barry White and the poems of W.H. Auden got a deeper dimension.  The movie is now considered a classic by many and the soundtrack I did play over and over again at the time.   Why did become such a success? Well, that is perhaps due to the fact that we all attend once in a while a wedding or a funeral.

Weddings are surely more fun than a funeral.  But both they have something in common: they bring people together.  The last few years I ended up at very intense weddings and funerals.  People that I carry close to my heart have tied the knot or I had to say goodbye to some individuals that surely have made a big impact on my life.

The thing with weddings and funeral is also that there is always some drama or there is this moment that you do wonder if you did come up with the right words to say.   There are so many times that you assume that your natural flair will be enough to get through a wedding and funeral services but believe me I myself have screwed up a numerous times.  I have been head banging in rest rooms at wedding receptions because I mixed up names of the parents of the happy couple.  Or I did dare to mention a former boyfriend in the presence of the groom.  So not done but it did happen. And more than just once.

And because I end up going to receptions on my own I do end up sometimes standing all by myself in the corner of venues wonderin observing many people and wonder what connects me with them.   At a funeral there is then always that moment that I just get caught up by the grief of others and end up crying in the car while I am playing the music by Craig Armstrong.  It is so me and I do wonder why I never stick to the straight forward rules that my mother taught me about weddings and funerals. But then I can assure you that I am 100% myself at these moments!

The thing is that I also found out that weddings and funerals can be the moments that you do find out who you exactly are. It is at those occassions that you run into life and what matters most.  That those are the events when life passes by and you become very aware of how fragile and precious everything is.  The pictures taken at weddings are sometimes hilarious because to be honest a professional wedding photographer has got the talent to sneak up on you and suddenly there is this flash.  It is then you freeze in the middle of a very private conversation.  Hilarious at times but also very confrontating. Looking at them shows you more then just a snapshot.

 My family is the perfect example of human beings who are very good a celebrating life.  Oh yes, there are already a few people missing but there are also many new faces popping up.   Yesterday seeing one of my second cousins dancing with her boyfriend made me smile.  He guided her very gentle over the dance floor while her cheeks turned very red.  She surely enjoyed the attention she was getting.   He not for one second took his eyes of her.  That she was having troubles following in his footsteps was rather cute.

'He is doing a good job.', a voice suddenly told me.  'Oh yes, he is.', I said and I then became aware that the person who was sitting next to me had been witnessing the same scene as me.  I even envied that young couple because they still had their whole life ahead of them.   Now a few minutes before this scene I had seen my mother out there on that same dancefloor. My mother who the last 15 years her life surely was not that easy.   That moment that one of my cousins grabbed her and made her move over the dance floors made me even LOL.  And then there was an other cousin whispering into my ears:'Look at your mother. What a woman!'  My mother still loves dancing at weddings and she will be dancing along with young&old.  She even beat us to it last night.  The only excuse I had to bring in is that the Friday rush, traffic and thunderstorms had made me end up being rather tired.  But what was I enjoying that view! 

Yeah, I guess that at weddings she will miss my dad.  There were so many people that were missed last night.  My family does not sugar coat things.  Even not at weddings.  I do have even serious chats at such family affairs.   That I the last 24h have been able to catch up was so nice and I also understand myself better and better.   Eating a piece of wedding cake was even sweeter while listening to some of the stories my aunts had to tell and I shared many stories with them and showed pics of A.

My family demonstrate a very deep understanding of what life is about and they will never give up and this against all odds.  They don't come up with excuses and they can suddenly burst out in singing and dancing.   They demonstrate living intensely but there this first layer of varnish you have to scratch of us before we open up.  Well, at weddings we shake of that layer and it is there you get the opportunity when someone asks you sincerly:'So C how are you doing?', you are not expected to just say:'I am fine, just fine... It is then that someone, whose genetic content you for 50% share with, will stare you into your face and you just know... It is like coming home. 

Then this afternoon ended up at an other wedding reception.  This happy couple had tied the knot last summer in the home town of the bride.  They did share some pics on Facebook with the world and I can tell you that there was one picture that I just knew that she is very happy in the state she is now.  The way she was looking over a field while holding on to one of her children even send  me shivers down my spine.  I envied her at that moment because I still long for that one moment that I can say outloud that one word that I want to say loud and clear in the presence of the people I love and who care about.

In case you wondering about me and a personal wedding experience. It still has not happened. I hardly talk about it anymore.  Oh yes, I have somewhere in my picture library on my phone an image of a wedding dress that I once walked by and just fall in love with.  It is a dress that has not left my mind yet. I still picture myself in that dress and dancing with P while I am wearing a wedding band around my finger.   Oh yes, people have already told me that I just should give up that this is just in vain.  Well, no I don't... never ever... Why?  Because the people I love I always give the benefit of the doubt.  

So this weekend I said 'cheers' numerous times to the power of love and that wedding vows bring families&friends closer.  Once more that life is about keeping close what you love and wish to protect it, cherish it and take good care of it.    I have seen the power at work and ladies and gentlemen I can only state that it is a lovely view.   It lifts us up...and at the same time it reminds us how fragile everthing is.   Because one day you walk into a room where you then have to say goodbye to those loved ones and you then feel like you have missed out a few chances to say how much you did care about them.   Weddings and funerals they are part of life... they are reflections of how much we love and care! 

P.S.: Oh yes, I picked two very cheesy ones to go along with this one.  The fact is that those two where played at the family wedding.  And one was even the opening dance of the happy bride and groom. :-)