I adore games! My personal xmas-present I bought when we were in NYC last year was a Nintendo DS lite! It is wrapped in a very stylish black case to take it along on all my adventures. Not that I am an addict but I just like to play. P does not like games because he hates loosing. So that digital game makes up for all those boardgames that I don't get to buy or play. But there is one game that I just detest and that is the well known 'truth or dare'! And why, you might wonder? Well,..
Because it's too close to the way your life functions. And the last few days it seemed like it was the mindgame that was busting my brain. Not that I tried to ignore the signs. Even the overdose of chocolate eggs that the easter bunny had dropped by did not seem to work. I was haunted this time. It seemed to be stronger then anything that I had encountered before in my daily thinking pattern.
The problem is that I just even can't talk that much about it. It is something that I need to decide for myself. Yes, I talked with some very close friends all over the globe about it. I even bugged my study group friends with this big issue! Most of them were very nice and comprehensive. At the end of my monologue I kept on hoping to see the light. Like I was telling my audience that they had to 'push' me in the right direction.
Of course that did not work for me! Not that the ones that I really care about not said the right things. They did! It was just that the decision is all mine and only mine to make. P and I had some very nice chats about it as well. And it was one of the best talks we had in a very long time but still!!!! It is only me that can do this and decide to go for it.
Why did I have so much trouble this time? It is not like having to choose from a long list of ice cream flavours. This was something more complex. If you know me and have read some of the entries about what I promised myself then you know that there comes a time that you need to do more then just admit the truth you also need to dare.
Well, this is more dare then truth. I will have to take some risks and some people are going to be rather suprised. I even expect some people not to understand me but that are the risks of playing this game by the rules. And that is something that I always try to do, playing it by the rules.
I am sitting here behind my computer and I have now finally dared a bit more then 24 hours ago. It does not help that my mother is not home for the moment. P is also not home and A is asleep! So all that I have left is my keyboard to 'talk' to. But in the end it will come down to actually daring something new and unknown. There was a time that I was aching for such opportunities.
So in a few minutes I will shut down this computer and have some icecream! I just hope one thing that when I get up tomorrow morning that I don't have second thaughts all over again. I had them the last two days and they made me change my mind. The challenge is still staring in my face and this calls for some action. I just don't want to wake up one day and regret that I did not dare to say 'dare'. All I need is to take five! Not that long! Just one more night! Wish me sweet dreams! I need them and that is the truth!! I cross my heart and hope to die!!!