Up, Close & Personal With A Mountain

I am a Capricorn and those you come in real life across in mountains.  Stallie loves mountains. For a while I even lived surrounded by mountains.  Those natural obstructions can cause me to take very deep breaths and also long for something that I have not let into my life for a very long time.  It is very long story why I have not gone back there and no I am not going to get into that because in about 24h I will have my ski boots fitted and then I will have to dive into that one substance that I have not dared to go back on for such a long time.

The thing is that in my head is like an obstruction as well.  Over a decade ago I did come down of mountains like it was my second nature.  Yes, it has taken me long time to get the hang of it but thanks to a very patient ski instructor who took me five days under his wings I suddenly found out what skiing is all about.   He had managed to push me a bit further than anyone before.  It was he who suddenly managed to make me experience what you can feel like when going down a mountain and feeling your heartbeat so loud that you just scream for more of that same rush.   Oh yes, I can be very clumsy when it comes down to getting on a ski lift.  Plus I will crack you up when you see me trying to get into my boots or even seeing me getting out of them will created laughs.  Half of the time I won't find my ski pass and then I have not mentioned it is not a good idea to ski behind me because I can suddenly freeze and wanting to enjoy the view.

Oh wait, that was all before that one instructor got his way....

So what happened?  Well, that is very hard to describe but it basically involved letting go, trust and following my instincts.  Oh yes, I did fall down more than once and it was not always fun but by day 3 he did seem to be satisfied with my progress.   It was then I had found that one sensation that so many skiing people rave about.   It is very hard to describe what it feels like.  My sis and brother share this feeling with me. And they are die hards.  They are so much fun to see on skis.  My god child E can now ski and A is now begging me to take him on a ski trip.   So what went wrong that I over a decade decided to stay away from slopes, ski, aprés ski bars, ski lifts and many winter sport related vocabulary?  Yeah, well life did catch up with me.   In a way my innocence had vaporized and my mind got invaded by fog. 

The last time I was high up a mountain I did dare to take risks and I did conquer a certain slope that if I look back it would never have dared up in the first place.  That morning I did ski like I had nothing to loose but inside my mind it was pure havoc.  Havoc I had to face when I got home.   Skiing was from that moment on something that I did relate with things that had caused me a lot of pain and even shame.  So when I met P who was not a skiing person I did not call that such a shame.   Stallie had no plans to go back soon and once I gave birth to A and I ended up with a double hernia I even kicked out all my skiing material and clothing.

Did I miss it?  Did I even look over my shoulder and did I even think about going back?  Did even picture me back on a slope and skiing down a mountain?  Did I ever made the promise to myself that when opportunity would knock on my door that I would open the door?   Well, nope.  Because skiing involved many sensations and skills that I kind of left behind on the top of that mountain.  It was something that did not fit anymore in my life.   The carefree person that I used to be I had said farewell the moment I got back on the road home from that skiing trip in the French Alps.

Stallie before the black slope at Avoriaz called 'Coup de Monde' and after it are two totaly different people.  It turned out that I had made some judgement calls that had gotten me in a certain state of mind that was not very pitoresque.  It was at that time that I found that I could not just burst out in a cry if I wanted to or if I felt like was about to scream out that I had to pretend that everything was okay.  At that time I kind of lost my vibe and I even found out that I could not trust just anybody.   Oh yes, I had also found out who my real friends were and who not.  None of them were with me while skiing down those slopes.  

On top of a mountain I felt like I could manage that state of mind.  It was like the fresh air, the height, the deep blue sky, the powder snow and the sun managed to erraze it all.  It was like it was in a time zone where it was me against a mountain.  Nothing else mattered and my life next to the slope was a total havoc but I was not ready to face the music and the consequences. I was scared and I felt all by myself once I was not on a mountain. 

It felt great and yes I had hoped that I would be able to pack up that feeling and rushing back home in the hope that the side effects would help me out.  Only the people that know me up, close and personal and know where I have been for a while ever since that last trip know exactly why I did not dare to go back.  I was afraid it would open certain wounds that needed a long time of healing.  The scars are still there and they will go with me when I get of that ski lift and will look down that mountain facing the slope that I hope to come down with a more confident feeling then I am experiencing at the moment while writing this entry. 

I want to get that vibe back, feel that powder snow back in my face, breathe in that mountain air,  let the mountain decide where I need to go in order to get back at the bottom of the hill..... okay...so it is about letting go... following my instincts...  but staying cautious at the same time...I am ready to embrace that mountain and all the sensations that I have been pushing out because they are so fragile, unpredictable and intense...It might involve some falling down and having to get back on my feet and face the fact that a mountain will always be stronger but I want to be back friends with it....  Nothing really matters on top of mountain.... oh wait everything matters but on top of mountain you suddenly know what does not...


PS: To those people who might be able to read between the lines I am still very grateful that you were there for me in that period of my life when I needed help when I got back from that skiing trip.  I am still very grateful!!!!

Easter Impressions

It is the Sunday that calls us to go outside 
and to show up in the spirit of hope.

On this specific day nature shows its power and 
you suddenly see how the daffodils and tulips can be 
radiant. 

It is the morning the grass is casting away
the winter blues.

The Sunday that is worthy of its name 
because we then all dive into something divine.

The day that laughter 
and the sound of cracking eggs 
fill up the heart of not only the young ones.

That one specific date on the calendar 
we all whisper for peace of mind.

Rays of sun who tell you 
there is something awaiting around the bend
It might be still not visible for the eye 
and even your heart might even deny its existence.

But undoubtedly that one day that will 
always tell you that resurrection takes place
all around you.  


P, A & Stallie wish you all close or not that close by a lovely Easter.

Reading Between The Sheets

I love books!!!  Despite the fact that I had difficulties with reading and spelling it seems that books conquered my heart at a very early age.  The local library was one of my favorite places to hang out at.  My parents were of course thrilled about this love affair and you always made (and still do) me happy with a book voucher.   P even has got issues with my collection of books that is starting to stack up in our attic.  Hey, I wish we owned one of these private libraries.  I just can't resist the call of colorful & mysterious covers.   If you ever loose me while walking through a city then go to the closest by bookshop and chances are likely that you will find me there.

Now I have been asked numerous times what books I read.  Well, that question is so much shorter then the answer can be.  I don't have one kind of books I like.  Oh yes, there are genres that I am not that much into because I have given them perhaps once or twice a go and they were not able to satisfy my hunger.  Oh yes, Stallie has come across books that have run her insane.  My first time reading Hemingway was not a that much fun.  A book that goes by the title 'The Old Man"&The Sea' had not that much to keep me interested.   And when I had to analyse 'Mourning becomes Electra' by Eugene O'Neill I totaly went of the radar for a few days.  The first pages of 'The English Patient' by Michael Ondaatje made me wonder what the fuzz was all about and it was thanks to a very gifted film maker that I gave the book a second chance.   Shakespeare his Hamlet has filled me up with 'to read on or not to read on'?  But because this was on the litearture exam Iwas forced to pick up the book and dive into it over and over again.  

The day that I sneaked out of my father's office with the hardcover of 'The Pickwick Papers' by Charles Dickens it were the tiny illustrations that kept me going on.   Oh and then there was that one time that I realy wanted to find out what my dad had come across when he started to rave about 'In The Name Of The Rose' by Umberto Eco.  Well, the first 200 pages I did not seem to see it and was I so much tempted to put it back on his desk.   Something similar I had to face when I read for the very time Coetzee.  'Waiting For The Barbarians' was quite a fitting title when I considered reading it already a barbarian act. But I never gave up... I kept on reading in the hope to see what others managed to see... I was curious...

One day that stood out was when I for the very first time met up with Thomas Hardy.  I was in English Lit class and embracing myself for a rather boring class in which I had to take notes against time.  But then something happened that has happened so many times when I read a book that suddenly opens up when I managed to let the words sink in but then in very intense way. Something was set a fire.  A very strong sensation that kept me on reading and longing for more.  After Hardy nothing was ever the same when it came down to books.    That day English literature became so much more then a bunch of titles that were called 'classics'.  So yes, I am very happy that I showed some persistence when it came down to reading.

It are those classics that have made me reading in depth, that made me wonder about the beauty of words and managed to keep up at night instead of sleeping those esential hours before an other tiring day in class or at work.  Books have brought so much extra into my life and I will never ever be able to repay all those authors that entertained me or tried to teach me a few things about life.  Yes, I am proud that I managed to finish 'The Discovery of Heaven' by Harry Mulisch.   Reading that book was such adventure. 

Reading is part of me and I try to have a very open mind when it comes down to it.  In the world of books I try to live with a not a set of fixed rules.  Thanks to a very inspiring Irish lady N,who I met up with on a sunny Saturday I did embark on a very intense book adventure.  When I became a member of her bookclub I found out how complex and intense the world of the written word can be.  The hidden messages and the beauty of the language I suddenly found in places I had never been before.   And no, we do not all agreee the whole time about a book.  Sometimes we even change our opinions about it once we had a interesting chat about our experiences.

So no, Stallie does not only read classics or will only touch books that get great reviews.  I found out that when I give a perhaps at first sight a rather boring book a go then I might find a treasure.   Oh yes, I do have got my preferences.  Jane Austen never will fail me on a rainy day.  That will never ever change because I even walk around with a tote bag with a gigantic quote of Pride&Prejudice on it.  But then I also have one with a Twilight quote on it.  Don't ask me why because that is a totaly different story but it does mean that the Twilight books did find a way into my personal reading list.

Yes, I sometimes stay away from books that say on the cover 'New York Times bestseller' or 'Already over a half million copies sold worldwide'.  I can be suspicious believe me and then I need a long time to find my way back to that one title.  There then also then moments that I picked up on a best seller before anyone around me.  Like for instance my first Harry Potter book I picked up in a bookstore in North Canton, Ohio and at that moment nobody in Belgium had even heard of the wizard boy.  The reason that I did buy it was because I had read a very promising review in Time Magazine about it.   I have to say that I even had a lovely time being one of the few people in my home country who knew about the wizard kid before he was going to conquer the world.

I also read books in other languages.  In my mother tongue my heart starts to beat faster when I read lines that have been created by Jeroen Brouwers, Hugo Claus or  Connie Palmen. And many more have made realize that if an author masters a certian skill he or she can let you cross over to place where language has got so much more potential.  My love affair with the Dutch speaking authors wasn't easy forward.   But now years later and when I try to teach teenagers the beauty of words I even dare to use sentences like 'I have got a crush on Harry Mulisch.' or 'Do you see what Verhulst has managed to do with only 7 words?'  The complexity and the intense beauty of a poem written by Hugo Claus can swift me of my feet. Dutch literature can sparkle if you give it time to sink in.

Stallie has a very intense relationship with literature and she surely knows that there are authors who have created something exceptional.  She thinks she also knows when something is considered rather pulp.   But I even read those even if they do not get those 4 star reviews in the Huffington Post.  I do go to movies that a professional journalist considers 'trash' or even considers 'not worth your money'.  Why don't I then listen to those people who make their living out of that kind business and surely know what they are talking about.  Well, that is just me.  Do I need to justify myself, do I?  The thing is that I have found out that some books will touch my heart in a more intense way and others will leave without leaving behind a single trace.  Even if they did get that promising review or many friends rave about it.  But I am openminded as well when it comes down to books. 

Sometimes in my world of books there opens up a new window of reading opportunities.  This was surely the case when about 2 years ago I got introduced into Austenesque literature.   I have this lovely friend M who is out here with a great blog and writes great reviews about books that are inspired by my most favorite female British author: Jane Austen.   She introduced me into a world that has already given me so many entertaining moments and they have made me smile while drinking a cup of George Clooney and I am turning the pages of book that describes what happens to Mr Darcy and his Elizabeth after they tied the knot.  When we met up last year in London I was so grateful to her that we ever got me meet on social media.  Yes, my personal collection now also holds some lovely and delightful Austenesque books.  Will everybody be able to share that love with me. Nope!  Because let us be honest we do not all like the same books and movies, do we? 

So and this brings me to an other rather very hot topic and that is the movie that the media has been raving about for months and that is based on a certain book that features a hot shot but totaly f***ed up multi millionaire and an innocent and romantic English Lit graduate student.   Oh yes, believe me I had serious reservations about that trilogy.  I still have because let us be honest it is not literature with a major L.  Plus I had my own very personal reasons why I did stay away from them.   Basically I had the same issues with those books as I had with Twilight and to be honest if Peter Facinelli not had shown up in the A&E after Edward Cullen saved her then I might not have bothered to get the first book.  Team Carlisle Cullen it was then and it still is.   But no as much I loved that triology I don't give them as much stars that I will give a book written by Coetzee or J.K. Rowling or Jody Picoult.  But hey those books are a totaly different league.

And so yes, Stallie went to see what the effect of the six pack of Jamie Dornan was on the pale skinned and lip biting daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith.   Oh yes, I wanted to see what a director had done with these book characters who surely are not considered average.  And yes, I did get comments about doing so.  Oh yes, I am fully aware that there a people who have very strong reservations about this kind of story.  There is so much already said about them and P even did send me a few reviews warning me that the movie is even sleep inducing.  But hey, it does take a bit more then that to convince me not to and see a certain book or read a certain book.

Now, don't get me wrong! Please bear with me for a second on this rather touchy subject because Stallie even has certain reservations about the movie herself and they do matter.   One of the main issues I have with all of this is that the movie only is scratching the surface of what is told in the books.  There are characters missing and one is very crucial to understanding Mister G his psyche.  But it seems that the director had her reasons not to include those in her creation. Fair enough because after all a film is not a book.   The thing is that if you ever will have major discussions about this movie without reading the books that we won't speak the same language.  But don't worry if you buy me a gin&tonic to cool down after our very fierce discussion I will calm down in no time.

The people who know me very well and had some conversations about the content of them will know why I did so.    The thing is that I there are people who do judge a person by the books and the movies he or she watches and that can piss me off.  Pardon me for my French but that is what it feels like when you think that this is how I function.   I have never done that & I never will do such a thing.    So call me what ever you wish behind my back.   The thing is that as long you have not sat down with me and had very serious conversation with me about why I do like a certain book or movie that I might not agree with your opinion because it then rather feels as if you are judging a book by its cover. 

To end this perhaps rather grey sounding entry I wish to point out that I am a bit happy that I managed to read these rather kinky books on my Kindle.  Because I doubt it that I would have gotten the same reactions like when I was reading a paperback version of 'This Book Will Save Your Life' by A.M. Holmes.   That cover has attracted some rather curious looks when I was travelling on the metro into down town Brussels.  One time a total stranger asked me:'Has it got that effect?'  I then answered:'I am still alive.  But I guess you will need to read it yourself in order to find out.'  She then smiled mysteriously and got off the metro and I will never find out if she did. Do I care?  No, I don't but am I happy that I read it.   So reading keeps me happy, my mind sharp and focused but once in a while I need a dash of Bella or Anastastia to pull me through the very depressing 'GREY' days....that and a Starbucks Latte Machiatto grande with caramel and tons of cream on top.  Seattle you will always be a life saver...

Being The Cartoon Heart

I consider myself not a person of extremes. Okay, I do admit that I one minute can be over the moon and the next I can be totaly depressed because something or someone has triggered something that makes something go off in my mind.  If have days that I do believe that my star sign is responsible for that. Capricorn right here! I am used to it by now but believe me I still do have moments that it does take me some energy to understand myself.  Oh yes, I have done things against my belief, principles and faith because I had some very good reasons to do so. Yes, some did involve some regret but at the time I did overcome my own judgement and conscience because it did involve a certain sentiment that I do consider very strong and ultimate important.

Personal I have the deepest respect for that sentiment because I have seen up, close and personal the power of this sentiment at work.   It is the source of so many things that I consider worth to fight for. I dare to go the distance because of that one feeling.  In most situations it will even keep me sane and it will make me stay away of the place where the world is so much darker.   Oh yes, it involves fighting back and sometimes holding my tongue.   Also it will question some of my strongest beliefs and principles that I try to live by.  I am under a constant attack but up till now that one feeling has saved me over and over.  It made sense and then you are happy to even make a few sacrifices. The people out there who know Stallie will know for sure what I mean by this.  This sensation has shaped my heart, my mind and my conscience.    It is who I am and I might have to forsake now and then some things I care deeply about but what it has given me in return I am 200% sure that it is worth to fight for.  So in my personal life the power of LOVE still prevails and that perhaps makes me a bit more naive then most of you out there who consider themselves realists and very down to earth.

The moment I found out what had happened in Paris I sat there and my mind just went blank.   That I was all by myself and that I could not even think of one single 'correct' word might not surprise you. The thing is that Stallie has normal no problems with coming up with words. I am someone who believes in the power of the word and who thinks that the freedom to express what you think and feel is ultimate important.  I have found out that the written word can have negative side effects.  That will always be the case. Every single action can have that effect.   It would be so naive to think that we can just do what we feel like at every single moment of the day.   That world I do not wish to live in.  

That in France people once did revolt because they were after a new kind of society and needed more freedom is to be found in the history books.   Yes, people have fought in 18th century for freedom, equality and brotherhood.  In 'La douce France' many people were fed up with power and supremacy of one person who did think he was even God on earth.  It was then that so many people started to express openly their mind about what they did think. And oh yes, at that time satire was a very useful way to get their point across.   The French have taken satire to a level that most of us never will get.  It is in France that the expression of ideas and thought even the extreme ones is daily business and it sells.

Now, I don't consider myself a person who can laugh with everything. Satire is sometimes a bridge too far when it comes down to the humor I consider funny or of a certain quality.  But as the French state so lovely:'Des goûts et des couleurs, on ne discute pas.'  Nope I not always agree with everyone I come across on a daily basis. Now and then I even disagree with the other significant one when he once more has total different priorities then mine.  I have to hold my tongue more then once when I do think that I am more right then him.   It will happen again and sooner then I even account for. But that is part of the bargain.  But love prevails over and over and that is keeps me sane and also the people try to live, work and have to put up with me day in day out. Or at least that is what I hope for.

That we now with so many ventilate our opinion about what has happened in Paris and beyond does not come as a surprise. It seems that suddenly everyone feels like we need to take a stand.   The thing is that what is going on in my mind is a bit more complex then the sticker or the poster:'Je suis Charlie'.   I have dived into the press shortly after this happened and I then suddenly had a lockdown in my brain.  It is then that I try to be zen, even step away from any IT-tool.  No I am not one of the persons who will then call my family in overdrive.  That might only happen if after that moment nothing sensible comes out of me or the world even makes less sense then before that.  Nope, Stallie then dives into a pool of solitude. It is not a happy spot and the water is ice cold and deep. I am going under and I even will hide there for a while before I decide that need to come back for fresh air.

It is in those solitary moments that I suddenly try to come up with the answer to the following trival questions:'Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? What is my faith?  What stand do I take?  What is my opinion?' Believe me, I refuse to ask for help during those rather dark moments because chances are likely that after that I might not be understood by all the people around me.  I have found out that in the 21st century so many times we are asked to have an outspoken opinion about something and it seems that we are even forced to always say what we think.  The thing is that I in the first place wish to be who I am without having to justify myself and I feel threatened by others that my opinion might trigger something that is beyond my control. It is then I do think twice before I express my opinion but there are a few things that I consider sacred: my freedom to be who I am and this without fear.

I am fully aware that many have died in the past to safeguard many of the things that I have almost started take sometimes for granted.  So that a few days ago three men decided to end the lives of people who take their right to express their rather extreme opinions made me feel...... Actually I failed to find the right words to express what I felt.... The aftermath of this I am still digesting and I am quite sure that it has caused a major impact on the lives of many. 

In case you have hoped to find out here what my 'exact' opinion about all of this is what is going on then I am sorry to inform you that you won't find it out here.  And no, that is not that because I am afraid  to express what I think.   As stated so many times before: what is going on in my mind is a complex process and for the moment my mind can still not come fully to terms what is going on.  Perhaps I try to tell you out there that when I feel ready to express my opinion that you might be in the room with me and that you just have asked me the right questions and that I feel ready to express myself and that we can have a very deep going conversation/debate/discussion/chat/ (you see, I don't know yet what then will happen but I am trying to come to terms this could end up in many forms of dialogue) of which we both hopefully will benefit.

BUT for now I wish to state very clearly that I hope the following: I feel free and this is also thanks to this blank space that I am able to fill in with words.  I am able to say so many things about what I feel, sense, experience, taste, witness, read,learned,etc.   The idea that there might be a day that I might not have that opportunity to do so and that will have to hold back because it might cause destruction and total havoc that scares me.   Because yes, I am Stallie and I love to write.... It is something that has become part of who I am and I strongly believe that every human being alive should feel safe when using a pen or pencil.  

To wrap up some of the things I came across that for me stood out in the jungle of reactions that I came across since:

  1. Jojo Mojes, one of my favorite authors, expressing in a tweet what she felt like that day when she saw a picture of a crowd holding up pencils:

So moved by crowds holding up pencils, pens, Je Suis Charlie signs. The imagery of good can be just as powerful as that of evil.                                                                                                 
              
Source: Twitter


2.  This is a part of  a commentary published in a Belgian newspaper by the Belgian columnist Guillaume Van der Stighelen.  He wrote this just a few hours after what was going on in Paris:

"Er is een nar onthoofd. Laat dat het goede nieuws zijn: een vorm van onmacht is ontbloot. Nee, het zal de pijn van de nabestaanden niet verzachten. Maar lach. Lach harder. Lach luider. Lach zachter. Lach gemener. Lach teder. Lach vrolijk of lach groen. Maar lach. En blijf lachen. Als eerbetoon aan de jongens die niets anders wilden dan ons wijzen op de beperkingen van de wijsheid die wij allen menen in pacht te hebben."

 Translated freely:

'A jester has been beheaded.  Let that be the good news: a way of impotence has been dispelled.  No, that won't make the pain of the families and loved ones less.  But laugh.  Laugh harder.  Laugh louder.  Laugh softer.  Laugh meaner.  Laugh tender.  Laugh cheerful or laugh forced.  But laugh. And keep on laughing.  As a tribute to those boys who did not want anything other then point out to us the limitations of the wisedom that we think we own.'

 Source:  http://www.demorgen.be/opinie/er-is-een-nar-onthoofd-laat-dat-het-goede-nieuws-zijn-een-vorm-van-onmacht-is-ontbloot-a2174254/

3. The music I picked out to go along with entry is ofcourse linked with what is going on and there are few lines that stand out and express what I do feel like and what kind of person I hope to be most of the time without hurting anyone's feelings:

'I'll be a bright red rose combusting the concrete
Be the cartoon heart'

& Because I have a very strong preference for everything that is Italian and that language also expresses so well what I feel like and what I believe.

'Fra di noi
c'è bisogno d'armonia
poi diventa facile
aiutarsi a vivere'

Translated: 
'Between us
there's need of harmony
then it becomes easy
help each other and live'

Living With Scrubs

So here we are: it is almost Christmas Eve and I am watching doctors series on television.  Yeah, I am guilty as charged.  Stallie watches everything that has scrubs in it and a surgeon or a guy with a nice smile who can fix major injuries in no time  That these series involve a lot of talking and not that much of real medicine is something that keeps surprising me.  Okay, the first copple of seasons of House MD I tend to call a winner and ER brought Doctor Carter and the eternal grey hair and gorgeous smile of George Clooney into my life. And I bet that there are few amongst you who even are hooked to Grey's Anatomy (a series that I consider not being that much a lesson of anatomy but rahter lessons of love) because of Dr Derek Shepherd, allias Dr. McDreamy.  Come on, admit it ladies (and perhaps even some men amongst you), you still fall for the guy in a white coat with a stethoscope around this neck.

Well the faithful readers amongst you know that my other significant one is somebody who does wear scrubs and yes he has got a stethoscope.  Even a very shiny one.   I already have written an entry about what it is like to be with someone who is doing this for real.   And nope, it is not like it is pictured in any of those series.  It is far from that.   I am even quite sure that P did not sign up for that kind of job because of those series. There is something else that made him decide for the world of medicine.

Now don't you think that we have deepgoing conversations about our jobs.  We hardly have time for that and since I signed now up for more hours that even is harder and harder.  There are even days that we only seem to meet up in the bathroom in front of our mirror and have talks while toothbrushes are planted in our mouths.  Then there are the evenings that he comes in just before the Cinderella hour (midnight) and that I have given into sleep.  Plus there are also the weeks that he is on call and that our lives don't include a lot of socializing.  And it is then that I end up waking him up in the middle of the night when he seems not to hear his phone ringing.  That is what the reality is like of being a partner of a doctor.

I feel lonely in the evenings and weekends are sometimes tough because I want him more at home then he can be.   Oh yes, I knew at the time what I signed up for but there are days that it just seems like we live rather seperate lives.   We both love our jobs and we both take them very seriously.   P&I are perhaps totaly different people.  In some ways we are even extreme opposites.  We don't agree on everything and there are days that we even tend to slam doors.  But we both have in common the drive to do our jobs with pride and also with a dash of perfection.  I am even tempted that P is a perfectionist in most of the things he does.  So I can totaly understand him when it comes down to doing a job and wanting to it as it should be done.

Now don't get me wrong when you start dating a doctor you find out quite soon that his/her profession will be in the way.  I have to admit that I did think that I would get used to it.  Well, was I wrong. I do run sometimes out of energy on Friday evenings and I then want him to be home with me sitting on the sofa. Sometimes I stare at the clock in our living room and wonder if they have forgotten all about time management in med school. DOCS ARE NEVER ON TIME WHEN THEY PROMISE THEY WILL BE ON TIME!  Sorry, I just could not resist!   I needed to get this out of my system.  Not that I want him to cook me four couse dinners or bring home red roses to thank me for the patience I show day in day out.  It is not that.  It is just him not being that much around that once in while makes it hard.

There are even days that when we drive by the private practice that I do get sometimes jealous and that I do wonder if his patients even wonder about us.   No, P has got no picture of me and A standing on his desk.  I don't see the use of that. The days that I pick up the phone and it is a resident, an A&E doc or a patient I do sometimes fire of internal curses.   Chances are very likely that I then loose him for an other half hour or even longer because that is when duty calls and that even at the homefront.  That is when it gets sometimes so tough and that I wonder what it will take to have one day without interruption.

And then there are the days that so many of us have seen in those popular series and that you are granted an insight into the mind of the doctor who faces lose and who shows to the world around him/her that he/she is not superhero and also has got off days.   P has got them and no he does not talk a lot about them.  Are you always the talkative kind after a rather less smooth going day at the office?  I am the one of the two of us who tends to give things a name.  But I also know that I then need to give him time and space to find back his peace of mind.

Stallie seems to have days that she has got the impression that she always has got to share her guy with medicine.  And on days that I ran out of juice I wonder what it will take to be granted priority.  Not that I expect him to choose A&me above responding to an emergency call. That would be unfair.  But can I please have a break once in a while and long for some normality?  After all I also need to be taken care of. I also need a check up once in a while.   Yes, it has crossed my mind more then once to drive over to the private practice and sit in the waiting room.  Believe me there are partners of docs who I know of having done this. But I resist.  It is then that I fight back and push myself just a bit further.

Yes, I do envy the couples that seem to have very straight forward working shedules.   When I stand in line at the supermarket I just wish that he would be there with me instead of having to do this all by myself.  It pops up in my mind when I run from A to B and hope that after I got to C that there will still be time enough to make it to D to finish all the chores on a very busy Saturday when the roads are packed.  Or when P does ask me to do something specific for him that does cost time. Precious time, time that I would rather do this with him and not having to deal with it on my own. Even standing in line at the bakery, where I can't resist counting how many husbands pick up croissants and baguettes for their wives&children, I then consider hard. Buying bread I call a romantic act.  Yeah, call me pathetic.  Team Peeta right here!!! (I am afraid that this last one only can be understood by people who have read 'The Hungergames'.)

Oh I know, I have got A with me and he has no already figured out by himself that his dad is not always that much available as he wishes for.  The evenings that P shows up before his bed time and we can have a quiet dinner without being too many times being interupted by a ringing phone we consider a blessing. Sunday mornings are basically the only morning that we get to spend quality time.   It is the only morning in the week that I do feel like we are a 'normal' family.  It is then that I get to enjoy P his company and that he will prepare me the perfect cup of George Clooney coffee.  It is then the best of both worlds come together: the fiction and the reality.

Stallie is enjoying her Christmas break but can not wait for P to come home tomorow night.  Because then his break starts as well. One that he also longs for. He has deserved it.  A&I will for sure enjoy the quality time we are granted with the inhouse doc.  And who knows my mother might have some misletoe hanging out for us to hang out under! :-) So let me wish all the docs (fictional&not fictional) a very nice Christmas eve!   And to all those docs who have been signed up for being on call:I wish you a silent night!!!

PS: P&I both consider 'The Green Wing' a lovely and funny doctors series.  We both still can LOL when watching it.  The song by Selah Sue (made in Belgium) we also both consider a very nice song and yes 'I am alone without you' that is what it feels like when P is again one more time late!  The one by Billy Joel does not need any extra explanation.  It is a song that defines me. It is song that tell you all why I stick with the guy I fell for...

I Love My Job!

It is the holiday season and for the moment I am even germ free. I did battle a serious cold just about a week ago and this might mean that for once I will not have a germ filled up holiday season.  One that I have been longing for.  The last few weeks seemed to be just going and going on.  Since September my work load has changed.  Stallie is almost back full time in a school and she did expect not a very easy comeback after being years a person who had cut down on hours for numerous reasons.

The thing is that I do love my job and that loves goes the distance.  There are days that I even love the whole damn bit about it. Even all the things that sometimes make go in overdrive.  Just to give you bit of an idea what can not even make me change my mind about my job:

-A coffee machine that will not work because it ran out of coffee: can be lethal in my case because this teacher needs a caffeine shot before facing the troops.
-A photo copy machine that refuses to work or just runs out of paper when you have just a split second left before show time.
-A hole puncher or stapler who falls apart when preparing worksheets for students and that you know you will get comments about it not being the case.
-A marker that refuses to work when you want to come up with a great board sheme to explain the conjugation of the verb 'zijn' and have 25 student in front of you sitting and you would rather throw that maker all over the place but have to keep in check and then try to explain it without the board.
-A computer who has got a black screen in one room and then refuses to synch with the projector in the other room and then totaly seems to let you down when not charging in the docking station of your office.
-A hard disk that refuses to save your oral exam while in front of you a student is sitting and you start to sweat and your cheeks look even more red then blush I carry along in my hand bag.
-A lunch line that is not moving fast enough to your liking because you have a duty and first want to have a nice hot lunch before facing the cold, rainy & windy weather.
-A cash machine that refuses to 'eat' my 20 euro bill what means that I will go without lunch and the people amongst you who know me personally know what effect that has on me.  No food in my system might mean a teacher who goes easily in overdrive.
-A overhead projector who seems to have a total off day when you have planned a lesson involving the use of it. You then stare at a black screen and I wonder what you have done in order to deserve this.
-A student who expresses its dislike for your subject and you would rather love to hang out on a Hawaian beach with a fruity cocktail and covered under sun screen but instead try to make this student see that knowing an additional language will make him/her a more interesting person.
-A car park that is full and you are forced to park a 5 minute walk from your work due to the fact that they are adding something to our campus that will surely add to  my educational hot spot some sportive atmosphere.  My shoes relfect what my walks are like but I try to picture myself in less then 2 years diving into the water of that spot and that makes up for all the dirt and stains that I now drag along.
-A power cut who turns your usually nicely cozzy and friendly work spot into a dark and rather less warm place to hang out.   (But I have to admit that one day at work without the interference of a mailbox was a positive side effect of something negative!)
- A wasp that decided that the Dutch office was the best spot to hang out.  Yes, the secret vault containing sweet delights makes it a very nice place to be in but Stallie in combo with this insect is not such a winning combination.  Nope,it not got out alive and my paper work is proof of what happened to them.  
-An umbrella who refuses to cooperate when you need to walk to your car after school and by the time you get there your not so waterproof office bag and your hair look like they could use a full make over.  And then have I not mentioned the paperwork inside of the bag that feels rather like it just went for a swim!  
-A voice that decides to take some time off in the beginning and you rather sound like a character out of 'Alvin&the Chipmunks'. I then consider myself not the most efficient teacher ever because if one of your most valuable teaching tools fails then you would rather run to your GP to ask for a few days off. But I am a diehard and then you decide that you will make it work whatever is heading your way. Hey, a few germs don't keep me away from doing what I love doing but it just won't get done as smoothly.

I could go on but I assume that you all get the picture and that I am just very happy when it comes down to my job.  Okay, I am very happy that I can now can have bit a longer sleep and not having to react to my alarm clock that starts to produce noise at an hour you rather wish to hide under the duvet and have nice dreams about beaches or pool bars.  My body and mind were already for a few weeks telling me that they needed some time to recharge.    So now they have arrived the holidays and I am very happy to enjoy some time that I am nobody's teacher but you can rest assured that when 2015 is a fact that I will be back, refreshed and ready to kick some *** in and beyond my class room!  And to all the bad moments or days that are heading my way... I don't easily give up when it comes down when it involves education&love.

PS: Song 1 is very straight forward and song 2 I have chosen because A loves Alvin and when I was battling my cold and tried to produce some sound it did sound a bit similar to these three amigos. 

Taking Deep Breaths in The City

It is half term and Stallie is cathing her breath.   The first two months of the school year are the defenite past and once more I can state:'I love my job!'  Nope, not everything stayed spotless and this included my office that isn't my office anymore due to change of plans and change of work environment all across campus. So right before dragging myself to my cool car with 4&4 traction, that will come in handy in the months to come, I filled up moving boxes with the content of my desk and cupboards.  I will miss that spot where my first work memories at my cool educational workspot were created. LOL, tears, smiles, mysterious giggles, eventful encounters with students, staff and parents, hugs, pats on the shoulders and many more meaningful moments I passed there. That I will have to move now out of the basement makes me feel happy but in a way does not because I am a Capricorn and those can not always deal with change without looking back over their shoulders.  It is about letting go and lookig forward. Something I do not master that quite well...yet.

Still I managed to fill up boxes in less then 5 hours and let the new 'inhabitants' move in with their drumsticks and other accessories to create some unforgetable sound memories inside of those four walls.  The only way now is up and so Stallie does look forward to a new office and people as part of her work routine.  It will take some time to get used to but in the end it will be fine and around Christmas I will be settled in for sure.

To patch up things mentally I am spoiling myself a bit and try to enjoy half term break imensely.  Dreaming away in front of a painting by Piedro Lorenzetti or Andrea Vanni at the 'Siena' exhibition at Bozar, getting chocolate at Marcolini and marshmellows at Elizabeth, selecting Mozart music at the specialist music store 'la boîte à musique', wandering around in Brussels and burning a candle at my favorite church at the Sablon, giving into the call of the sweet La Durée macarons and filling up a carton box with biscuits made by Dandoy and before jumping back on the metro picking up a latte macchiato with extra caramel to spice up my sweet Sunday. All of this is resetting my mind and finding back my zen mode.   Brussels is sometimes the best medicine to find back what I might have lost track of.  That city has got a very strong effect at me and I fell unexpectedly in love with it.   The love is now unconditionally and before that city will ever let me down it will have to create total havoc.

These sweet city trips also do include rides on the metro and this means that I will then fire up my iPod and take along a good read to keep me company during these solo tours all over my capital.  Nope, Stallie then does not need a guidebook or some extra company to find her way around.  The moment I dive into the metro I go with the flow and let Brussels decide where to take me.  It is at those times that I do meet up with many people who only will visit my capital once in their life time.  They stand out while I try to blend in with a spot that will only bit(e) by bit(e) give away her best kept secrets. It is a complicated city to get your head around because the first impressions of this place are so wrong.  On top of it all does the majority of people of this nation do not have a very intimate relationship with it.   After all, let us face it, it is not London, Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam or NYC.  It is rather a city where nothing is what it seems and you sometimes need to take a step back and dare to walk off the trail to find what you are longing for.  But the river that flows through Brussels is a deep one that once you dare to dip into it will take you to places that you will wish to revisit and I am not only talking 'chocolate' here.   It goes beyond...

It is the place where I can sit down on a bench and let the world exactly do what I need to do and that is letting life go by and putting it back in the right and mental healthy perspective.  I then zoom in and out whenever I wish to do so and suddenly find beauty and love all around.   It is a very strong sensation that I for a while did not expect to find back.  I have seen it at work in so many places but  when I do stand in the middle of Grand Place my blood starts to race through my veins and when I then walk into 'La Galerie de la reine' I manage to pick up my paste and I wonder if I already blend in with the scenery.

Yes, I then take long breaks and if the sunshine is out I will be sitting outside with a panini or something else savory to nibble on while observing the life rushing by and picking up and absorbing the positive city vibes and then I start to read and fully relax. This last Sunday I finished up a book by Paulo Coelho. Now before you even think that I am a big fan of his and that I am true believer in all what he preaches or tries to let his readers audience reflect about: I am not.

Before picking up 'Aleph' at the national airport and did board for Manchester I had only read 'Veronika Decides to Die. I have to say that this read did impress me and I am even tempted to say that anyone who works with mental patients should read it.  It is an eye opener and it will give you a very good insight what the mind can cause.  These 300 pages are a bit different because Coelho allows you to travel along with him and this up, close and personal.  I do not have any intentions to get more into it but there is one paragraph that I realy wish to share with you because these are the words that experss so well what I feel when I am in love with life and with people but because I hardly ever find the fitting words to express that intense sensation that I wish to borrow the ones of Paulo Coelho:

"I love you,' I tell her, 'I love you because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth.  I love you like a river that creates the right conditions for trees and bushes and flowers to flourish along its banks.  I love you like a river that gives water to the thirsty and takes people where they want to go.  I love you like a river which understands that it must learn to flow differently over waterfalls and to rest into the shallows.  I love you because we are all born in the same place, at the same source, which keeps us provided with a constant supply of water.  And so, when we feel weak, all we have to do is wait a little.  The spring returns, the winter snows melt and fill us with new energy.  I love you like a river that begins as a solitary trickle in the mountains and gradually grows and joins other rivers until, after a certain point, it can flow around any obstacle in order to get where it wants. I receive your love and I give you mine.  Not the love of a man for a woman, not the love of a father for a child, not the love of God for his creatures, but a love with no name and no explanation, like a river that cannot explain why it follows a particular course, but simply flows onwards.  A love that asks for nothing and gives nothing in return; it is simply there.  I will never be yours and you will never be mine; nevertheless; I can honestly say: I love you, I love you, I love you."  

And while I am going to dive into one more La Durée Macarons I am going to leave you and try to digest these words.   Do not try to hard to let them make sense because you might miss out many precious moments that your river passes by and gives you that extra sip of water you need.

PS: Like stated before I am not easy to define when it comes down to music.  I love many kinds and I can totaly fall in love with music that others just detest.   This one is one of these songs that I love when playing on my iPod and travel on the subway and walk around in Brussels and 'faire a nouveau connaissance' with that one city that has already given me so much and has never expected much in return.  And number two is music by a local voice who is so good at expressing many sensations that I feel while I am getting lost in Brussels and then suddenly find what I desperately am after in order to function.  Lara Fabian and Brussels will always go together because when I moved into the capital I did also fall in love with her voice.