woensdag 6 januari 2010

Don't take it personal!

It is quite obvious when you run into me I am in a very down mood. Can't help it and it is not that somebody has died. It is the time of the year that I get so out of tune by just looking at the people and when I sit down an listen at most of them I want to take of asap and head for a plane that takes me to the end of the world.

Yesterday I told P that all that I want is that people leave me alone for a few weeks and that I would love to digg a big hole in our back yard in order to hibernate there till... He gave this so analyzing look of his and told me in his very dry mode that he would love to do the same. In the back ground there was a 5 year old who was diving into bathtub and is enjoying bathing bubbles. Guess that I have to count him out. A is having a ball for the moment and still going strong.

So this girl is fed up with tons of stuff. Anger managment would for me be the right course to take in order that I don't hurt people.

Hey, I am teacher and blessed with tons of breaks and that is nice but sometimes vacations can tire you out. I loved tons of moments this Holiday season but there were also some of these situations that I would like to errase from my hard disk.
Dezember was so much fun and I am even tempted to catalogue some of those as my most precious moments ever! A month to cherish for the rest of my life but at the same moment my fatalistic trait poped up (very frighting because then I act so much as my dad!) and that takes me to less fun places.

- the drive to home for xmas with my car packed with presents and stuff to survive a snowstorm. A headbanging A in the back added some extra touch to this ride. Especialy when 'Last Xmas' of Wham was on!
- the snow!!! Even when we had to walk A through a snow storm to make it to a birthday party. We looked as eskimos. The walk P and I had that day was a bit like we were having a stroll through Winter Wonderland. And P made me feel so proud when he helped out stranded drivers. Good boy!!!!!
- looking for, buying and wrapping presents: the mission of the year is finding the perfect presents for friends and family. And this time I also treated myself! And P even drove me to Waterstone's in order to ge my new Moleskine diary (the right kind!!!) and the fact that I got to buy dolls for once to hand over to my nieces was a very 'make me feel good-moment'. The dolls even made me ignore some rather known people standing next to me at the cash register! Can you tell that I would have loved a daughter!?
- writing xmas cards and our traditional newsletter. It is a tradition and tons of people let me know weeks before hand that they look forward to receiving and reading it. Tons of research goes into these pages but for the very first time it ended up in a three page letter instead of two! So no writer's block in sight! Rereading it I do consider 2009 a very good year for the three of us!
- the xmas tree in my mother's living room! It was huge and it was obvious she had spend quite some time decorating that evergreen. A went bezerk when he saw it and he dragged every visitor into living room in order to witness this newest piece of furniture.
- Doing the typical stuff people do for the holidays: eating too much food! I gained weight and I am now on a diet! That will get very serious once my birthday has passed! Highlights of the diningtable were the xmas dessert my mum made and the cheese platter D&M made for us at Old Year's Eve (the one with truffle taste was heavenly) in the company of the best bottle of dessert wine I ever drank!
- Calling H! Was so nice to hear her this break. We discussed once more tons of stuff and yes during this period of the year I miss her and tons of friends over there a great deal. I can't listern to a single xmas carol without having a memory of xmas time in the States.

So where did it go wrong, you might wonder? Well,....
- P who ended up working again more hours that he had promised. No surprises there but still it stinched a bit when he came home much later then promised. Sorry but then I got so upset again and all I want him to say that he knows that patients will always have the priveledge to get him first hand. Yes, I don't mind but I do want him to admit it openly. It is a fact and I am not stupid but it has got consequences like having him not home tons of moments when you would love to share the holiday cheer with him!

- I lost tons of files when P moved the contence of my old computer to my new one. I cried my eyes out because the nice 3 minute recording I made of my mother and sis at Z├╝rich See discussing shoes, sausages, mountains, Bern&Basel,...... GONE!!! And top of the bill: our complete addresslist! So for more then 2 days I was in no mood to write a single xmas card. P explained very calmly that this must have been a 'temp file'. So this means that I have been using a temporary file for more then 5 years!???? GONE!!! A very sensible friend of me gave me the advice to get me a nice address booklet and copy them the old fashioned way! Uhm, and what if my purse gets stolen or I can't find it when I need it?

- STRESS: it even found it's way back into my body. My back aches again and that is also due to the fact that it is freezing days in a row and that I did some forbidden things like walking around on high heels and slept on the floor on a matrass because A and nephew D wanted to sleep in the big bed to share bedtime secrets. I even had some sleepless nights because I needed to be brave once more and God was I frightned this time!

- Going out of control because I just can't understand certain people their way of thinking and acting. 'I AM NOT STUPID!!!!!', was perhaps Stallie her punchline of the season. Tons of moments I wanted to strangle certain individuals and my mind was filled up very dark thaughts. Don't get me wrong! Xmas is for sure the season to have your mind filled up with peace,love& joy! IT IS ONLY VERY HARD TO KEEP THIS GOING STRONG WHEN TONS OF PEOPLE ARE NOT ACTING THAT WAY!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I am so fed up with some things, situations and people and not just close by. Nope even universal! This girl takes stuff most of the time personal and sorry for me there is no other way around it. When I tell somebody that I love or like him/her then I mean this 1000%. It only very odd to see people reacting when I do tell them that I am not amused, not feeling upbeat, rather down, not patient, upset, dissapointed and other rather less upbeat feelings. They then give me this look! Hey, I was ready to listen to you, make you a cup of coffee, spend hours on the phone, feeling empathy for you, calming you down, etc and now you don't get me??? None comprende?????? DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE??? I am the one who needs a cup of tea, wants to be asked sincerly 'How are you feeling today?', wants to be hugged more then just once. God, I must sound so pathetic!!!

Don't worry it will pass because you know what I did have myself a little xmas.
After we had macaroni and cheese for xmas eve dinner we dressed us up to face the freezing cold and got in the car. My mum drove A and me to train station where we got out of the car. It was so silent outside and we had passed tons of houses where I was able to peek through the window and witnessing the classic moments around the table and xmastree. Once we arrived we walked to platform 1 where a train was due
to arrive at 10 past 10! When it came A just started to jump up and down and screaming his lungs out! I got so warm inside to see those sincere emotions. My mum had a smile on her face that not often can be witnessed. When one of the carriage their doors opened and we saw sis, daughter, auntie L standing there with a very warm glow around her I WAS 200% HAPPY!!! Right there I did feel the miracle of xmas and nothing was fake! We kissed and huged and it felt right to be home for xmas. It will be that feeling that will make me overcome the rather less nice ones!!

SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL!!! , does not work for me especially at xmas time!!! Is this clear??? For once and for ever!!!????

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