zaterdag 19 februari 2011

'In your dreams!'

'I want that box of Lego and not that one for my birthday!', A pointed on the iPad to the biggest box I had ever seen! 'Yeah, right! Don't you think that is a bit to much to ask for 1 birtday?',and I added then my so classic sentence that I even use in supermarkets when A is trying to catch up with me while holding on to a big box of Lego he desperately wants:'I also want so many things, and I also can't have all of them!' On top of that I am thinking things:'You better get used to that!' or 'In your dreams!' His face tells me that then war is on. Next I start ignoring him and point towards the toy department where he should put back that gigantic box. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HIM....

Because in four more nights it is A his 7th birthday. For sure a joyful occassion. After all I am so amazed by the fact how fast life is goes on. One look at that blond little ('I am not little anymore! I am 6!') angel (hm,hm!!) who is showing in the kitchen his coolest dance move while I try to combine kitchen utensils with dancing, makes my heart smile. When he in the mornings crawls into our bed,while I am still trying to face my bad morning mood he is already fired up and ready to 'attack' the world and 'conquer' it in A-style. He is my closest ally and at the same time he is the boss in this house.

Still, this time of the year does always take me back to the beginning of the whole A-adventure. Not the most glorious time of my life. It even scared the hell out of me. Not that I talk a lot about those five days. At the time I just did what doctors told me to do and even what P instructed me to do. This all without questioning anything they did, the tests they ordered or meds they pumped into me. Seemed to be rather on automatic pilot and every hour that A and I managed to hold on did count.

So when I then suddenly faced myself not being in control anymore, I did panic but I never showed. It is the weirdest sight to see your own body having convulsions. 'Just stop doing that! Can't be that hard to make your legs stop trembling!' I even remember that every time an army of docs walked in to check up on me that I realy tried hiding those shaky legs and arms under the white covers. 'Come on, you can do this! You are the boss of your own body!', I was yelling at he inside. But they went first for my hands and legs like they already knew what I was facing.

The convulsions are also the ultimate reason why I was pulled over the line not to have an other kid. Because I do admit here now that I do have sometimes still 2nd thaughts about that decission. But I am one of these girls who sticks to her guns once she has made up her mind or has been given good advice by people who have tons of degrees hanging on their walls. I listen and take in and then I reflect. Not that I make up easily my mind. On top of that I trust the people who tell me what the consequences can be of a certain choice I make. And I always listen very carefully and it can hunt me for days and not leave my mind.

But there are moments it stings and that I also once more want to walk on Avenue de Louise with that stylish Bugaboo pram and picking out once more those cute little baby outfits. On top of that I am so convinced that A would be a great brother. On his report card his teacher even pointed out that he is so nice with other kids (especially the smaller ones) and even cares for them.

'Mummy, one day I am going to be a big brother!', he sometimes tells me when he walks into the kitchen. This breaks my heart. It still does. Not that we have not tried to explain to him why this is even less atainable then the biggest box Lego there is out there in the Lego Universe. A seems very aware of the fact that he was a premature baby. The Playmobil incubator was a great help to show him and he takes out many times his baby pics. Then he tells me many stories that we have told him. His favorite one:'Mummy, did you know that I one day while dad was changing my tiny diaper I just shit (pardon my language!) under the whole incubator.' He just loves that one and then LOL for minutes.

So yes, for the moment I have a bit second thaughts about a certain decission I made 4 years ago. It does not help that I am running into tons of cuties. My godchild E is into this lovely phase that she starts to smile and becomes aware of the world surrounding her. And when I heared our Spanish niece A who suddenly showed up out of the blue for a surprise visit (I love that kind of surprises!!! I do!!!) talk her first Spanish ('agua'/water) and Dutch ('papa'/daddy) words I just melted.

When then yesterday a colleague walked into my classroom with her 6 month old baby I felt a bit out of tune. I even told her what was bugging me because she knows me so well. 'But why, Stallie?', she asked me and gave me a very puzzling look. 'Because I am so scared that A will be alone when we are gone!', I then told her. I was standing there in the cold hallways of school (hallways that can bring out the best and the worst of me, as it seems!) and feeling rather stupid for telling her. She is also an only child but perhaps I did think that she would understand for sure what I was feeling. Her eyes (and she has major big blue ones!) told me then so much more then words could.

I am happy & grateful that A & I got out of the whole pregnancy and delivery story with not to many visible scars. The ones that ended up at the inside I can hide some days better then others. BUT, just that you know...
-Yes, I do consider E, my super duper godchild,a bit more then just a god child.
-Yes, I do have some certain days that I would love to imitate Angelina & Bratt.
-Yes, I do have still a hard time when I hear people say things like that 'one is none'.
-Yes, I do sometimes wonder what I could do with all these eggs that just seem to get wasted while others have such a hard time to conceive.
-Yes, I do sometimes feel the odd one out when colleagues/friends talk about pregnancies and mother instict. The first I did not make it through till the very end and the later I had to hold back because I was scared to let it come to the surface.
-Yes, I do sometimes still feel guilty that I did not make it into the 40 weeks. Every time docs tell me that something A ended up with is linked to his premature state my heart does break and do I wish I could have prevented it.
-Yes, I do envy those women who end up having normal pregnancies and have their babies with them from the moment on they are born.
-And yes, I do want sometimes something that I better can't have....

I guess that this is all just a phase that I need to go through once a year. Many perhaps wonder if it does not get a bit eassier with time. Uhm, in a way it becomes part of who I am, my life line. In a matter of speaking I try making up for this longing by caring, loving, looking after & spoiling other babies/children. That is also why I still love my profession as a teacher that much. And that one gigantic box of Lego that A longs for? That is going to have to stay a bit longer where I think it should: in his dreams! But you never know, do you?

P.S.: I did not realy find a very fitting piece of music to go along with this entry. So I went with one of these songs on which A & I just go insane when it is on. And this anywhere and anytime! And when this is one while being in the car with P, he needs to put up with a lot more then he bargained for: Stallie singing totaly off key!

P.S.2: If I come to think of it : this songs does fit with this entry. 'Release me. Release my body, I know it is wrong, so why do I keep coming back?'

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