Uhm, Stallie seems to have forgotten that she had a bog? Where was she? Writer's block? No time to write? Lost her password to Google? (Yes, this happened once and I can tell you that I was in a gigantic panic) Nope! None of the previous is the reason that I just not got into blogger world. It is more complex and not a single blog entry will do to explain what went on the last few weeks.
Perhaps I just for once wanted to find out what it felt like without having to blog at least once a week? Because if I take a look at the number of entries I manage to post I do quite okay but it is time management I suck at badly since I drank my glass of champagne to celebrate the birth of the year 2012. It seems that the year of the dragon, the leapyear and the olympic year are kind of racing on and only are picking up speed and I already am out of breath.
My mind is racing daily and tons of stories are witten in there but also got deleted the moment that I picked up different vibes. So then I kind of decided that perhaps the best way to deal with this state was to do something that many will do tomorrow: go on strike! I wanted to find out what would happen if I would just not produce one word on a keyboard. Instead I wanted to focus and observe! And then perhaps just let go without first getting on the blog level.
So as a result January 2012 will be the month that I have managed to stay away from my blog and I do not even feel bad about it. But no panic because the force of inspiration did strike back and I can tell you now up front that the other months will make up for January. The stories that ended up untold out here have been shared with people that I deeply care about. There have been for sure very intens moments in the last copple of weeks that I wanted to scream or try to find back my balance but for once I just did not make use of the blog. I just lived the moment!
And because January 30th will be national strike day I decided that this would be the perfect day to announce my comeback to the world of bloggers. For the onces who have been rather patient with me and the ones who did remind me of the fact that I do own a blog:thanks!!!! And you can relax now, I am back!
There are many words that I love in the English language but there are a few that will always make me smile for obvious and less obvious reasons. Today a fellow Jane Austen fan did tweet this word as a hashtag and it took me breath away. Why? Well, because it is word that I do strongly believe in.
Perhaps some of you have never even heard of the word and this perhaps because it is not a word to be used on a daily basis. I do think that it is a word that is very fitting to be used at a day as today.
In Australia they are already celebrating 2012 and to be honest I can't wait to get dressed up & drink some heavenly champagne in the company of some good friends. Friends that do matter to me greatly. At a day as this I do take some time to look back at what I have ended up after 365 days more on my personal timeline.
Well,...what can I say that I am so grateful for what I do have? That I am over the moon about the fact that I am still surrounded by family, friends and human beings that make me feel very much alive and hopefull? That I feel blessed when it comes down to friendship and love? That opposite me two men are sitting that I love above all? That I strongly believe in many words that matter on a daily basis? That I this last year did find so much more out there then I hoped for? That I did let go but still try to hold on when the night is dark and the moon seems to be hiding? That a smile, a tear, a wink, a kiss, a pad on the shoulder, a song over the radio, a wave, a post card, a Tweet, a message on the my phone, a good book, a cup of George Clooney coffee, a gigantic chocolate muffin, a glass of champagne had an amazing powerful effect on me....... and I could go on for hours because in 2011 that I was all granted in the company of some amazingly impressive and loving people.
One of the many reasons that I do like the word here above is that it is very hard to translate. 'Happy accident' is one of them and perhaps that is a very good way of putting down in some very easy words what this extra ordinary word is. It has given me so much more then I could ever hoped for in a year that I do wish to call serendipity all over. The world might sometimes have gone mad but even in hybris I did find some sparks of hope.
Chances are high that you reader have been one of these sparks. So yes, before the old year comes to an end I do wish to say thank you from the bottom of heart. Some of you might not have been aware of the energy you did share with me. But then everything happens for a reason and therefor let us in 2012 go with the flow and try to share the happy tidings and hopefully find old and new hands to hold on to when the tidings are less cheerful.
I would gladly invite you over for a gigantic cup of festive Gingerbread latté with a gigantic double chocolate muffin at the Starbucks in Central Station of Brussels. This in order to just sit there and let the world pass by. But I bet that most of you will be the next few days be quite busy with being very grateful and hopeful. But please be so kind to accept my sincere wishes for the new year that is already peeping around the corner. Please stay observative and when an accident does happen then please believe in the force of 'Serendipity'. Let 2012 be the year you are after in your dreams and beyond. And let it be a year filled up with many 'happy accidents'.
P.S.: I do have a very special reason to have picked this song. It was in Central Park about 10 years ago that some extra ordinary feeling popped up in my heart and that I did not could wait to see the one smile of the person that now get to spend our 11th New Years Eve with. <3
I am home for the holidays!!! And yes, I managed to get into the mood for xmas. P told me today while he tried to find something edible in this 'empty' house that he still has not found the xmas spirit. 'Well I think I did!', was then my reply. Wished that I could share it with him but the thing is that I do think that you need to discover or it rather rediscover the spirit of xmas yourself.
Where did I find my xmas feeling this year? Well,..... surprise suprise... at work. 'Boring', you might think. Because you might think that I am talking about the annual xmas party or that I fell in love with the lovely xmas tree that is brighting up the dark and cold reception area of our school building. Nope! It is more then that.
It was more....
- the amazingly cute xmas cards that I did find in my mail box. The ones my pupils made were of course the most touching. 'Mrs S did I this year spell all the English words correctly?' The hopeful look in this pupil her eyes told me so much more. - the wonderful testimony that colleague and young mother L gave today during our xmas service. My feet were changing into icecubes but her sincere and touching words made me swallow down a few tears. - the extra portions food that were to be discovered in many places. I must say that the pancake, the yummy 'eclaires', the delicious 'bouche de Noël',baked marshmellows and a coffee with xmas touch to it added a delicious twist to my xmas spirit that was popping up. - the moment that a pupil of mine called my desk 'clean'. Yes, Stallie can be so chaotic but she likes to keep everything close by and then ends up with high stacks of papers. It is miracle that at the end of the term she is still visible to her audience. So yes, I did classify (read throw) away some of the 'old' paperwork to make room for the 'new' on that the next year will bring me. But this compliment did make my heart glow. - the reactions of my sophomores when I handed over their report cards. Most faces told me that they were relieved and so was I. This year I feel blessed when it comes down to motivated pupils. Kids that will need still encounter many hard moments in their lives but have shown me in the last three months something that makes me still hopeful when it comes down to the future. - the numerous hugs, meaningful compliments and winks I got this week. Words can give you wings. I can tell you that today more then once a co worker or a pupil used meaningful words that I did copy loud and clear. I wrapped them up and put a very big bow around them and took them along home to plant them under our xmas tree.
One look over my shoulder does tell me that at work I do find so much more then just work. Xmas is the time of giving and receiving. It should not be about getting even or taking revenge. Xmas is for sure the moment that you are granted an opportunity to observe the world with your five senses and that you do come to terms with what you already have in abundance and want to share with human kind and this globally.
Okay I admit that the best moment of the day did take place at home. Our son A, who managed to get very good grades at school and whose teacher is also very proud of him and who did star in the annual xmas musical as a doc, asked tonight for a very big hug. Not just an ordinary one but one while the three of us were holding on to each other. 'Merry xmas!', he then yelled and it was then that I did feel that xmas did arrive for sure at this house.
Because isn't it so that we find the mystery of xmas in the rather less visible? Have all of you a very Merry 'little' Xmas.
P.S.: Today during the church service someone said that the reason that many of us like the Nativity story that much is because it ends well. Happy tidings still echo while I listen or read it myself!
I have been not on for quite some time. Partly GERD is to blame for that but also time. Once half way November I seem to have the absurd idea that time is just slipping through my fingers. So I just basically did not find enough time and inspiration to spit out here an entry that I considered worth while to donate some time on.
I am dealing with some hot issues for the moment. Ones that I try to get my head around. The one day it goes smoother then others. One day it seems that the sun is shining in my mind and the next I think that I hear thunderstorms nearing that will mess up my very well constructed shedule.
But I have made some promises two years ago about me, myself and I. I do not wish to go back where it was rather dark most of time. It was a spot where I mostly met up with something that was not creating the life I was after. The day that I decided that enough was enough and that I walked out, I did slam the door very loudly. What I found 'back' made it so much more worth while to try and not to give up even when it is tough.
Mindfulness is something I very strongly believe in. It has helped me and keeps helping me to focus on what truly matters. The last few months many have asked me if it is normal to feel sometimes a bit lost at your thirties. If that what they are facing or have obtained in their lives that this will be it. If the sensation they get up with in the morning will be as good as it gets for the rest the will hang out on this planet.
More then once I was asked where the love went, the sensation they seem to have lost while building a house, finding the dream job they were after, putting children on this globe and travelling the seven seas. Most of them even used the word midlife crises and P has already the word 'motorbike. That last act made me LOL outloud because I tried to picture my other significant on one of these fierce bikes racing into Brussels wearing one of these leather outfits. I just could not get my head around that one but still the word midlife crises was then mentioned out loud. And yes, even he has his moments that he wonders:'Is this it??''
My answer is always the same:'Yes and no!!!!' Most of the time I will then get weird looks because then I wonder if they are planning to travel along with me. Because the voyage I long to take them along on is not that straight forward. For me the word that seems to get others on board is 'perception'! It is a word that in many cases holds up to change your POV.
What I see day in day out does give my life color but sometimes it is hidden and awaiting you in less straightforward places and moments. I do like the light and bright colors better when I get up in the mornings if I try to take a closer look at the sky. It is then that I refuse to get back on the dark outfits that I tend to wear when my mood is down. The moment that A walks into the bathroom and shows his blond hair and his cute smile I try to suck up the energy he is sending out into the cold bathroom. I then dive into his eyes, searching what I am desperately searching for and I do find it there. He has never let me down. And not only he. You might even have been part of some energy boost that kept me zen and 'saved' and keep on 'saving' me.
Like this week I felt it when: - I drove into the darkness to work but saw the break of dawn (I still have not seen 'Breaking Dawn' but I hope to find my way to the cinema soon!) and the first rays of sunlight hit the earth. - I read a meaningful passage in a book while I was standing in line at the cash register at the supermarket. - I picked up P his positive vibes over the phone while having a good time in the eternal city. Yes, I was a bit envious that he was able to walk around without an umbrella in 20°C. - I sensed it when I 'caught' two young lovers kissing each other in the metro and they seemed not to be aware that they were sharing the space with about 50 other people. - I tasted while I took a big bite of a gigantic chocolate muffin. - I smiled at the tiny baby that I did hold today in my arms and whose gorgeous eyes touched my soul. - I listend to the music that Mozart composed and still can make my soul lift me of to a brighter place. - I put on my perfume and I did smell that open field of daisies that Marc Jacobs was after when he bottled the odor components. - I did hear the voice a friend who asked very sincere if I was okay and took the time to listen to what I felt like. - I longed for it while I was having lunch with in front of me a very good friend and in the background the great skyline of the city that has conquered my heart. - I smiled while reading the delicately hand writen letter from my Jane Austen pen pale M who I hope to share many happy tidings with. - I felt sweat running down my backbone while dancing away on the music of Rene Aubry. - I send of an other tweet into Twitter space and I sometimes ended up with the most unexpected reply of a stranger. Strangers that sometimes make me see things very cleary.
Yes, I have found this week the power in many things. I sucked up the energy that each of these acts tried to share with me. Because energy I will need a great deal over the next few weeks. I just hope that 'Sinterklaas' will be so kind to bring me some chocolate because that is something I might need in case of an emergency and I did ran out of Magic Mindfullness Potion.
In case he is in doubt: I was very good this year and I try to use the force wisely! Oeps, sorry wrong guy but then Yoda and Sinterklaas seem to have found out that Mindfulness can make the difference. It surely keeps them very young for their age. Because one can easily kick some ass with the Dark side and the other rides over roofs while balancing on a gigantic big white horse.
Outside the daylight is already getting less time to show off and today I got so cold that I was tempted to make hot coco with tiny marsh mellows in it. This in order to find back the warmth. Instead I tried to pick up some heat that was coming out of my computer or I let A crawl up on my lap and asked him to hang out in a bit longer with me. I also tend to spend then a bit longer time in front of the television with P.
Like for the moment P&A are watching their weekly portion of car fun. 'Top Gear' is on and then I tend to let the two of them bound on the couch. Not that I will not watch along but it is just cute to see them both get into the whole thing. A will comment on how fast the cars seem and will cheer on the Stig when he test races a new fast car. P seems to be on a different planet for about 60 minutes. One where I just do not seem to exist. There are even moments that I think that he is imitating the noises the engines are making. I told him this week that if I would behave the same way about books and handbags that he would kick me out. He appeared not to agree with me!
But the highlight of our TV weekend was the movie 'Rebound'. P had made me change channels after we saw how journalist Russell Crow (gosh smelling a story and going after the facts seems so much more excited then what I do at a daily basis!)and Ben Affleck (politics, power and money are a deadly combination when it comes down to friendship) in action. I was tempted to call it the night after that 'State of Play' but P convinced me by telling me that was going to a 'nice' one to watch.
P & I differ in many ways and also when it comes down to our preference of movies. So I was sceptic! Especially when I saw Mrs Douglas filling up the screen. Catherine Zeta Jones plays in this one a mature divorcee with two young children finding back the right paste in her live. In my honest opinion was the synopsis P gave me not the most promising one. But I stayed put and did crawl under a nice blanket to keep the cold out of my system. And thankfully I did.
I am not going to give you away everything but I even started to note down oneliners. The best was when P&I started to LOL at the exact same moments or when I saw P almost crawling over the couch. We both were totaly relaxed and got into this nice littly story of two people falling in love. Okay one does look like he still has got to graduate from high school and the other did for sure got some plastic surgery done to still look like that after all that time.
The thing is that we perhaps all once have been on the rebound and that even some of us are in the process of moving out of somewhere to get things back in order. Not that I think that most of my friends who have decided to move on without the man they first embarked with on the life cruise but then decided to disembark are searching now for a younger lad to share their lives with. This story is about so much more then just two 'lost' people who find out where they belong.
Yes I must say that the character Aram is my type of guy. He reads Harry Potter, can entertain children by goofing around, watches 'Top Chef' in order to pick up ideas for a nice dinner and can sing a song before bed time. A very hard guy to resist. P his best comment was when the end credits where rolling over the screen:'Hey, do you get this? Why are they broadcasting such a cute movie at such a late hour? Is it because of the 25 having intercourse with a 40 year old? She does look 25 herself in this one!'
Last night we had a very good night on the couch and we think that Sandy and Aram do deserve to fill up a cold, wet and windy Autumn night.
P.S.: And because it is a bit stronger then myself, just a few oneliners to get you into this one:
- 'What a nanny??? You are not from Trinidad but from upper Manhattan!' - 'You have got a perfect posture!' (the best compliment you can get from a chiropractor on a first date!) - 'I love theories! They make me all horny!' - 'Don't you want to travel around the world, go crazy, rock Cleveland?'
There is so much I want to write about. There are so many emotions that are for the moment active inside of me. There is so much joy around of me that it is contagious. There are so many good friends to share to good times with. There is still the home that I can return home to. There is the sun that fires me up. There is white wine and bottles of champagne chilling in the fridge just in case that you might pass by. There is my little camera with the visible proof that the last few weeks were for sure unforgetable. There is my pair of pink ballerina shoes with which I danced with for hours under the stars. There is my tube of sun screen that I applied with a big smile on my face. There is the smell of spring flowers when I walk through my mum's house. There is my huge collection of chocolate waiting to be dived into. There is my lovely other significant one who looks awesome in his new blue shirts. There is my godchild E who made me 'smile with my liver'. There is the sound of birds when walk to the bakery for freshly baked croissants. There is the needle that hits my chi. There is the breathtaking golden treasure of Tut. There is the ride in the nice car of P. There are the colorful trees filled up with cottonballs and ready to huged. There is little iPod Nano that spiced up my life music wise. There is my metro ticket that brought me to some nice places in Brussels. There is my stack of books that still enables to surprise me. There is red of delicious sweet strawberries on my t-shirt. There is my new wardrobe that proofs that I did 'change' a bit. There are sandals lying in to hall ready to be tripped over. There is the smell of barbecue in the air when I open the window in the evening. There are purple and yellow tulips brightening up my living room. There is A who wakes me up with a big kiss on my nose. There is so much..... to be grateful for on this very sunny Easter morning.
One look over my shoulders and I can for sure state that was one incredible nice Spring break. Today we celebrate life and new beginnings. I believe that the paschal mystery is something we humans can experience inside of ourselves. Besides all the misery and pain and other troubles that show up in our dialy lives there is this undefinable power inside of us that can lift us up. Today I am very grateful for what I have received in my life. Yes, I kept my lentpromise that I would only start to enjoy chocolate on this particular day. So Easter bunny you better show up very soon because this year it is not only A who can't wait to start egg racing!
Zeven jaar zijn het al dat je met papa en mij samen de wereldbol aan het ontdekken bent.
Nog iedere dag ben ik heel blij dat je zo flink was daar in je warme couveuse. Nog iedere dag kan je me doen lachen en kan je de grootste onweerswolken in het hoofd van je mama laten verdwijnen. Nog iedere dag sta ik er van te kijken met welke kracht je het leven vastgegrepen hebt en niet meer wilt loslaten. Nog iedere dag ben ik heel fier op jij dat je al zo snel op eigen kracht door het leven wou 'ademen'. Nog iedere dag ben ik heel fier dat je gewoon het leven op je laat afkomen met een grote glimlach. Nog iedere dag ben ik heel dankbaar dat wanneer je dicht tegen me aan kruipt ik me ook aan je mag verwarmen. Nog iedere dag glimlach ik als ik je onder de dekens zie kruipen met je beestenboel en heel goed weet welke knuffel jou de eerste 6 weken gezelschap heeft gehouden. Nog iedere dag sta ik er van te kijken hoe je ogen kunnen me beter naar het leven kunnen laten kijken.
Nog iedere 23 februari denk ik met een lach en traan terug aan die eerste kreetjes die toen als muziek in de oren klonken. Kreetjes die het begin aankondigde van iets dat me nu iedere dat gezelschap houdt en ik hééééél graag zie!
En ik hoop dan ook echt dat al de wensen die je me daarstraks niet wou vertellen echt mogen uitkomen!
Hééél véééél dikke knuffels en zoenen van je
MAMA
P.S.: We hadden niet veel dingen klaar toen je even 9 weken vroeger besloot te komen piepen. Maar een geboortekaartjes hadden we wel en daar stond een EENDJE op! Dus daarom deze afbeelding bij deze 'blogpost'.
P.S.: En 7 jaar later ga je serieus uit je bol op de muziek van deze 'eenden'! En ik denk als we dit op je verjaardagsfeestje opzetten dat je de dansvloer helemaal zult innemen!
'I want that box of Lego and not that one for my birthday!', A pointed on the iPad to the biggest box I had ever seen! 'Yeah, right! Don't you think that is a bit to much to ask for 1 birtday?',and I added then my so classic sentence that I even use in supermarkets when A is trying to catch up with me while holding on to a big box of Lego he desperately wants:'I also want so many things, and I also can't have all of them!' On top of that I am thinking things:'You better get used to that!' or 'In your dreams!' His face tells me that then war is on. Next I start ignoring him and point towards the toy department where he should put back that gigantic box. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HIM....
Because in four more nights it is A his 7th birthday. For sure a joyful occassion. After all I am so amazed by the fact how fast life is goes on. One look at that blond little ('I am not little anymore! I am 6!') angel (hm,hm!!) who is showing in the kitchen his coolest dance move while I try to combine kitchen utensils with dancing, makes my heart smile. When he in the mornings crawls into our bed,while I am still trying to face my bad morning mood he is already fired up and ready to 'attack' the world and 'conquer' it in A-style. He is my closest ally and at the same time he is the boss in this house.
Still, this time of the year does always take me back to the beginning of the whole A-adventure. Not the most glorious time of my life. It even scared the hell out of me. Not that I talk a lot about those five days. At the time I just did what doctors told me to do and even what P instructed me to do. This all without questioning anything they did, the tests they ordered or meds they pumped into me. Seemed to be rather on automatic pilot and every hour that A and I managed to hold on did count.
So when I then suddenly faced myself not being in control anymore, I did panic but I never showed. It is the weirdest sight to see your own body having convulsions. 'Just stop doing that! Can't be that hard to make your legs stop trembling!' I even remember that every time an army of docs walked in to check up on me that I realy tried hiding those shaky legs and arms under the white covers. 'Come on, you can do this! You are the boss of your own body!', I was yelling at he inside. But they went first for my hands and legs like they already knew what I was facing.
The convulsions are also the ultimate reason why I was pulled over the line not to have an other kid. Because I do admit here now that I do have sometimes still 2nd thaughts about that decission. But I am one of these girls who sticks to her guns once she has made up her mind or has been given good advice by people who have tons of degrees hanging on their walls. I listen and take in and then I reflect. Not that I make up easily my mind. On top of that I trust the people who tell me what the consequences can be of a certain choice I make. And I always listen very carefully and it can hunt me for days and not leave my mind.
But there are moments it stings and that I also once more want to walk on Avenue de Louise with that stylish Bugaboo pram and picking out once more those cute little baby outfits. On top of that I am so convinced that A would be a great brother. On his report card his teacher even pointed out that he is so nice with other kids (especially the smaller ones) and even cares for them.
'Mummy, one day I am going to be a big brother!', he sometimes tells me when he walks into the kitchen. This breaks my heart. It still does. Not that we have not tried to explain to him why this is even less atainable then the biggest box Lego there is out there in the Lego Universe. A seems very aware of the fact that he was a premature baby. The Playmobil incubator was a great help to show him and he takes out many times his baby pics. Then he tells me many stories that we have told him. His favorite one:'Mummy, did you know that I one day while dad was changing my tiny diaper I just shit (pardon my language!) under the whole incubator.' He just loves that one and then LOL for minutes.
So yes, for the moment I have a bit second thaughts about a certain decission I made 4 years ago. It does not help that I am running into tons of cuties. My godchild E is into this lovely phase that she starts to smile and becomes aware of the world surrounding her. And when I heared our Spanish niece A who suddenly showed up out of the blue for a surprise visit (I love that kind of surprises!!! I do!!!) talk her first Spanish ('agua'/water) and Dutch ('papa'/daddy) words I just melted.
When then yesterday a colleague walked into my classroom with her 6 month old baby I felt a bit out of tune. I even told her what was bugging me because she knows me so well. 'But why, Stallie?', she asked me and gave me a very puzzling look. 'Because I am so scared that A will be alone when we are gone!', I then told her. I was standing there in the cold hallways of school (hallways that can bring out the best and the worst of me, as it seems!) and feeling rather stupid for telling her. She is also an only child but perhaps I did think that she would understand for sure what I was feeling. Her eyes (and she has major big blue ones!) told me then so much more then words could.
I am happy & grateful that A & I got out of the whole pregnancy and delivery story with not to many visible scars. The ones that ended up at the inside I can hide some days better then others. BUT, just that you know... -Yes, I do consider E, my super duper godchild,a bit more then just a god child. -Yes, I do have some certain days that I would love to imitate Angelina & Bratt. -Yes, I do have still a hard time when I hear people say things like that 'one is none'. -Yes, I do sometimes wonder what I could do with all these eggs that just seem to get wasted while others have such a hard time to conceive. -Yes, I do sometimes feel the odd one out when colleagues/friends talk about pregnancies and mother instict. The first I did not make it through till the very end and the later I had to hold back because I was scared to let it come to the surface. -Yes, I do sometimes still feel guilty that I did not make it into the 40 weeks. Every time docs tell me that something A ended up with is linked to his premature state my heart does break and do I wish I could have prevented it. -Yes, I do envy those women who end up having normal pregnancies and have their babies with them from the moment on they are born. -And yes, I do want sometimes something that I better can't have....
I guess that this is all just a phase that I need to go through once a year. Many perhaps wonder if it does not get a bit eassier with time. Uhm, in a way it becomes part of who I am, my life line. In a matter of speaking I try making up for this longing by caring, loving, looking after & spoiling other babies/children. That is also why I still love my profession as a teacher that much. And that one gigantic box of Lego that A longs for? That is going to have to stay a bit longer where I think it should: in his dreams! But you never know, do you?
P.S.: I did not realy find a very fitting piece of music to go along with this entry. So I went with one of these songs on which A & I just go insane when it is on. And this anywhere and anytime! And when this is one while being in the car with P, he needs to put up with a lot more then he bargained for: Stallie singing totaly off key!
P.S.2: If I come to think of it : this songs does fit with this entry. 'Release me. Release my body, I know it is wrong, so why do I keep coming back?'
'Did you dissapear, or what?', M asked me over the phone. I did color red when she asked me. We normally manage to see each other once a week. It took me so long to make friends where I got to settle down but M is for sure one of these people that has made it a bit eassier on me. So that I have not seen her the last three weeks is not that okay. Our weekly lunch is almost as important as a therapy session and I even get to extinguish fires when I am close to her. ;-))
But hey, I have been rather busy. Okay, lately I am more into Twitter then Facebook and she is on there as well. So if she wishes to she can try to keep up with me through that channel. But okay, the real thing you just can't replace by a million tweets. So I am guilty of neglecting some people out there but I do want to point out that I have not forgotten you.
Still I have been living life in the fastlane! And even inspiration-wise I got so badly hit that my head is spinning most of the time. I wish the take a sabbatical and just write day and night. But because of many obvious reasons like (hairdresser, beautician, sales, bookshops, phonebill,etc) I just keep rolling my cool 'Mandarina Duck' officecase on wheels (one of these awesome stylish gifts of P!) filled up with new ideas to entertain young and old into work.
These two last weeks I just seem to have gotten so much under my skin that it itches. I can start smiling during(sometimes rather serious) meetings but at the same time be very focused. On top of that I would love to hug the person sitting next to me. Other less frequent popping up symptoms: running through the halls of school, dance through my classroom (most of the time when pupils have left the building!), jump of tables to get a certain message across, going into meetings on days that I am not to even suppose to work but do not mind,... I could go on for hours.
People who read very carefully this blog know that I am very big believer in mindfullness. Last year during my educational advisor adventure I got the honor to meet up with the chief editor of Klasse (the national teacher's magazine), Leo Bormans who gave chat about 'Happiness'. It was during that one talk that I went through so many emotions.
This guy managed to make me LOL, smile, tremble, shiver, shake my head and cry. Not for a single sec I got bored. Okay, Leo is a very gifted storyteller and he is able to wrap up a story in the right kind of paper so that you want to pick it up and read it but the side-effects of that one talk went way beyond this.
This week I sensed for that in my mind I just got the right emotions going on, like: -that I was alive and kicking, -that I was so glad to be still around, -that I for sure am content, -that I live in the present, -that I am grateful for what I have been given and have, -that I feel at ease -that I am loved and can love
The world I am facing did not stand still the last two weeks and has spit out very touching moments. My mind and heart were so much alive and kicking that it made me so focused. But I also tried to suck out every single meaningful moment and trying to save those precious moments on my 'heart'-disk in order to use them when I will be facing harder and tougher times. Some of these moments (I can not all share them with you, secrecy and such holds me back!) that made me go through emotions that I for sure felt going through my bones:
- my uncle J,almost 90, who kissed me on my cheeks and whispered in my ears:'Be strong!' The guy is a proud former diver of the British Royal Navy and when he looked me in my eyes and pat me on the back I got a major powerboost. Every day that he is still amongst us I truely am grateful for.
-every single 'newborn' who showed his/her best out there. Really, they just kicked my but! But for once because they managed to take care of themselves. Both classes were a real team and took care of each other. I even caught myself starring at them in disbelief!
-Kim Clijsters winning the Australian Open in aussie green and then posing with that impressive cup on the white beach of Melbourne in a nice white dress in the company of her beloved men and daughter Jada. A was so impressed with her that he even made me send a tweet to her. He put his nose against the screen to make sure I had typed every word he had dictated to me! Tonight this lady with a racket put the cherry on the cake by becoming again #1 on the WTA ranking. A comeback of a lifetime that makes me jump up&down for joy!
-Marie Rose passing away, one month after getting married to her soulmate Frank. Yes, tears rolled down my cheek. I found it out by clicking randomly on her website. Some will agree others will disagree how she did try to hold on to life. But not every cancer patient needs to be a Marie Rose. I do know from very up, close and personal that every cancer patient takes along his/her own story. It are the caring words of her webmaster that are still echoing in my head:'Wees goed voor wie u dierbaar is!' ('Do good to those who you hold dear!') This week I hugged A many times just out of the blue and he hugged me back. P I had to chase after to give him hug or kiss but that is just my guy!
-The people of Egypt taking a stand and not giving in. My Juniors wanted to know what was going on there. I told them that these are very fascinating times and that the Egyptians are finding the strength in themselves to take a stand and change things for the better. Takes guts. While watching the news I get shivers down my spine and can I feel that out there is something very strong at work. This is history in the making and I got to take a peek at.
- Fixing my 4 doc appointments that I have been postphoning for weeks. When I walked into my GP's office I wondered why I had waited so long. He put my mind to a rest but he was wondering why I had to jump of tables! 'S, I don't understand this! You are a teacher, is that part of the job description?' 'Uhm, I guess it is a Stallie thing!' 'Yeah, I already figured that one out by myself!' By the time I left I felt ZEN.
- A who ran into the bathroom one morning and when he saw me sitting on a chair started to rub me and smiled at me, saying:'Here you go, mummy, a massage!' LOL and all my dark thaughts and headache got chased away. P thinks that this then takes care of the physiotherapy that my GP has prescribed me. LOL! Yeah right P! As long as you don't have to do it!
- Justine Henin saying goodbye to her beloved centercourt. Her farewell tweet made me stare blank at my computer screen. I bet that not only her elbow is hurting for the moment. I do then also respect her decission. But that unique & perfect performed backhand will be missed for sure.
-Nicola's Bookclub down in Brussels took me back into our old neighbourhood. Every time when I drive by our old apartment a certain spot in my heart is activated. And finally after all these years I got to park my little car under Flagey! What a bliss! For once I had not to drive around for hours to find a parking spot. While I was standing in the middle of Flagey square I took a good look at the surroundings and it was like I came home.
-The ladies at the bookclub and of course Nicola turned the book club into a very nice chat about a book that I granted the highest score of the season: 9/10. Nobelprize winner Coetzee his 'Disgrace' made me feel rather humble. And yes, N 'Waiting For The Babarians' was read-torture when we were at college but I guess getting older makes you appreciate certain things more then when you were younger.
-Twilighting S! Yeah, I did a once more and in way I was amazed by the effect of it. S is one of my fellow bookclub diehards. I borrowed her my copy of 'Twilight':'Just in case, that you would change your mind and nothing else is lying around in the house to read.' Well, three weeks later we had lunch and she just sat there flabergasted and just could not stop raving about what 'Twilight' had done to her. She read all four books and even stayed up very late in order to read! I smiled the whole lunch and relived some of those moments I went through when I read the books for the very first time.
-Getting evicted out of your own house in the mornings when the very energetic workforce armed with brushes walks in and occupies the house in a split second. Now that we are almost at the end of their stay I have admit they even made me smile. Every time when P or I asked something it was always the same guy talking back and he only seemed to know one sentence:'Pas probleme, madame/monsieur!' But we doubt that they always understood fully what we asked for. When we watched last night 'Despicable Me' we both had to LOL because these nice guys sounds a great deal like Gru! I had a very hard time this morning to keep a straight face when he walked in this morning. When they talk their language amongst themselves they even remind me of these cute minions.
-Me losing weight! Yes, I needed to do so badly. And on Monday I am going to make the comeback to the swimmingpool. It is going to hurt and be very cold. But I am on a mission and for a once I have put my heart into it. I want to do this for myself and not to please someone else. Not that I don't like to make others happy but it is my life and I only get one shot at it. I better try to live it the healthy way. And I badly want to get back on the dancefloor and ski down black color coded slopes and then I need my muscles to get a bit stronger. My water bottle is for the moment then also my closest companion and I try to ignore every bakery. Hard, but I manage. I just don't know what will happen when I walk into N her neighbourhood and pass by the cute cupcake place 'Lilycup'. Perhaps then a restrain order is the only way keep me out of there!
AND SO TONIGHT I GO DANCING! Not in my classroom or in my kitchen. Nope! My colleague and friend F kept on bugging (even in blog comments!) to come along to this place she hangs out on the dancefloor. It will be the first time since I became a mother that I go back to dance in public, to give into the rhytm, to let the music get under my skin, trying to put my emotions into movement and just let go. I have danced on wedding receptions but then I even hold back for many reasons. So tonight, the ultimate test will take place and I am bit anxious about it. But I am already very grateful to F that she kept on pushing me a bit. I can 't wait to go on. The first steps and movements will be the hardest but then...
P.S. 1: On Saturday Egypt will wake up in a Mubarak free nation and will Marie Rose Morel her funeral take place. So to speak are birth and dead very close on this Saturday morning I am sure that we will still hear a lot about the Egyptians and that even Marie Rose Morel will leave behind an everylasting mark on the lives of many but starting tomorow I will not mention her anymore. At least not on here. There is no need to. But in a way Marie Roos and Frank their love managed to do something even harder to grasp. It had political consequences. Let us face it, just the two of them were able to do what many outside the party tried to do so hard but always failed at. Even the extreme right winged political party they were both leading members of was be amazed by the power of this. Bet they had not seen this one coming! I guess in then end it is always love and it's undeniable power that has the last word.
There for this news paper quote wraps it up all: 'According to Vanhecke was it love at first sight when he walked into Morel in 2004 out there in the political arena. "Not from her side, but for sure to me it was!, muses the former VB-president. 'To me she was a woman like I had never seen one before in my life. Even during her last days, when she looked bald and emaciated, then she was still to me that beautiful woman. And her joy for life was enorm. We do not need to deny it: Roos was not a saint. She was a very fascinating woman, but she had her bad sides. Like all of us she could be unreasonable. And bad tempered. But to me that all was sent into oblivion when I felt her warmth. At the end our relationship was stripped of all frills and pretense. The last month we have lived a pure and naked existence, in which we only had eye for one thing: making each other happy. And I have been very happy with Roos." (source, Nieuwsblad, 02/10)
P.S.2: And to all those courageous Egyptians walking out there I hope that the future will bring what you all hope for. This is one if for all of you:
Hurray, the painters arrived! Yes, the workforce entered the compound and took possession of the whole house in a record time Bit by bit our house is filling up with rather less nice appealing smells. On top of that am I even unable to communicate with these enthousiastic men armed with brushes and buckets filled up with paint. Yes, they speak a language I do for once not seem to understand. But hey, they get the job done nicely. For as far me, the person blessed with two left hands can judge!
In case you wonder what colors they are bringing into our daily surroundings I don't have groundbreaking news. No, we have not gone through any fierce arguments or long reflection periods about color patterns because P proudly announced one Saturday afternoon that he had already chosen: white only!
The less nice side effects of having an enthousiastic workforce into the house is that I for the last few days seem to be lost a bit inside and outside the house. -I don't sleep well. Our bed is parked in the middle of the bedroom. So I guess you won't be surprised to hear that I even manage to bang into furniture when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. So to my body color I added now blue and purple as well. -I am thinking to much about things that should not be on my mind-list. Uhm, nothing new but the paint fumes seem to make it even worse. And nope, the headaches are still there and this week I was very close to making an appointment with a doc but then A got into the way and one of my secret projects. Still enough excuses to put that one not on the agenda. -I can't seem to find things and this due to the boxes that are still out there. To make it even worse the painters move stuff around. So now some boxes have even disappeared. Scary! Every day it is a big surprise what our house will look like when we enter. 'Hey, mum our house has changed again!', is A his punchline of the week. -I forget many things. One day I even managed to forget my mobile and to put on earrings and that equals double nudity. And for the moment I need my phone more then ever because now that our clock radio is not plugged in we use our mobiles as an alarm. And, boy, do I miss Thomas of StuBru his cynic comments in the morning. I now even freak out more when I meet up with my own reflection in the mirror. I am tempted to give instructions to the painters to cover this reflecting surface also under a layer of white paint! -I don't feel welcome in my own home. Days I am not to supossed to go into work I am kind evicted from our home address. Try then to find other destinations but I most of the time end up at work. Even hang out in my own car waiting for these 'strange' men to leave the house. When I dare to go in while they are still hanging around with white paint I feel that my presence is not preferred. So the neighbours must think I must be even more insane now that I am parked right in front of our own house and stay in there for longer then 20 minutes! And yes I have been dancing in my car with my iPod-nano plugged in or singing along with my newest music asset: Glee, season 1. Don't know if the windows of my Vauxhall/Opel Corsa are soundproof. In case you got your share of the Stallie-produced entertainment it will only one more week of torture ahead of you.
But worst of all is that P and I are restless and that A gets into fits:
1. A hates it that his entertainment zone has vanished under covers and that he can't find that one ultimate lego-brick he needs to finish one of this newly made up construction. And he even announces in the mornings that all his stuffed animals had a very bad night because they had to sleep under his bed! And the moment he could not find the remotecontrol of the TV he started to cry. 'Mum, our TV does not work anymore! They have hidden the remote control!', made me LOL but I had to sweep of some tears.
2. Stallie can't read a single page because she can't lean back against the walls. And so now I have even a harder time to fall asleep. Was so happy that I managed to finish the last book of the Winter Read (YES, Spring is about to arrive on Nicola's Bookclub reading list! Spring!! SPRING!) before the painting force entered. So now I am so tempted to dive into one of these dull brown boxes and try to find that tiny book with Yoga excercises. I already sit in the middle of my bed in order to find my center!
3. P walks in and out as he wishes and announces in between runs, social calls and numerous consultations that he is back on call! When I questioned him about the fact that I can not seem to see any logic in the way this call shedule is put together he just looked at me and said in his typical dry voice:'Hey, I don't mind it is Winter!' Beats me! I then tried to point out very politely that we are with the three of us in this period of Winter.
Yes, so much has happened this week on top of the painters but I seem to have a very hard time to find the perfect blogging spot. Stallie has been in many interesting places and I fell in love once more with her job. But this is an other story which I hope to tell when I face the freshly painted walls of our house. And all our filled up boxes have been unloaded.
Because I bet that once all that white paint is on the walls (and P was so nice to even allow them in on Saturday! AHHHHHHHHH!!!) that I am going to look like them as well: a whiter shade of pale. Uhm, I think I need to pass the Benefit Brow Bar very soon to get pimped up for that rather less colorful period of time! Uhm,seems that painters also seem to qualify as the ultimate shopping excuse! Nice that white color!
P.S.1: This weekend I decided to find a more colorful place to hide out and to dive under with A: my mum's! So in case you see P and his it totaly covered up in white paint then please feed him and let him use your shower!
P.S.2: Annie Lennox her 'A Whiter Shade of Pale' was for me the best song to go along with this entry. A song that holds many happy&intense memories created in Leuven as a post-graduate student & jobstarter and living amongst very focused and a lively bunch of people. People who took care of me and people that took me on some awesome intellectual and fun outings. Still grateful for that very intense period of time.
The second work week of January came to an end. I am about to face one of these weekends that P will be out of the house most of the time. Saturdays he will hide out in his private practice and on Sunday he will be out for work training! Believe it or not but there is work training for busy docs on a Sunday! Uhm, guess that we will only meet up while brushing our teeth and perhaps dinner!
But I had a productive week and I got to meet up with tons of things that made me smile. I am even tempted to state that in some dull brown boxes I did find the energy boost I am always after to get through a busy week.
1. BOOKS. That I had to unload all my cupboards for the painters I did not like. Would even state that it kind of hurt! Especially the fact that the announced workforce did not show up last Monday made me get into a real Twitter-outburst! Tiny little detail: they will come at the end of this month! P even said very spontaneously sorry for this mix up!!!! Wrote that one down in my diary!
But I did meet up with some very nice bookgems. Some of them I would like take over to my bank and then hire one of their high tech security vaults. For the moment it are especially the books illustrated by Rébecca Dautremer of whom I got three books filled up with breathtaking illustrations by her hand. When I dive into them chances are few that you can reach me easily! The one here below is an illustration out of her latest book:'Het geheime dagboek van Klein Duimpje.' Just so gorgeous to look at and one of those books that I do cherish for eternity! And those are some of the books that I will one day hand over to A or E (chances are in a dull brown box!) to take to their own house!
2. POETRY & QUOTES. I have got tons of oneliners in bookform. I do need some of these lines to get through certain moments of my lifeline & daily timeline! And yes I do think that the power of words is still underestimated. Words can make you feel better but can also get you down. This week I did experience both. Once words are put down on paper and can be read by others they do come to live in a different dimension. They are set free and you as a reader are given the priveledge to give your own interpretation to them.
This is also with poetry! One of the rather cute poems I came across while filling up the dull brown boxes is by the hand of Sjoerd Kuyper and to be found in children's book 'Ik blijf altijd bij je!' I am going to tease you and not translating this. You can make use of Google Translate trying to find out what it is about but this one would be for sure a very fitting one for Bella Swan to write down on a card for Edward Cullen!
Blozen
Ik hou niet zo van bloed, jij wel? Ik hou het liever in mijn vel. Daar zit het goed, mijn bloed.
Het enige wat ik graag zie is een klein korstje op mijn knie, waaraan ik op een luie dag lang en voorzichtig pulken mag.
Nee, ik wil nooit meer bloeden. En ik wil nooit meer blozen. Maar als ik jou zie! Ja, wat dan? Dan bloeien alle rozen.
3. HISTORY: My all time favorite subject that I took in any school, college and university (and this globally) I have ever been to was history. I have to admit here openly that is for me the subject I miss the most not able to teach for the moment. So I do own tons of books that tell historical facts or are inspired historical persons or events. One of the most cherished history books that I own I was given by my beloved grandmother for my 21st birthday. When I read some its pages I do feel history resting in my hands: Ἱστορίης ἀπόδεξις! (I bet there is one of my faithful readers who is able to translate this one! ;-)) by the hand of the father of the historical database: Herodotus! Especially the passages where Darius & Alexander meet up! And then there is this awesome scene in one of my 'coep de coeur' movies & books 'The English Patient' where Katherine, played by the superb Kristin Scott Thomas, adds a special touch to this rather oldie!
(One of my British all time favorite actors Colin Firth in there as well! And my perfect 'Mr Darcy' won this week a Golden Globe and I am very happy for him!!!! And now Colin, you go for that Oscar!! 50 is a great age to win that funny statue!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dCLQWW7GQo (copy&paste this one!)
4. MUSIC: Our house is filled up with tons of dull brown boxes and they are in the way! Our curtains have been taken down and our walls have been stripped naked and so for the moment our house is not the most cozy place to hang out. But one advantage it does bring along is that the empty space offers to do other fun things. And the last few days we have taken full advantage of this by dancing through our house. P is the best DJ ever and thanks to the bluetooth soundsystem we have got upstairs we even manage to dance all the way into the bathroom. Believe it or not but the dancing did seem to work for the mindfullness I am after! But every time A came up with this personal request P&I wanted to put in some earplugs!
So #1 according to A in order to dive into the bathtub and then imitate a rodent and shake up the house: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLxhuICUZbc.
P&I are for the moment trying to come up with a waterproof plan to make the DVD of 'Alvin & the Chipmunks' disappearing out of our house! So far no luck because A even takes the case up to his bedroom!
So #1 according to our inhouse doc:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezXxBY1AWfU
And he goes all the way on this one and he even forgets to follow up his own strict health regulations when this comes out of the speakers. I can assure you when he is out there in his nice pair of jeans, very cool blue shirt and his curls are waving into all directions that this girl just starts to move along and feels very happy!
SO #1 according to Stallie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Fkxo7EsVOI
This girl (who also got her hair cut this week and got two thumbs not only by P also by her fantastic co-workers!) then starts to make silly movements and is very tempted to put on every single silly or fancy head she has got out there in some of the dull brown boxes! And yes, I did lost it due to this whole boxes-thingy! But for the moment I try to get the most positive energy boost out of them! This music manages to chase away for a few seconds the rathr dull and cold atmosphere that is looming around in our house!
5.SECRET PROJECTS:
Uhm, what can I tell about these because there are few? Well not much because then they are no secrets any longer. One made me go back to that one place where I last year got so dillussioned but seem to be granted an other go! And I love it out there! It is there I get my major energy boost and seem to find out why I did choose for education above all other great things there was to choose from! The other one is of a total different order and it something that will take some time to come to live. But I am working at it.
6. COMEBACKS & NEWCOMERS:
COMEBACK of the week: GARFIELD! A is totally obsessed by him and this thanks to his awesome godmother N who gave him the movie as a xmas-present. I even broke out in sheer laughter because some of the rather funny scenes. A is even wondering what will happen if he would try to eat as much lasagne as Garfield! And so I even digged up one of these little books I have with Garfield cartoons. Here above you can find one that makes me LOL.
NEWCOMERS of the week are MY 'SPECIAL' JUNIORS, who had to get ready to face the real world and leave on Monday for their very first job placement training. Most of them are very nervous and even are doubting if they will manage. I wish them good luck next week when they for the first time in their lives will be on their own and having to cope with the daily ingredients of the working force. I have faith in them and these girls have got for sure some FIREWORK in them! So girls, this one is especially for you:
In case you are wondering if I am totally obsessed with 'Twilight' and do not seem to notice anything else worthwhile out there in the 'arty-farty'-world then I want to assure you by this entry. I am a 'Capricorn' and in many ways very conventional and stick to many traditional stuff. Yes, I must admit that this 'Twilight'-thingy is a bit more then just a phase but it also triggers my urge to travel back into time literature-wise. Then I dive into my boxes filled up with dusty college books and then check out the books that are way in the back of my cupboard. Hidden treasures then start popping up in our house!
While browsing around on the internet (searching for a suitable quote for our xmas-card) I came across to a very special illusterous poet: Percy Byssche Shelley! One who has got to honor to have one of those breathtaking Memorials! When you will by accident ever walk by while walking around on the campus of Oxford University you will be silenced by this one! It is such a powerful marble statue! If you have got the time to spare you should sit down there and take a break. And let the marble speak for itself!
If you wonder who Shelley is, you can best google him. A very nice reference site is: www.online-literature.com and then search for Percy Shelley. Here you can read up on him, his life and work. Seemed that this guy had a preference for the dramatic and romantic way of treating life. Many notorious & famous British men had the honor to call him a friend. Friendship was to Shelley very important! It even caused him financial heartaches once in a while.
For a guy who lived in the 19th century he was rather a rebel, a man with outspoken opinions, a political activist, an atheist, a traveller, a true romantic soul, and much more. I challenge you to read up on him because what you will find out about him does make him an exceptional poet. What do I like best about Shelley? Well, perhaps that his poems are so well structured and have such a depth! That he choose his words so well and ..... Hey, check this out for yourself. Because in the case of literature, poetry, art and music we don't have to agree at all. I just try to point out that knowing your classics can still brighten up your day!
And no, I have not intently picked this poem because of a certain vampire word! Nope, this is just a coincidence! Although, if I come to think of it.... I can picture Edward Cullen reciting this to his Bella at the end of'New Moon'! You don't need to agree with me! Uhm,... I am tempted now to go on that Shelley might have bumped into Carlisle Cullen at the time! LOL! If not in London then in Italy! And the biggest coincidence: they are both vegetarians! Just coincidences! Don't you love such coincidences!?
'O Mary dear, that you were here With your brown eyes bright and clear. And your sweet voice, like a bird Singing love to its lone mate In the ivy bower disconsolate; Voice the sweetest ever heard! And your brow more... Than the ... sky Of this azure Italy. Mary dear, come to me soon, I am not well whilst thou art far; As sunset to the sphered moon, As twilight to the western star, Thou, beloved, art to me.
O Mary dear, that you were here; The Castle echo whispers 'Here!'
—“To Mary” (1818)
P.S.: HINT HINT!!! Poetry by Shelley could be the perfect romantic xmasgift. Wrap it in nice giftpaper and then a big red bow around it! I would die for such a gift and the side effects of such a xmas-gift are not suitable for publication! LOL
P.S.2: In case you wonder who the beauty in this picture is. I don't know! This painting is by John Godward, a neo-classic painter. Would love to have a reproduction of this in my office! Idea for a birthdaypresent!
For the moment I am to busy to write a long blogentry. I would love to linger around but I don't seem to be able. Last week the Comenius team was back in action and this time we had the whole international bunch over for 4 to 6 days. Meaning that P, A & I were only meeting up in the mornings! Or I even got stuck in Mechelen because of snow.
I had a real good time during the project week. Stress and tired I was as well. And yes, I even crashed once behind closed doors because I once more found out that I just can't manage to keep all living souls happy. But by Saturday morning while walking all by myself through awakening Brussels I felt so much more alive and did I experience that one feeling I would love to bottle and pass out while walking around through stress-country.
Like mentioned before I am bubble wrapped and I refuse to get unwrapped! Already I have been challenged a few times. On top of this I am under attack by germs and virusses. And you will see that by the time P is on his way to NYC for one of the medical congress that I will badly be in need of Carlisle Cullen. My ears hurt and most of the staff and pupils I run into are sneezing and spread around their fun! Try to hide but even the flu shot I got a few months ago won't be able to protect me from all harm. So I am trying to face the enemy!
Still, the world around is wrapping itself up for the Holidays. A is already singing xmas-carols. He even doesn't mind to do this while running around in a shop wearing only his underwear. I was about to freak out but then this 6y old was having such a good time and looked so happy with this undestroyable sparkle in his eyes! P even hold me back when I wanted to do intervention.
But the stress is still all around. People start to get anxious and loose it sometimes. I have seen, eperienced and felt it so close by and then I badly want to hug many to set the stress free. Yes, Stallie feels then so much like Esme Cullen who is about to hug to death the whole globe. I would love to make other see that compassion (uhm, Carlise Cullen is always looming around the corner) and love should be given some more air time.
It is like the unconditional tokens of love that A gives me. The many stolen kisses, the unexpected hugs in front of the school gate, the kisses he throws into air for me to catch, the smiles he shows when he sees me after school or when I feed him pasta and the content face I get to enjoy while he is about to fall asleep. It is that I get fueled up and try to hold on to the force that has to get me through the day. A day that starts dark and cold and will end in the same setting.
Many times I feel so sad not to be able to share that one split second that I do feel the energy and that my mind is fully aware of what matters the most. That I am able to put things in the right perspective. That I am so much alive and kicking that I could scream it from the roof tops! I then don't want to be selfish I then badly want to share and pass on all I have got and experience. Because I want to keep this feeling alive as long as possible.
And yes, you can't deny it, even you, you out there who is perhaps most of the time wrapped into turmoil and seems to be over at the dark side knows what I am talking about. It might only come up to the surface when we expect it the least and in most cases it overwhelms us. It can happen anyplace, anywhere and at anytime. But it is so unpredictable that when we are confronting it that before we know it already is gone what is left is the memory. Precious moments of pure happiness that we only have been sharing with few and forn just a few minutes.
To make sure that I get my message across I post here the blog-entry that Youp Van 't Hek wrote a few days ago. While reading it I smiled and travelled back to a some very awesome moments that I had the last few weeks. Okay, the ultimate test will to make to the last week before xmasbreak and keep up the spirit! You can be sure that when I want to touch you, hug you, give you a compliment, wink at you, pat you on the shoulder, pass on some piece of advice that all I try to do is share the ultimate bliss so that you make it safely into the holidays.
So please forgive me when I will point out once in a while that you need to try harder, to push your own limits, have a bit more patience or tell you that you just can't give up or just can't choose the easy way out. The world out there deserves people who once in a while try harder and push their limits, show their full potential! You can rest assured that I will cheer you all on! So keep hanging on!
"Hoogmis
Omdat ik erbij was. Daarom weet ik dat het waar is. Dat het echt gebeurd is. Dat het geen droom was. Niet een of andere vreemdsoortige hallucinatie. Geen paddotrip. Niks van dat al.
Het is echt gebeurd. Helemaal echt. Ben er nog steeds duizelig van. Duizelig van de poëtische kant van de zaak. De pure schoonheid. De niet te omschrijven snelheid. Het onnavolgbare schouwspel. Mijn ogen schreeuwden ooohhh en aaahhh, terwijl mijn mond zweeg van verbazing. Ik beet soms in mijn hand. Eerst zacht, later wat harder. Ik keek naar mijn buurman. Hij lachte. Ik lachte. En we zagen dat iedereen ons nadeed. Iedereen lachte. Of deden wij iedereen na? Ik weet het niet.
De vrolijkheid begon ergens en sloeg vanzelf over op ons allemaal. Vlug? Eigenlijk al na één minuut. Het zinderde. Gaf kippenvel. Een rug vol huiver. Prettige huiver. Het deed me aan topgerechten denken. Die smaaksensatie. Een mooie ontploffing in je mond. Of aan een boek dat je niet weg kunt leggen. Een boek waarin de bladzijden zichzelf omslaan. Of een circusact. Iets spectaculairs met acrobaten. Of een vrouw. Een beeldschone vrouw. Onbereikbaar gracieus. Je hart zucht, je buik kriebelt, je hersens jeuken. Of een feest. Een feest met de juiste mensen, de juiste muziek die je jong maakt. Zo jong dat je benen vanzelf gaan dansen. Of een stukje Callas in haar hoogtijdagen. Een aria die door je ziel snijdt. Of een onschuldig kind dat onverstaanbaar vrolijk brabbelt en daardoor zo verschrikkelijk de waarheid spreekt.
Ik kan het niet anders omschrijven dan zo. Ik moet het kwijt en kan het niet kwijt. Omdat het letterlijk en figuurlijk onbeschrijflijk is. Wie er bij was was er bij. En alleen zij begrijpen wat ik bedoel. De geur, het lawaai, de sensatie, de saamhorigheid, de lach, de schoonheid, de overtreffende trap.
Het was op tv. Velen hebben het daar gezien. En ook zij vonden het mooi. Heel mooi zelfs.
Maar ze waren er niet echt bij. Ze voelden niet de regendruppels die zich in de loop van de avond aanpasten en aangenaam lauw werden. Heerlijke douche. Zij zagen niet de vogels die met duizenden tegelijk boven het gebeuren gingen hangen om te zien of het echt waar was. Het was waar. Echt waar. En niemand hoorde de muziek die ik hoorde. Het tweede deel van het pianoconcert van Ravel. Op die goddelijke muziek werd het ballet uitgevoerd. Was het een ballet? Nee! En ja! Ja, het was een ballet. Een schitterend ballet. En dat was het ook weer niet. Niet officieel althans. Ik zag het als ballet.
Waar dit stukje over gaat? Over iets waar ik bij was. En waar ik euforisch over ben. Of u er ook heen kunt? Nee, want het wordt niet herhaald. Omdat dat niet kan. Ja, je kunt de herhaling op televisie zien, maar dan is de prik van de champagne. Je moest het live zien. Zien en horen. Horen en voelen.
Zacht geloofde ik weer even in god. Voorzichtig. Niet echt. Maar ik dacht even dat god met een joystick op een wolk zat. Ik heb de hemel afgetuurd om dat te controleren. Maar ik zag niemand.
Mijn zoon was er bij. Hij en ik waren samen. En hoeven elkaar vanaf nu alleen nog maar aan te kijken. Meer niet. De blik is genoeg. Onze ogen glimmen elkaar toe. Onze monden moeten vanzelf lachen. We kunnen niet anders. En we nemen het mee. Lichte bagage voor de rest van ons leven. Vederlichte bagage. Te tillen met onze wimpers. In moeilijke dagen zullen we er op teren. Teren op de herinnering aan die avond. Die avond in november 2010. Die zinderende maandagavond.
Onze hoofden zullen zich regelmatig vol neuriën, onze harten kloppen dan ritmisch mee en onze voeten zullen dansen zonder dat iemand het ziet. We waren bij de hoogmis. De absolute hoogmis. En kijken sprakeloos terug op afgelopen maandag. Barcelona – Real Madrid. Camp Nou. Vijf nul! Amen."
(bron: Youp Van t' Heck, NRC-Handelsblad, 4 december 2010)
P.S.: I choose Scratch of Ice Age as a very fitting image to go along with this blogentry. He never gives up and when he finally gets his hands on that one special nut he seems to be so happy that he starts glow! He holds on to his dreams and he acts according to this!
P.S.2: I choose my favorite song (for the moment I play this while I drive to work and home and face the cold morning & evening) by Marco Borsato. It is in Dutch. But is about 'Dreaming, Dare,Do & Share'
A & his godmother N that is always guaranteed fun! So when when N her P ended up spending the weekend in Paris and Stallie her P ended up spending a long Saturday amongst coworkers (being a moderator and imitating Nemo!) we decided to grant 'the A' an extra day filled up with fun. So around five we entered the huge movie complex of Kinepolis to go and watch finally 'that movie about those little yellow men that make pics of their ***'. Because when asked A if he knew something about the movie we were planning to go and see that was the short synopsis he gave!
A loves going to the movies. He was even more into the whole 3D-experience then his godmother. Also the prospect of having a whole bucket of popcorn and a huge funcup filled up to the brim with his favorite pop made him feel even more excited. So N was scoring big time when she picked us up! By the time we finally obtained the special 3D-glasses and took possession of our booked ahead seats A had already emptied half of his popcorn and most of pop as well!
To make sure that A was not going to be a major disturbance during the show I made him go twice to the smallest room! The sight of the little blond guy in a blue sweater and wearing those funny looking glasses and once in a while giving very out loud comments about that movie were just hilarious to make me LOL! But I got a crack out those little yellow 'Minions' and also Agnes made me just crawl over the floor. I was having fun and even the many hidden messages and double meanings made it for me a real nice time out!
When looked who was sitting next to me I saw a little guy moving around in this seat and a very fashionable N who seemed to have problems with those glasses. I had once read an article that there are some people whose eyes can't manage the whole 3D experiene. Not that she gave up but her eyes would not be grateful afterwards. A was moving up and down in his seat. ANTS IN MY PANTS!!! When I asked him if he had to go he said he just could not go NOW! I was kind of proud that he was for once not the disturbing little mignon!
So when the break came he made a run for the toilets. I was even not allowed to go with him. In a flash he was back and jumping back into his seat. There are moments as a mum that you want to make use of some science fiction equipment. And this was such a moment! Once again it was the cool & quick thinking godmother who saved the day by coming up with style advice!
By the time the yellow mignons showed their final tricks and the credits were passing along A was dressed up for combat and ready to face the Saturday crowth of the European capital! Try to picture two 'young' ladies walking through a touristic area of Brussels with a kid wearing a very long brown winterjacket and very funny brown hat! And wearing no pants! It was very hard to keep my face straight. Every time that A caught me smiling or LOL he said:'This is not supossed to be funny, you know?'
The walk to the carpark was one I will not forget that easily because A refused to walk! I had to carry him whole the way to the car! I tried to make no eyecontact whith anyone we met on our way. 'Dispicable Me' will go into our personal family history as the movie where none of us kept it dry! You can be sure we will get this one on DVD! Thanks as well N for this very nice day out!
P.S.: SPOILER-ALERT in case you are still planning to go and see the movie: DON'T READ ON! This week is National Storytelling Week in Belgium! So I do love this part in the movie! And I also believe strongely in telling stories before bedtime! And when we came out of the theater it was full moon and I was happy it was still there. A was very down to earth when Gru tried to steal the moon:'Mum, you can not do that! Stealing the moon! It is to big!'
A few weeks ago one tiny article in the newspaper caught my eye. It said that Prince Charles had invited the parents of Kate Middleton over for a hunting party. According to this article this was a major deal because hunting in the company of British Royals is not just hunting! Nope, it is the big deal! The sign you are waiting for because it the final curtain call! Once parents get that one invitation they know it will not just be game and tea that they get served.
So the signs were out! I was picturing Kate her parents dressed up for the hunt driving down in one of those typical Green Land Rover & feeling rather nervous as well. Bet that the British tabloids were hiding out along the road to catch a glimpse of the future inlaws of William!
Hey, after 8 years dating a Royal prince and having been spotted all over the place with him & chased by tabloid journalists, reading tons of insane stuff about yourself wherever she was buying a newspaper Kate was also wondering when the time would be there to tell the rest of the world that the royal wedding was on! The girl had already got the taste of what it was going to be like once they would plant a tiara on her head! Life would never be the same once William would slip that rock around her manicured finger!
Eight years that was what it took to make the Royal Prince pack his bags head with Kate to Africa and after three weeks of tracking around in Kenia (he had to hold on to that engagement ring very close the whole time!) to pop the final question! There were close friends travelling along! So they were to first to get the worldbreaking scoop for once and not family or the tabloids. William admited that he had not asked Kate her dad first because he was afraid of being denied the hand of his Kate! Funny!
When the news was made officially Charles was asked what he thought about his son future marriage:'Well, they have been practising long enough!' Guess that was something that he never was granted. Diana was 19 at the time when he proposed to her and in one flash turned her into the most photographed Royal of the world. We all know were that Royal Wedding finally ended? By the time William was about to get out of puberty he already had lost his closest ally when dealing with matters of the heart!
So while he was browsing through the high stacks of artbooks out there at Saint Andrews University and crossing, in the hallways of his dormitory, the mysterious and spontaneous looking Kate there must have been something in the air, something that made the difference, something that felt out of place, something that aroused his senses and feelings, something that touched him very intensly, something that made him smile, something that made his heart beat faster, something that made him anticipating, something that made him feel alive and happy! And also Kate must have been experiencing some of this!
Kate stood to her guy through out college! Even was the reason why he got this degree! They also had their less moonstruck moments when William openly seemed to consider Kate 'just' a girlfriend and was not considering marriage! He took a break in the company of his cool army comrades! Kate tried to enjoy a bit her regained freedom and dressed up for any occassion. And because I guess that also a prince gets his eyes on tabloids he ran back to his Kate begging for a kiss.
So finally after 8 long years and many more begged kisses from Kate he ordered to get that little jewelery box out of the vault and took it along to Africa! The engagement photoshoot and the interview they survived successfully! Let us hope that Kate will not always get haunted by the memory of Diana! In many ways she will because we all like to make comparisons. In William's case many wonder what the heritage of Diana is, what lives on in her own flesh and blood! William is not Diana and he is not Charles! Thank the lord for that!
Kate is the only one who will know what haunts him when the lights go out and what goes on in his mind. She will have to share him with many but when it comes down to true feelings and the matters of the heart she is the only one he will turn to. William pledged himself to keeping her safe and not let her be haunted by many of us who think that even her running to the gym with no make up on and perhaps wearing the wrong colors will be a major headline. Can you blame him? I don't think so because what you love and care for you do want to keep away from harm!
Uhm, in more then one way William reminds me of a certain Twilight character! They both are of the overprotective kind when taking care of their loved ones and they both used the engagement ring of their beloved mothers to make a girl for a split second (and longer!!)the happiest girl alive!
Let us hope that when those two are standing out there on the balcony of Buckingham Palace and the world is anticipating that one kiss that they kiss together! One thing is for sure that Kate does now know for sure: it is not 'Tom, Dick or Harry' she is getting married to! Harry she will have as an inlaw and she will hopefully feel more living amongst characters of a Shakespearean comedy instead of a drama!
"See! the mountains kiss high heaven, And the waves clasp one another; No sister flower would be forgiven If it disdained its brother; And the sunlight clasps the earth, And the moonbeams kiss the sea: - What are all these kissings worth, If thou kiss not me?"
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Love's Philosophy
P.S.:I even twittered Peter Facinelli, alias vampire-dad Carlisle Cullen, telling him the news:'Charles invited Williams his future inlaws for a hunting party! Are you planning something similar for Charlie &Renee?' Trying to picture those two trying to hold up with Esme&Carlisle while chasing after mountain lions! Uhm, Esme perhaps better serves a few cucumber sandwiches and some Earl Grey tea and Carlisle better gets out the best bottle of Bollinger to celebrate this one in company of the future inlaws of Edward! ;-))
P, A & I were able to sleep in on a Thursday and this together! Outside nature shows the first effects of colder temperatures. A & I now both love to warm up our beds with a cozzy warm cherry-pillow! P still is so brave to get fired up for a long run and takes along his MP3 player. The rest of the day we have not planned yet. A wishes to spend it with some friends or in a dark cinema theater. We shall see but we will have to go to the bakery to pick up some fresh croissants!
The last few days I asked my pupils in action why they will be granted an extra school- free day. It worries me sometimes that the younger generation 'will forget'! Especially when it comes down to historical facts. Looking at the average Belgian school curriculum that subject seems to have turned into a tiny footmark! I was kind of relieved to find out that my Juniors for sure know what 11.11 marks on a calendar.
Personal I am one of these people who very strongly believes in the importance of these days. And not only because I ended up with two college professors who were so into War Poetry. It takes more then a few lines of strong words to mark the deeper meaning of this day in your heart&mind.
This week P got all excited about the arrival of a certain Amazon package! The last few days he did spend in front of his computer screen, headphones plugged in and next to him the DVD-box of 'The Pacific'. We watched two episodes together and I must say that it is for sure this box belongs into P his personal war collection. In case you ever are granted a look atit you will notice that it breaths WAR!
P told me that he was one of these boys who liked to dress up as a soldier, build war headquarters, think tactics and force his younger siblings to enlist. In their back yard many wars were fought successfully. On top of that he had tons of those plastic soldiers (think Toy Story) who got engaged into many fantastic battles that were fought in his bedroom. I have seen the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about these memories.
Guess that globally many 'real' (uhm) men have got to tell some 'war'-stories that were fought at the homefront. And that in those cases most of the time the number of casualties was rather superficial. I am even tempted to call it a fixed ingredient of growing into men!
But... WAR it can not engage me into a cheerfull conversations or make my eyes sparkle. I have visted many places were the leftovers from an act of war are still to be witnessed. The first time that my dad dragged us children to the Ardennes and made us stare at the many rows of white crosses was a day that I won't easily forget. He repeated that act over and over. When we visited Normandy he made sure that we learned all the names of the beaches. He also pointed out many times that war did for sure changed the soil on which we walk. That those crosses mark more then just a grave of an other soldier.
In my own family the War (the 2nd WW) knocked also on the door. My grandfather, a Belgian solidier, was a POW during the second World War and my uncle joined up with the Royal Navy (he still wears this blue uniform with dignity and pride) at the time. My dad was about six when German soldiers bursted into their house. They seemed to be searching for British soldiers who were hiding out in the neighbourhood. But it turned out that one of them was just looking for the loo! My dad even remembered very vividly the first green colored bottle of Coco Cola brought along by the American troops!
Two words all of these men used/use always with a lot of reverence were/are the words FREEDOM & PEACE. Every time I was sitting in history class, when reading a poem or book, watching a movie about war they are there with me! In the eyes of many are wars fought for a cause! These acts of destruction seem to be justified! The casualties and sacrifices that were made were 'worthwhile'!
Still I am lost at words when I standing somewhere where the memories of war are revoked! The white crosses, the many gigantic war monuments that I have taken pictures never produced smiles. In most cases they made me feel 'small' and out of place. Even when I read a book covering War then I still seem to have the impression that not a single a word will be good enough to cover the impact of such a thing as war.
Listening to the 'Last Post' in Ypres (today there will be leafs of poppies falling out of the sky while standing underneath the Menengate), the poppies that pop up all over on the BBC around this date, the grey weather and the falling leaves, the growing DVD-collection of P, the pictures of 'great' war monuments I have taken all around the world, my family history, the grave of my grandfather (considered a military grave), the documentaries I get to see on TV it all enables me to remember! AND NEVER FORGET!
Modern Wars are perhaps fought differently but in a sense the effects are the same. In not a single war there are winners because at a certain moment who all tend to loose our dignity and pride. Principles and values are put to the ultimate test. It is then humans are forced to chose between 'right' and 'wrong'! Knowing that there is in most of these situations not such a thing.
It were my two beloved men who pointed out today for sure what this date stands for:
- P:'You know it must have been like hell out there! The war in the Pacific was so different compared to what was going in Normandy or in the Ardennes! Some soldiers called London and Paris at wartime a city trip when they met the guys who fought against the Japanese! You know if you come to think of it we are never grateful enough! People died out there, people so far away from home and some of their lives got ruined because of this. It was so much more then Lucky Strikes and Coca Cola they brought along.'
- A while watching the Children's channel:'Hey, mum, it the day that they put down the weapons! Can we go and watch them do that?'
Uhm, I guess that one of my private soldiers has grown up and that the other one still has a long way to go. But when I come to think it must be rather a strange and at the same time special moment to witness! The exact moment that a war is called to an end and that the weapons are silenced and that a soldier can put down his guard (weapon) and re-embrace what he/she ached for while being out there!
War is so hard to get your head around but what I truely do now wish to do is not forget about it that it ever happened. It happened just around the corner and it goes on just a few countries away. All of this justifies for sure a day to remember all those people that went/go the distance and put everything at stake they stood/stand for!
I am at lost for words and therefor I rather use the words of a Canadian soldier, doctor and poet, John McCrae, who was sure far way from home when he composed this wold famous War poem! One glance at poppies that is all it takes to take me there and remember!
PS: Boston Times Big Picture brought once more the 'best' images together so that we will never forget!
