zaterdag 5 maart 2011
It is midterm break and A is already questioning my plans about the free time ahead of us. 'Mum, when are we going to granny's? What? I have to wait till Wednesday? Can't we go now? Or what about swimming? Can't we go swimming then instead?' He is for sure ready for 7 school free days. To be honest, I also need a mini-break. Because my 6th sense was kicking back in. What I consider rather a blessing then a curse. But Stallie hates it when she becomes the restless soul who hardly can think straight and seems to be less focused.
I can have those moments that I wish to just scream hard outloud and run. Keep on running and only come to a halt when my heartbeat tells me to and my breathing can't keep up with me. Yes, I even have been crying lately while driving to work. It might sound pathetic but that force is then so much stronger then me. Don't worry I don't lose it out there. No, that is something that I have pledged: 'Try as less as possible to let private emotions and feelings get in the way of your job description.'
Still, I am only human. So the moment I get into my car and hit the road I snap back into that restless mode. And even the up to beat songs of 'Glee' and the breathtaking beautifully performed songs of Sting don't seem to manage to get me back on track. Sorry to all the chauffeurs who have the honor to meet up with my less funny body language behind the steering wheel but you were also using my car to get a point across. 'Your car looks so vulnerable and mine is a monster! So I am just going to cut you off! Now!!!' You just couldn't know that this act for the moment even is stressing my personal state of mind.
Do I feel crushed or is something in the way? Uhm, I lately have been speeding things up a bit by trying to get back into the spirit I use to have when I was younger. Stallie felt ready to dip her toe back into the cold water and even thinking of going in the whole way. I was ready to go the distance something I had not dare for a very long time. I faced my fears and with my eyes wide open. I even was sitting out there in the front row! Not that it was easy but I did it. Do I regret it now? Nope, not a single sec. But it means that I now need to move on. No excuses anymore!
Moving on means that I need to take risk and perhaps face failure and dissapointment. Not my favorite human feelings. But hey, those dancing shoes are calling out to me. And along with them so many things that I can put into practice. The signs are not lying, even my body is telling me that it wants to go back and move back on to the barre and the movements I then can experience. It wants to be set free and express itself.
When I am running now up down a flight of stairs (I LOL now at every elevator and escalator I come across) I do feel so different. So much lighter (and for sure the weight lose is partly to thank for that!) and I then experience that I am not out of breath when I come to end of it. Even am tempted to run on and start to perform one of these dance routines out a musical or dance movie. My iPod Nano has made me already move my feet and body while being in public places. Think metro, car, post office line, class room, walking on the streets of the European capital and even while doing grocery shopping.
P asked me a few weeks ago what had changed. Why I suddenly seem to manage some things that he had tried to make clear to me but always came up with insane sounding (at least to him they must have!) excuses? After all this busy inhouse doc does care about my general well being and state of my mind. Sometimes he just seems not to have read very carefully the manual that comes along with me. 'This time I am doing this for myself! I realy want to do it and not because someone is telling me to do so!'
Not that I have not been cheered on the last few months. No, on that part I can call myself so blessed. When turning around and take a good look at what I have standing out there close by and far off then I can state for sure that I have got some real good friends and family. People that care and can activate me and are in some cases my conscience. I need them for many less but also for less obvious reasons.
And no, they not are always easy on me. Some of them can be questioning my choices and opinions. Can be very straight forward and just tell me very plainly what their point of view is. On top of that I have made the last three months 'new friends'. These friendships give me the opportunity to reflect and put things in a different (rightful?) perspective. Along with them I seem to also pay more attention to what now people tell me and the advice they try to give me.
Someone recently asked me what it feels like when I dance. This person was of course using one of the very well known lines from the inspiring movie 'Billy Elliot'. I just did not need to hesitate about the answer. But it had been for such a long time that I had expressed my feelings on that part. Because they go about so much more then just dancing. It is about feeling alive and at the same time knowing that life can hurt and cause pain. That happiness is fragile and that you need to be ready to face also the darker side of the human existence.
My mind is activated and I have been out there this week trying to give the dancing the rightfull place it deserves in my life. I am almost there! So, okay I am in a restless state of the mind and I am once more doubting certain situations and decisions. But now I seem to be able to do this more and more while my feet move along with back ground music. It might help me to make the difference!
So yesterday, I was out there on the dancefloor of the school's carnival party. I was dressed up as a doc (thanks P for the outfit!!) and when a colleague dipped me over I was ready to let go. But it seemed I was still holding back a bit. 'Hey Stallie, I won't let you fall', he then said. 'I know!' and I did not even care about the fact that my pupils were LOL. One day a year they are allowed to make fun of me without risking losing points. But what they were not aware of was my state of mind. And I am sure about that because I first checked if not any of them was dressed up as Edward Cullen. Just to be on the safe side out there!
P.S.: I wish to thank many people out there who have pushed me a bit the last few months. Some of you might have been aware of it, some less but all of you have for sure helped setting the dancing spirit of Stallie once more free. Very grateful for that.