dinsdag 26 mei 2009

Dealing with thunderstorms!

While the last thunderstorms are leaving the country is it in my head still rather windy. It always surprises me that it suddenly takes me over. Old ghosts then catch up with me and then I want to get the bottle of gin (don't worry I am not trying to aim at getting a membership of the AA) out and just try to blow out all those rather gloomy things.

True, for the moment I am rather happy when dealing with my job. My self confidence got a major boost. Every day when I drive to work and turn on my little audioset of my tiny car I feel so upbeat but still..... Not that it is best place to be (for the moment at least!) but at least I feel very useful there. What makes me feel a bit down is a bit more complex.

A few months I was upset with two people that I really care about. I felt so hurt and when I got home I was so angry that all I could do was being very hard for myself. Typical me, I don't then get upset with the people but look inside of myself what went wrong. Not an easy job to do and for a few days I walked around a bit ill-tempered. I even snapped at some very nice persons.

When I look back at those two moments in time I wish I could do it all over. It seems like it was my own fault that But I can't. No, I made some decisions and some of them I don't consider now such a grand success! Still, I try to make the best out of them and try to keep on believing in what I truely believe in. People around me then make me feel so insecure because of something they did say or not said. And, what I the least expect is a peptalk! Most of the time I don't get this anyway! I have to pep up myself!

The last few weeks it even got a bit worse because I walked into some people of the past and some encounters were rather very confrontating. Some harsh words were said and I was even not in the position to defend myself because it was not appropriate. In the heat of the moment I can clench my fist and stay very calm. A candid camera in my car or bathroom would then enable you to find out the truth because it is there that the truth comes out. Amongst the bathing bubbles and lots of scrubbing creams I try to deal with it.

' Just Deal with it', was the punchline of the speech team I was member of at Hoover High when I was an exchange student. Every time when we got our scorepapers and general comments back my heart ran wild. You can be sure that most of the judges were not very easy on me. Hey, it was hard to hide that accent and my host mother, the speech coach, had forbidden me to tell any other competioners that I was a foreigner. So the scores I got I gained fair and square!

My host mother was always very proud of me and the day I became a member of the NFL (and no this is not the National Football League!)I was very happy as well. Amongst the teammembers I was the Belgian girl with the funny accent. That comment I had to deal with over and over but it only made me stronger and believe in my own strengths. Hey, I dared to compete with native speakers at district level and I even got the highest score! I then promised myself that I would never forget those four words in my daily vocabulary!

More then once I now find out that I need more then those words and that are people who cheer me on. I try to care for friends and people in general. I take their concerns very seriously. When those fans then seem not to believe in the things that I believe in then it becomes a bit hard to deal with. Not that I expect that friends are not honest with me but I have some issues when it comes to some things that really matter in my life!

In the end there is only one thing that I am left to do and that is believe in myself and try to deal with the facts of life! And now I need a BC with lots of ice! After that power drink I am back in shape and ready to deal with the enemy and make those thunderstorms vanish into thin air! Or at least till the next thunderstorm catches me by surprise. Cheers!

1 opmerking:

Inge zei

Vooral blijven geloven in jezelf hé. Je bent de voorbije maanden al schitterend bezig geweest en je hebt zoveel uitdagingen getrotseerd. Je mag er terecht fier op zijn hoor!