vrijdag 30 april 2010
Mayday stands for tons of people for an extra day off but for me this day takes me back into time. It is the day on the calendar that my dad died It is now 8 years ago and it should be a bit more bearable and part of my life line. In general I do think that I am doing a good job at this but tree weeks before Mayday I do have flashbacks and they make me feel a bit blue.
Today A and I will be heading for Limburg where we then first will stop at the grave yard. He never knew his granddad! But he sees pictures and does asks questions about him. And sometimes before he goes to bed we say wave at the stars and the sky to wish him goodnight. We do the same for granny and for our beloved housecat Basiel. A then sometimes asks me questions about death and then wonders when I will die. It is the most painful question that your kid can ask you.
I try to comfort him but do know that there will be a day that he will have to face the same emotions then I did 8 years ago. The last few weeks I did cry a lot but not in the presence of anyone. It takes me by surprise every time that around the same time of the year I do encounter him on my way of my life.
What happened in those three weeks did make me stronger but also much more vulnerable. Eight years ago I woke up in my room, outside the sun was shining. It was a very nice Mayday. Dad was not conscious anymore and the home nurse had told us that things went quite fast. So at the end of that day he gave up and left us.
It is very hard to share the feelings and emotions I experienced that day and still. The best image to describe it that there is a bit hole inside my heart that never seems to being filled up with anything else. It is constant reminder of a very strong emotions.
And I do admit that when I did hear this week this song was over the radio. Mayday is for me also a bit dad-day.
PS.: Now 48 hours further I can state that I had an extremely nice weekend. A and I did visit the graveyard and A put a tiny little flowerpot with a little rosebush in it on the grave and then waved at the stone. We had very nice weekend and also thank you M&D for filling up a rather rainy weekend with sunshine moments. P is still in NYC and must admit that I got a bit shaky because of that explosive car that was parked in Time Square. Hope to get him back in one piece!